Let’s Talk about Boobs: One Year Post Breast Reduction Surgery

Yes, that’s right, let’s talk about Boobs. Today is the One Year anniversary of my Breast Reduction. I think it’s funny that it is also the day I decided, unmindfully maybe subconsciously, to start a Movement Challenge, promoting making time for yourself – building mental resilience through physical resilience; it was just meant to be.

Over the next few weeks I want to go back to evaluating and flushing out Values and look deeper into the following 3 values; Beauty, Fitness and Health. These three values often overlap, intertwine and coexist in our lives. How we prioritize each of them can make huge impacts.

I’ll start sharing my relationship with my breasts and how I came to a decision to have them reduced. I went through puberty young, exceptionally young. I got my period in Grade 3, at age 8, one month after my sister, a year older got hers – so you know I have always been ahead of the game; it was then that I started developing breasts. I remember being in my Elementary school library and having classmates comment on the fact that I already had boobs. I think it was Grade 4 when we did a night away at a local sleep away camp, we had parents and some teenage siblings as chaperones, I remember one adult that had not known me commented to my mother that by looks they thought I was one of the volunteers, not a student. This is what having Breasts at a young age did, it made others perceive me as older, and because of this I was often treated more like an adult, than the child I was.

By the time I was in Junior High, my breasts were easily what I suspect now was a size E/F cup but having no knowledge those sizes even existed I settled for DD. Other girls were just getting into bras and navigating puberty, where I was 4 years in. The thing about Junior High is, in hindsight it’s awkward for everyone. For me it was the 90’s and grunge, baggy clothing was all the rage, which any large chested person can attest too, does nothing for your shape. I vividly remember walking into Drama class to two boys (yes, I remember their names, Jon and Spencer) singing to the tune of ‘That Girl’ by Shaggy and Maxi Priest, ‘Fat Girl’ in regards to me.

The boys actions stung but what was worse was the reaction and advice I was giving when recounting the story to a friend. Instead of saying what assholes the guys were, which they were, for commenting on my body and basically bullying me in front of our entire class, she suggested I look at getting a breast reduction. She said that she heard it would make me look much thinner. I know her intention was good but let me tell you the result was really hurtful. To add insult to injury, when I went to my mom, she said if I was really interested in it, she would look at the cost and be open to covering it for me. At 14 years old, I was being told that my body was wrong and needed to be fixed.

To me this story is a great example of how we raise girls to believe that others have a right to comment on their bodies. That for some reason another person’s opinion of your body, of how you look, is more important than your own. The result is that girls and women strive to fit into an ideal, not too big, but also not too small, just right, but what is just right? With Boobs, is there an ideal?

OK, so moving on to High School, when I lost my virginity; American Pie came out in the summer between grade 10 and 11, the summer of 1999. I made a pledge to myself that I wanted to lose my virginity before the new year, kinda in a celebration of the new millennial but also to claim my body. I think of it now and how crazy young I was, 16 is not old enough to be sexually active. I was very lucky, I had a good friend from my swimming days with whom I was really close and attracted to. We would hang out and even though he would never date date me, was willing to participate and help me achieve this particular goal. Now I am not advocating for any one way to enter the sexual experience but mine was pretty great. He was really respectful (for the most part, until after almost 6 months he leaked our activities), he always asked if I was ok, and I’ll never forget his face any time I took my top off, he looked like a kid in a candy store; this was when I started to love my boobs.

I’m sometimes sad when I think of it in a critical way, that my love of an amazing part of my body, came from someone else’s enjoyment of it, not my own admiration.

The famous Teri Hatcher episode of Seinfeld gave me my favourite quote for the better part of my teens and early 20’s, the ‘They’re real and they are spectacular!”. My breasts were perfect, naturally round, like grapefruits plunked on my chest with skin on top. I don’t know if anyone else would remember the store, San Francisco, my nanny growing up lived next to a mall that had one and we used to go there. It was kinda a gag store, small silly gifts, and pop culture shirts; I remember this one shirt they had that showed all the different shapes that breasts came in, from Pancakes to Oranges to Ski Slopes, I remember being jazzed that I got the Grapefruits. So you see even at a young age, the understanding that boobs played a part in my (a women’s) worth was there. That it was acceptable for society to not just talk about them but judge them, make fun of them. I want to recognize that it’s not any easier being on the other end, possibly having boobs that are a size or shape that you feel is too small. What I am saying is that the societal pressures make all breast stories hard.

After learning to love my breasts for their shape and natural glory, I would still have to put up with others’ opinions on them. I often struggled to fit into dress codes, because button down shirts either popped across the chest or made me look frumpy, as then the waist wasn’t tailored. I would have constant comments from people that felt entitled to comment on how ‘booby’ an outfit was. In one instance, I was taking a course to become a First Aid Instructor, it was 6 months after having my second child, the Trainer felt it appropriate in my final review and in front of the class to tell me to cover up my chest when teaching. She said I wouldn’t be able to wear any v-neck/open tops because it would be too distracting to students. Even as recent as Fall of 2019, in a professional work environment, I was wearing one of my all time favourite dresses I own, a signature DVF wrap dress, and a mid fifties coworker, female, felt it appropriate to say to me that ‘I was really just putting it all out there’.

I have grown a thicker skin for sure, I now say, ‘They are there, so deal with it’. I recently did a headshot shoot for my work, and I had to pick outfits and even in doing my best, still received feedback that they might show too much cleavage. I find it crazy that this is even a thing – how is it that my body, in it’s natural state can be seen as unprofessional? That you as the viewer not being able to focus on the face would not be what was considered unprofessional. It’s a very self centred view to say to someone that their body makes you uncomfortable, as if their body has anything to do with you. If I am not rubbing my chest on you or anything of yours, you are not really entitled to an opinion and you should actively work against your desire to comment on them. My breasts, my body, do not belong to anyone but me.

Most recent Headshots taken – some still showing ‘Too Much Cleavage’, taken by Phil Crozier, http://www.photophilcro.com

My relationship with my Breasts changed after having kids. I was always open to the idea of having surgery when I was younger, not from outside pressure, but because I knew after kids I would want a lift. I didn’t realize how much my chest would balloon with kids, I went from a 30/32 E to a 32 J cup. Just one of my Breasts was the size of a full honeydew melon or small soccer ball; it would take literally 5 of my closed hands to cover just one. I know that’s a lot of describing but it’s important to paint picture. I went from loving my Boobs to hating them.

My Boobs were heavy, they were no longer mine, they were there to feed my kids. I had a strict rule of only breast feeding for 1 year. My kids all had teeth at 4 months old, like a minimum of 4 teeth that early. My breasts were hot to touch, sometimes hard, and I would need to sit in the shower for upwards of 30 min to just let the milk expel at night before bed just to be somewhat comfortable. I know these are good issues when you compare to those that maybe their milk doesn’t come in, but they were uncomfortable none the less, and when a friend says you look like you could be a fetish porn star, it doesn’t feel good.

It was after having my 3rd baby that I decided to go for a consult for a reduction. At the time I wasn’t even sure if I wanted one but I knew there was a long waiting list for it to be covered by my provincial Health care and I had thought maybe I would also inquire about a tummy tuck, because you know body and self confidence issues. I met with my surgeon, who is amazing, he was open and honest. The province I am in had just put in new restrictions (now they don’t even cover them anymore), that a minimum of 300 cc/units per breast had to be taken out. To give you an idea, if you were a size 32, it would be anywhere from 2-3 cups sizes. I was fine with that but took pause when the surgeon said he might not be able to preserve the shape, as it would be a lot of tissue taken off. This made me pause because I always loved my shape, I loved having the ‘implant’ looking shape, my Grapefruits. It took over 18 months to get off the waiting list and at that point I no longer had any hesitation. My neck and back, having started a more sedentary job, were in even more severe pain from the weight. I was at the point where I would have been ok coming out with an A cup.

A year after my surgery I am really happy with my decision; I would recommend it to anyone thinking of it. The healing process was long though, it was a good 8 weeks before I was comfortable working out and more than 6 months for all the swelling to go down. I would find a way to pay for it. The weight, literal weight that came off my shoulders was immediate. I am still wearing a 32 E cup (shows just how big they were), and my surgeon despite his reservations was successful in keeping my natural shape. I quite literally have my early twenties boobs back; what it also gave me was perspective, it made me really think about how much of my identity had been wrapped up in having large Breasts; it made me stop and think why that was.

To bring it back to Values and set us up for next week – my journey with my Breasts led me from valuing the Beauty of the them to the Health of them. The Beauty being, how they look, how others viewed them and the Health being how the feel, am I healthy and can I live a fuller life.

I want to explore all the ways we use these three values (Health, Fitness and Beauty) as synonyms, when really they are individual values and as humans we need to prioritize them; we only have some much capacity. Hopefully you got something from my overshare and will come back to the discussion next week.

Leave a comment and let me know what you thought. If you have any questions about my experience please feel free to send me a direct message via my Contact page.

Shameless plug – head over to the Body section of my page to check out the 50 Days of Movement Challenge that started today.

50 Days of Movement Challenge

Starting Saturday, March 6th

What is this Challenge all about? Why 50 Days of Movement?

Well as mentioned above our Mental Resilience is so closely tied to our Physical Resilience. Moving our bodies in an intentional way, making time for ourselves to breathe with purpose gives a much needed break each day. As my partner would say I am a nicer version of me when I fit my movement in.

What prompted this? Well, with our recent second lockdown and closing of Recreation and Fitness to the general public, I needed to find a way to motivate myself to keep moving so I set a goal of 50 Days of Movement.

I switched between my own workouts, ones on Pilates Anytime and some by @OilandGrain. I took time lapse videos each day to push myself to not quit, which was tough considering the super busy start to the year, but the personal commitment and the daily posting helped keep me accountable to my goal.

When I was just over half way done I knew I wanted to share my experience with others so I reached out to those that I knew either personally, from school, work (Calgary being a BIG Small Town) and those that I have admired from afar.

I was lucky enough to have an amazing group of Hosts agree to join me in this Challenge.

How It Will Work:

Posts will be made via Instagram by myself and the Host of the Day, also they will be loaded daily to the Body section of Inventing Resilience, for the period of the challenge. Workouts and video may be posted either here, or via link to the Host of the Day’s website and Instagram. If you would like the workout to your Inbox daily visit the contact page above to find the Subscribe form.

Links to the Hosts Pages are as follows and will be included with the Daily Post

Saturdays are here with myself, Meghan @inventingresilience

Sundays with Polly @mommytosubthree

Mondays with @lindsay.coghlan, http://www.lindsaycoghlan.com

Tuesday with Claudia @claudialucialc, http://www.sunny-side.ca

Wednesdays with Rhiannon @coach_rhi, http://www.coachrhi.com

Thursday with Leah @oilandgrain, http://www.oilandgrain.com

Fridays with Grace @perfectlyflawedfit, www.facebook.com/perfectlyflawedfit

PRIZE PACK:

So far we have been lucky enough to find 3 sponsors for a Winner’s Prize Pack at the end –

Essential Studio Mat from @shophalfmoon, http://www.shophaldmoon.ca

Choice of a pair of either the Thomas leggings or Felix pants from @renard_elliott, http://www.renardelliott.com

$50 to Spend @jolyncanada, http://www.jolyn.ca

Copy of The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor from @inventingresilience

RULES FOR ENTRY on PRIZE PACK:

We ask that you tag all the Hosts and Sponsors on your Social Media account (Instagram) showing you moving each day with the #50daysofmovement.

Our Hosts have worked hard on creating great workouts for you but we understand that a full workout might not work in your day, so even if you just move intentionally for 10 min and tag us whether in your story or post, it will count as an entry to the PRIZE PACK.

If you don’t have Instagram – tag us on Facebook too, and or sign up for the Hosts Newsletters for additional points.

Celebrate Black Excellence: Black History Month Posts

I wasn’t sure how or where to start when approaching Black History Month this year. The sad and hard truth of it, is that until this past year I didn’t spend much time thinking about Black History. I thought what little I knew from mainstream movies and media gave me a good enough foundation. That it wasn’t my place to comment, or do anything.

What I know now, is that I hardly knew anything, and I still have so much more to learn. So where to go from there – I have tried to use resources and read books, to start my great unlearn. It’s hard to admit, especially because I like to think that I was/am a caring person, a sensitive person and one interested in justice always, but I remember growing up as a child not understanding how racism still existed. I genuinely thought because there weren’t slaves anymore that there wasn’t racism; I know now how naive and ignorant that was. I bought into the line that was fed constantly to me, that life wasn’t fair and that we needed to just deal with it.

Recently I stopped and listened, truly listened to Tupac Shakur’s song Changes, released in 1996. The song details the war on drugs and police attitude towards the Black and poor population. For me there was a stark realization of how little has changed in the last 25 years, and how much better we need to do.

When Black Lives Matter first started, I too, thought they might be more successful if they said All Lives Matter. It was because I didn’t understand, I didn’t know that it was intrinsic that ALL lives matter, but that only Black lives were treated as if they didn’t. I would say that in Canada, we treat our Indigenous populations more closely to the manner of Black people in the United States. In my sheltered, privileged life I never had to worry about altercations with law enforcement. I’ve never had to worry about the medical care I was going to receive. I may not have always believed my life mattered but that was a me thing, so the intrinsic nature of All Lives wasn’t something obvious to me, I was limiting my view and understanding to only my own experience. As said I know what it’s like to feel like your life doesn’t matter, it hurts and it’s awful – the thing is I never had to worry about it, in terms of general treatment, my skin colour never dictated that, circumstance did.

If you aren’t aware this week was the anniversary of the death of Ahmaud Arbery, a 25 year old, unarmed jogger, that was murdered on tape. Whose murderers have most recently petitioned that the word ‘victim’ not be used to describe him in court. This week would have also been the birthday of Elijah McCain, who died after being put in a chokehold by police and sedated by paramedics. Elijah was anemic, and wore a ski mask to stay warm; he was walking home from the local convenience store. These are just two stories about how Black lives are not treated with the same value as others in the United Stated. Sadly there are many others (small article below, highlighting only a few) lives that have been unnecessarily cut short, and the leading factor is due to racism. The defense of fearing for your safety is used so often in these cases that it begs the questions as to why do you fear, and the truth which that is where the prejudice lies. I also highly recommend viewing 13th, by Ava Duverney to have a better understanding of the mass incarceration system.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-52905408

As a white person, I believe it is important to know the names and the stories, to watch at least some of the body cams or bystander footage, because it provides proof that can’t be explained away. They are hard to watch, and will trigger you, but I know for me it triggered the point of no return. We can not continue down the path we have been going. Things have not gotten better; the lyrics that Tupac shares in Changes could very well still apply to the situation today, 25 years and no real change. I know when speaking with an older loved one, they said something to the extent that ‘well they’ve had a Black president, is that not enough?’ I had to explain that no, that one individual was not enough. That having a Black president or now a Black/Indian, Female vice president doesn’t make up for the brutality, the hurt and the disrespect that others endure. It felt like the attitude is, ‘well we gave them that, so now we don’t need to worry about the other issues’; that’s garbage.

No one should ever have to question their place in the world based on the colour of their skin or race. They shouldn’t be treated differently because they don’t look like you. We need to first be honest with ourselves about our own bias. Be honest and recognize that we are attracted to those that feel similar to us, it’s natural to want a connection with someone. By attracted I mean those that hold the positions as friends, partners, mentors, and employees in your life; you need to first be honest about the bias, in order to actively work against it. We (the collective we) need to find connections that run deeper than our skin colour and heritage, because those connections exist and they are so much more meaningful than our past. The connection of a love of art, any kind from music to literature to movies, or a favourite book growing up, or deeper connections like feeling restless or out of place at school, or possibly similar struggles at home.

There is so much focus on the negative, there are justifications, fear, etc. My goal this February, in contrast to only viewing the History, which is important to know, but what I wanted was to Celebrate Black Excellence, to show those pushing, pulling us forward. To share those that I have felt a connection to, whether it is through reading their books, viewing their stories, enjoying their art, connecting to their purpose, or if lucky enough connect with through direct messages or in person. This list is small sample, and does not come anywhere close to the Black Excellence that I follow, but it is a highlight.

I would urge everyone to check out these wonderful, amazing humans and share those, that you believe embody the same connection and/or Black Excellence to you, with your loved ones, followers and with me. We should celebrate excellence each day because it is right, and lifting each other up is so much better than holding others down.

I will share that when I spoke about trying to honour Black History Month, here and through my Instagram/Social Media, I was asked by a friend if I thought it would be seen as performative. All I can say to that is I hope not, I know I am genuine in my intent, that I tried to highlight individuals in a positive and respectful way. Is this to say that one month is enough, no, of course not. My goal is to continue to find ways to highlight Black Excellence. To continue to work on being actively anti racist. To be mindful about who I support and where I spend my money, is there a way to be more diversified (my own 15% pledge, look it up, very cool initiative). I will say that my desire to do this perfectly almost prevented me doing at all and that it took until mid-month, that I would have a knot in my stomach about my posts being taken the wrong way, or this post not coming out right.

What I know is that saying nothing is not an option, doing nothing is not an option. Imperfect as my efforts will be, I have to try, I have to be open to feedback and stay committed to learning. I hope that you will continue or start your own great unlearn. If you want a safe space to talk or discuss reach out to me, as I will gladly talk through how we can stay accountable, be open and help with change.

Below I will share a bunch of links for those I highlighted during this month – if you take a gander at my Instagram, and or any of these individuals I suggest looking at the accounts they follow, there are great people, organization to discover there –

DAY 1 – Rachel Cargle, https://rachel-cargle.com, https://thelovelandfoundation.org, @rachelcargle, @lovelandfoundation, @elizabethsofakron, @richauntiesupreme, @thegreatunlearn

DAY 2 – Sonya Renee Taylor, http://www.sonyareneetaylor.com, @sonyareneetaylor, @thebodyisnotanapology

DAY 3 – Morgan Harper Nichols, http://www.garden24.co, http://www.thestorytellerco.com/app, @morganharpernichols, @garden24co, @thestorytellerco

DAY 4 – Layla Saad, http://www.laylasaad.com, @laylafsaad, @goodancestorpodcast

DAY 5 – Ibram X Kendi, http://www.ibramxkendi.com, @ibramxk

DAY 6 – Ijeoma Oluo, http://www.ijeomaoluo.com, @ijeomaoluo

DAY 7 – Christina Lewis, http://www.giveblck.org, http://www.allstarcode.org, @thechristina99, @giveblck, @allstarcode, @reginaldflewisfoundation

DAY 8 – Tabitha St. Bernard Jacobs, http://www.womensmarch.com, @tabithastb

DAY 9 – Bowties and Books, Jesse, https://www.youtube,com/c/BowtiesandBooks, @bowtiesandbooks

DAY 10 – Black Girls Surf, @blackgirlssurf

DAY 11 – Phil Ndugga, http://www.ndugga.com, http://www.ssubifoundation.org, @philyyc, @nduggaofficial, @ssubifoundation

DAY 12 – Noelle Singleton, http://www.afroswimmers.com, @coachwiththefro, @afroswimmers

DAY 13 – Micki Harvard, http://www.mickiphit.com, @mickiphit

DAY 14 – Kelsey Ellis, http://www.kelseyellis.ca, @healthy_with_kelsey

DAY 15 – Sharee Miller, http://www.shareemiller.com, @cuteandcoily

DAY 16 – Sydonne Warren, http://www.sydtheartiste.ca, @sydtheartiste

DAY 17 – Simone Sauders, http://www.simoneelizabeth.ca, @simoneelizabethtextiles

DAY 18 – Frederick Joseph, http://www.wehavestories.org, @fredtjoseph

DAY 19 – Francesca Ramsey, http://www.franchesca.net, @chescaleigh

DAY 20 – Dr. Muriel Buque, http://www.drmurielbuque.com, @dr.murielbuque

DAY 21 – Jemele Hill, http://www.jemelestore.com, @jemelehill, @jhillunbothered

DAY 22 – Tabitha Brown, https://tabithat-brown.myshopify.com, @iamtabithabrown

DAY 23 – Aurora James, http://www.aurorajames.com, http://www.15percentpledge.org, http://www.brothervellies.com, @aurorajames, @15percentpledge, @brothervellies

DAY 24 – Sophie Roe, http://www.iamsophieroe.com, @sophie_roe, @thepillowtalksessions

DAY 25 – Anthonia Ashade, http://www.hadashjewelries.com, @hadash_jewelries

DAY 26 – Dom Roberts, http://www.theuncomfortable.org, @domrobxrts, @theuncomfortableorg

DAY 27 – Heather Chelan, http://www.hebontheweb.com, @hebontheweb

DAY 28 – Sherrell Aliza, http://www.zenliondesign.ca, @zenliondesign

Additional Accounts and/or People to check out, again this is not exhaustive but a place to start – these are all Instagram handles –

Wellness & Sports – @perfectlyflawedfit, @postpartumwellnesshub, @bethelfitmum, @donnanobleyoga, @yogineo, @_nhinds, @rolandp90x, @swimuphill

Food – @4cornersyyc

Lifestyle – @likeme_outdooredition, @colourthetrails, @amberabundance, @glowmaven, @jujumil, @raquel_willis, @ankurjain, @iamasadugger, @glimpseofmaria, @glographics, @jhanneu

Learning/Academic – @_toribell, @jodiepatterson, @paulcbrunson, @averyfrancis, @teachmrreed, @mikaelaloach, @yasminecheyenne, @mspackyetti, @iamrachelricketts, @imterencelester, @hopegiselle, @mayasideas, @janayathefuture

Non-Profit – @wewieldthehammer, check out @giveblck from a comprehensive listing

Retail and Goods – @oneberrie, @trinigeeisme, @zoezisport, @americahateus, @tallyup_, @shoprubylove, @regaliaswim, @mmashair001, @aguathetics, @trufacebygrace

Authors/Books – @morethanenough, @harlemportland, @wellreadblackgirl, @elainewelteroth, @blairimani

Art/Content – @resistancerevivalchorus, @d3mstreet, @jazmynjw, @cynthiaerivo, @mjharrisspeaks, @oumi_janta, @trevornoah, @opeytakesphotos, @priscillebuck, @knowledge_bennett, @dopesaintjude, @officiallydivinity

Subtle, Not So Subtle Messaging: How the way we Market to Girls shapes our Views and Values

This week I was in the Gap, which is usually my favourite kids store to shop because generally the quality is good (meaning makes it to hand-me-downs) and you can get some good deals. I was struck this week because there were some even more awesome that usual graphic tees, and on sale to boot. The thing is, all the good T-shirts, and by good I mean the messaging on the shirts were in the Boys sections.

They had awesome shirts themed around Science, things like the Water Cycle, Volcanoes and Planets. There were also Sharks, Skateboarding and Sports… all of which existed only in the Boys section.

I headed over to the Girls section and the themes were considerably different. There were centered around Kindness, and taking care of the Earth and Others.

I have two Boys and one Girl, so I have the benefit of having to look around different sections to see all the variations of shirts. If you only had Girls you might only, probably would, only think to go to the one section. I mean after all we have made progress right? So there should be good options there. And look at least now we are telling Girls to be kind to each other.

It was such a stark contrast that I honestly can’t believe I never noticed before, but I know makes an impact. One example is in a meeting at work recently, we found ourselves talking about how do we elevate, and keep women in the male dominated industry in which I work. I had to say that maybe it’s time we stop being nice about it. Meaning stop holding ourselves back and call people out when they are sexist, racist, or prejudice in any way – call them out bluntly, not nicely. If we as women only ask nicely and seek to be kind, we won’t see change.

So this messaging of Kindness being only targeted at Girls, you might see how it more than irked me. Why aren’t companies working to target boys too? Why aren’t there plenty of Boys shirts promoting equality and kindness? Taking care of others or the Earth. Is this not the job of Boys and Men too?

One can argue that it’s not a company’s responsibility to teach kindness, or get kids interested in sports or science. They would be right, that’s our job, as parents, but when all kids’ see are messages sending them one way, it can be hard for us parents to course correct.

It might seem like this is harmless but I truly see the connection between how we raise girls and women to be caregivers and nurturers, while we encourage boys to just be boys. When I first heard about an all Boys school being a bonus by a friend, one of the selling points they listed was potential beds or cots for boys to nap on in the hallway if they needed a break. That Boys could be more free to horse around, talk out of turn and expend their energy. The all Girls school by contrast list the following points – focuses an understanding of the lived experience of women in local, national and global cultures, an interest in curriculum that highlights how women contribute meaningfully to our society and lead change. (see links below to example outlines from the CBE).

https://cbe.ab.ca/programs/program-options/teaching-philosopy/Pages/Alice-Jamieson-Girls-Academy.aspx

https://cbe.ab.ca/programs/program-options/teaching-philosopy/Pages/All-Boys.aspx

Where I struggle is that if we are only teaching girls to respect their bodies, to gain self confidence away from boys, to deconstruct the social norms (which are upheld by our Patriarchal society) – than what good are we doing? Why is this mandate not in an All Boys school? In my experience people with power do not easily give it up. If we are teaching one sex that their need for movement breaks, curiosity and they hold value just for as they are – without also teaching cooperation, the value of the opposite sex, the social construct of gender, we are going to get nowhere.

To add salt to my already inflamed feminist wounds ,this week – a friend posted an image of an ad her teenage daughter received from the clothing company, Garage, a subsidiary of the Dynamite Groupe. From their aesthetic of which is walking into a literal garage, to the clothing (not work wear) and the price point, it is most often shopped and targeted to the Teen and even the Tween demographic. So imagine my horror when I see the below –

Now call me an old lady, or prude if you would like, which those that know me would probably disagree, but I take issue with the focal point of an ad saying SEND NUDES. One that is specifically meant for women and girls, as they do not sell Men’s clothing. I get the idea is meant to be cheeky, as in Nudes, meaning nude clothing options, which they offer a variety of of tones (great), but the suggestive photos and the normalizing of the request to SEND NUDES is completely out of line.

My partner said that, of course the company didn’t literally mean send nudes, so he saw little issue with it but it’s the unconscious message that sending and requesting nudes is ok. That girls and women are encouraged to this, that their value is in their bodies and showing them off.

I am going to bring it together – In marketing we first are telling girls to be nice, be kind, care for others and then when they are older we telling them their body and their looks are their value. SEND NUDES.

All the while we are teaching boys to be curious, go after what they want, physical education, that they deserve the best, just the way they are.

The way this translates into adulthood is what I have seen, heard and felt at work. A self proclaimed feminist asking me; why I didn’t wear make up more often, and didn’t I wear it for me? Let’s be real, no girl starts wearing make up just for them. They start because of the pressure to look your best, which apparently when it comes to make up only applies to women and girls. If I wore make up for me or did my hair for me. I would perpetually have fun colours, crazy bed head and heavy eyeliner. Girls are told too early on, that their worth lies in their looks. The habit of doing your make up starts young, and from then on it’s hard to picture yourself without it; so much so that filter free/make up free selfies are a thing. These are of course for women and girls, not men and boys.

My sister once asked me to ponder the following question – If your child had to be one of these three things which would you pick? Ugly/Unattractive, Boring or Unintelligent. When you think of your answer, would it be different for a boy vs. a girl, and I implore you to be honest. I always chose Boring, because to me, if you are what would be considered traditionally attractive (meaning the norm/average person would find you attractive) and smart, than you could be successful. We put a high value on looks in our society, however it was argued that often for boys looks come last. If a man is Smart and Interesting or Charismatic they can be extremely successful, however the same can not be said for women, looks play a larger part in success both professionally and personally.

I don’t want to discount looking good and feeling good because of it. I have a tradition of getting fully dolled up on my birthday. Whole nine yards, make up, false eyelashes, usually get my hair done, new outfit (almost always a dress), likely one of the only times I wear high heels – and on that day, it is for me.

For me I think there is more value teaching our girls to value their intelligence, their independence, their curiosity, their strength over their beauty and teaching the same to boys. A girl’s and women’s value is not in whether or not their are kind to others, whether or not they are agreeable, whether they are in service to others but in their innate being.

This can and should be said for all beings, however the reality is that this is not yet the world we live in.

I know I was raised feeling the pressure to value looks, and to see my own personal value in them, this led to destructive behaviour in my late teens and early adult years; when after years of being the unattractive friend I finally received male attention. I allowed myself to get lost in the need for this kind of attention to find self worth. Instead of concentrating on what I could achieve if I put my value on my strength, my hard work and my goodness, I allowed myself to be distracted and feel unworthy. I made decisions that now as someone that loves themselves stills cries about. I have learned from my experience and hope that my candidness, and honesty of my mistakes, will help my own daughter, and other generations of girls and women learn from them, without having to repeat them themselves.

All this to hopefully raise the question in your own homes, to open your eyes to your own biases and those around you. To demand better from companies like the Gap and Garage. Yes, there are small companies such as, Whistle and Flute, that offer all unisex clothing and do an excellent job of promoting to all genders. The point is that we can still do better and need to consciously choose to support the organizations doing better. Teach both our girls and boys to be better. After all what do you value in yourself? What do you value in a person? Does it vary based on gender?

Picture a world where everyone is loved as they are. The potential is amazing and wouldn’t that better than where we are now?

Accountability: Why it builds Resilience and Saves us from A**holes

*Pardon my language in this post as those that know me, know I have a bit of a potty mouth and it comes out on this one for sure.*

Accountability is something that comes up a lot in my home… having three young children, ages 3, 5 and 8 – it is a massive learning process to ensure they understand what accountability is, and how it applies to their lives.

I am adamant as a parent that my children believe in this value. I believe as parents, if we fail to set Accountability as a value within our children than we are not doing our jobs. On a side note my whole goal as a parent is to raise functional, contributing members of society. And what that looks like to me is raising someone who becomes an adult with good self esteem, a strong sense of self and personal conviction, someone with integrity (which requires accountability) and someone that gives back to their community.

When we don’t raise our children to be accountable, what happens? Well, they become self centred, hypocritical victims of the world around them. They become in short, Assholes. Yes, I realize that is exceptionally harsh sounding but it is true.

A caveat that when holding anyone Accountable, it is essential to be specific and to acknowledge your own personal perspective or lens that may skew the vision of events. Remember Facts Matter. What was said or done is more important when holding someone Accountable than your personal feelings. I say this, not because feelings don’t matter in my example below I take Accountability to another’s feelings but Facts are more important in Accountability because if we accept the refusal of fact, we can erase History.

I have worked over two decades with youth in what often was their first job, and have taught countless courses related to leadership training. I have had many a conversation with a parent that made excuses for the child either being late, not getting their work done, or not meeting a standard. The intention was good, to support their child, but the result taught their child that they did not need to take responsibility for their actions or lack there of. This in turn leads to a longer, harder road for the child in question because at some point (unless they hold strong privilege, which often they did) their child would experience a job, a course, a relationship where someone could no longer make excuses for them.

Let’s start with the idea of failing. Nobody likes to fail, nobody likes to feel like they are failing – these are facts. When we as humans do something sub-par, less than our best, or just plain wrong it doesn’t feel good; simply put, it feels bad to fuck up. Another fact is that everyone fails at some point in their life. So not learning from those failures ends up in us doing a continual loop of bad actions, behaviour and not growing.

When we fail, or do wrong – we have an opportunity to grow, however we can only grow if we are held accountable for our words and actions. It’s human nature to want to forget or minimize what we do when wrong, again, it feels bad to fuck up.

As parents we often want to protect our kids and this leads us to doing things like calling in sick for them at work, blaming teacher’s for our kids poor behaviour or lack of ability, or worse excusing dangerous behaviour as phases. If parents did a better job of holding their kids accountable, then we would have far more adults willing to do so as well.

I’ll give you an example of someone I had in a leadership class, the candidate was extremely strong in the knowledge aspect of the course, however did not have the physical strength to complete the requirements necessary. The course lead to a certification where the individual would be responsible for the safety of others and the physical requirements were directly related to their ability to do this job safely. The student when speaking with me, seemed to understand why it was important to complete the skills. We took extra time to work one on one, and with another participant to try and gain the strength. Their parents however chose to push and take the perspective that I was the issue, that I didn’t want their child to succeed. So instead of helping their child learn resilience through the failure; they fought, tried to show their child that the guidelines should not apply to them, got additional support and evaluation only to have their child fail again. In the courses I teach it is essential for people to acknowledge and learn from their mistakes. I, too had to learn from this experience because the communication from the candidate and myself had no hint of such misunderstanding. I now have a plan to acknowledge this in future classes to hopefully provide a safer space for students to share.

I could take the perspective that the candidate was two faced, that they just really didn’t want to face their own inability, that I did everything I could but that wouldn’t allow me to grow. My growth is coming from acknowledging that my message was lost, that I could do better in the future, that I will try to do better.

It is not possible for every person to be successful in everything. Read that again. It is impossible for us to be successful at everything. It is impossible for us to be perfect. Knowing this helps with Accountability, because it’s not as scary to admit we are struggling or failing, if we understand that the vast majority are doing the same, right along with us.

I have written my last few posts on privilege, representation and the values of wealth, status and power. The reason Accountability is so important to loop in, is that there is a misapplication of Accountability to marginalized people. An ideal of capitalism, that anyone can make something of themselves, does not factor in that the playing field isn’t even. It misplaces accountability on those without privilege, without representation, without wealth, status or power. It makes it so the oppressors need not take any accountability, and that those being oppressed do.

How is it possible to believe that those placed in a position with less resources, access to education, and opportunities are to be more accountable than those keeping them there. This premise directly applies to how white supremacy shows up in our lives without us even be conscious to it.

I want to take the example in Canada and how we treat the Indigenous. I was born, raised and still live in Calgary. I lived with fairly liberal parents (as liberal as Alberta gets), I read early, went to good schools, I should have been taught about Residential schools but I wasn’t. I was not aware of the existence of Residential schools until I was 28 years old. When I was first told my reaction was quite literally disbelief. I told my friend there was no way the Canadian government would do that. How could parents let their kids be taken away? It just wasn’t possible – I had to look up the Truth and Reconciliation commission and went down the rabbit hole of just exactly what had happened. That these ‘schools’ were open until 1996, when I would have been 13.

The purpose of Residential schools was to ‘kill the Indian in the child’; it was to abolish the Indigenous culture by isolating the children from their parents, their homes, their tradition, culture and heritage. To force assimilation to the dominant (white) culture. In contrast, as a white child I was taught that we, as in Canada, were a country that was a mosaic, one that embraced all cultures. We were led to believe that we were not a melting pot like the United States. That all religions, races and beliefs were important. I was taught this without ever being told that the exact opposite applied to the Indigenous in our country.

If I am starting to sound upset, it is, because I am. I remember the white hot shame I felt when I discovered everything that occurred and the misconception I had of our nation. The story we had been told, and if it was up to some politicians/historians (looking at you, Jason Kenney and Chris Champion), would still be told was that Residential schools and their lasting effects were not/are not that bad or perhaps not bad at all. There has been a recommendation to take the information out of school curriculum for younger ages, that these children wouldn’t be capable of understanding what happened. Residential schools directly affected the lives of 150,000 Indigenous youth, and generations to come after, approximately 6,000 children died in Residential schools. I would say it is more than appropriate that my children learn about what happened, how and why these schools were allowed to operate, given that they were compulsory for Indigenous children to attend at age 7.

My biggest issue with the idea of possibly taking what occurred in Residential schools out of our curriculum is that it would diminish our Accountability. We, as in white people, did that, or allowed that, or allowed ourselves to be ignorant of that. In not taking Accountability, we wrote a different narrative on the struggles of the Indigenous, one that places entirely their circumstances and any difficulties in their lives on their own shoulders.

Why is it that we can be more empathetic towards a wealthy, white drug addict? Or young, white youth breaking into facilities and injuring themselves, than we can an entire group of individuals that were subjected to years of abuse (physical, mental and emotional). Less empathy to an entire group being told that who they were born to be (culturally, language, etc.) was bad or lesser than. Perhaps it is because we haven’t been taught that we need to take ownership of the results of our actions and their long lasting effects.

In growing up, because I was so privileged and unaware I didn’t understand why Black people were still saying things like white people are racists, because I myself had never met someone my age that was racist. To me there weren’t any more slaves so what was the deal. I genuinely didn’t understand all the longstanding effects of slavery, land ownership, red-lining and the systems put in place to continually hold back an entire race. Not to mention the corrupt Justice system and all the Police brutality that they have been subjected to. That racism was still steeped in our waters. When we think of Accountability it is hard to understand that it’s not just about what we do personally, but also what we aren’t doing.

When learning about the Holocaust and the rise of the Nazi party in Germany it was easy to see how the us vs them group think got out of control. FacingHistory.org does an excellent job exploring this topic and I highly recommend checking them out.

Taking a look at what is happening in the United States and the recent attempted coup/Insurrection and the resulting lack of Accountability for those that led the charge, fed the words and created, enabled an environment that led to such violence is almost unbelievable. It is as though we have learned nothing from the past, or more so those that read about the past, took completely different lessons than what they should. Those that voted to not impeach Trump, to not hold him Accountable are doing so because they too, do not want to be Accountable for their own actions.

Yet those very same people believe that marginalized individuals need to be accountable for their actions. That a rape victim must continue to carry a fetus of their rapist because of ‘God’s will’. They protect a system that jails a teenager and holds them without trial for 3 years for allegedly stealing a backpack. The system that believes a young, white male, that excels at sports deserves a 6 months sentence for sexual assault because of their character, but that a Black athlete guilty of the same crime is sentenced to 15-25 years. A system that allows white people to shoot innocent black joggers on video with no charges for months. A system that allows a white cop to murder a Black suspect, caught on camera, for an alleged counterfeit $20 bill. Accountability only applies to those they wish to hold power over, their lens is dirty.

In Europe there are many memorials about the Holocaust in hopes of never going down that road again. Memorials to help keep us Accountable to the 6 million Jews and millions of other lives lost for the name of status and power. We teach history to learn from it, to change our societies and shape our world to a better place.

I would argue that not wanting to teach Residential schools to our children is an attempt to not take Accountability to the damage we have done. To continue to paint our world and that of Indigenous people into blurry visions of history.

Accountability stems into so many factors in our lives from Oil and Gas companies being Accountable for clean up of their sites and the environmental laws of the countries which they source their resources. To employers adhering to labour laws. To employees showing up on time and producing the work they are paid for. To travellers during the pandemic ensuring they get the right COVID test (hello, PCR) before heading home so they don’t get forced into quarantine. To politicians keeping their campaign promises. People try to fluff off Accountability all the time because it is hard work, that is the truth. Being Accountable for your actions is hard work, but it is worthy work.

Accountability starts young, it starts with picking up the toys that you take out, putting your own dish in the dishwasher, acknowledging when you have lied or done wrong. If we don’t teach these lessons young than we never learn them. If we are never Accountable than the whole world is a mess.

Valuing Accountability and holding each other to like standards is what is just and fair. Understanding the nuance of why someone reacted the way they did is important, like when one kids hits the other when the first one takes a toy out of their hand. Who is accountable in this situation? The child that hit arguable did the greater crime, but the child that took what didn’t belong to them was in the wrong too and wronged first. What are we to do? Hold both Accountable to the situation. But it’s not always that plain to see and understanding where each person comes from, where they grew up, how they were raised, their privilege or lack thereof gives us perspective. It’s not meant to be an excuse but it is meant to provide context, that if you were in the same situation, given the same options what would you do.

Holding people Accountable again gives the opportunity for growth, growth is where real change is possible. Right now, we need real change in our world. If you don’t like the image in the mirror when someone is holding you to your words, your actions or inactions than maybe it is time to re-evaluate your world, your values. Having integrity is matching who you are with what you believe and what you put out into the world.

Now I do say in the title that Accountability leads to resilience and it does. In the simple way of knowing that growth is possible when you take it. That no one is perfect, that is huge in resilience – holding ourselves up to perfect ideals is what drives our resilience down. Resilience in accepting yourself, for exactly who you are. Acknowledging that we are all doing our best drives empathy and resilience.

What happens if we aren’t doing our best? What if we aren’t being Accountable? Well then we are perpetually the victim of a world of our own making, and we are an Asshole. Let’s not be Assholes.

Unpacking Privilege

Today I was fortunate to have a really interesting conversation with a friend, one that led me to revise privilege and how we hold it in our lives.

I think the biggest weakness we have as humans is that we often focus on the negative, the hard things in life and what doesn’t go our way. The reason why I point this out, is that it is, this focus that makes it difficult to see our own privilege.

I would argue that almost everyone carries a certain amount of privilege. Now there are a lot of factors that can diminish privilege that is held. What I mean by that is that our lives are made up of so many different factors, from relationships with parents/family, natural intelligence, race, financial stability, access to education, etc. Each factor can have a positive or negative affect in how privilege shows up in our lives.

It is my belief is that Privilege shows up when any of these factors has a positive effect on your life. How I rationalize that, is that if another has the opposite (meaning negative) experience than it can be said that you hold privilege in that aspect of life in comparison to them. Because as I mentioned above we can focus on the negative, we can be blind or down play these positives/privileges. What we value also plays into our ability to recognize privilege, because if we don’t value a factor in life than we won’t consider it a positive.

I will give you a personal example, which I return to a lot because I really struggled and can still struggle with sometimes. I grew up with quite privileged in terms of financial stability (including things such as ‘luxury’ vacations), access to health care (living in Canada with parents that were medical professionals), access to education, enrolled in a second language (bilingual schooling), and access to extra curricular programs (i.e. swimming).

All these privileges were things that I was actually able to see as privileges, but they felt diminished because they were tainted with negative experiences. The luxury vacations almost always included major blow out fights between my parents or fear of abuse. The extra curricular was about physical excellence/speed, I did not possess natural talent to really excel, I ended up not being able to keep up with my peers (so I ended up feeling less than). That doesn’t mean these aren’t still privileges, it just means they didn’t always feel that way. The were enabled by financial stability but affected my emotional instability.

One thing my whole life I never recognized as a positive was that my two parents were alive. They still are alive and now I can recognize it as a positive, because my children will get to know them. The reason why I didn’t feel the same growing up is because my parents for lack of tact, were not the kindest. It’s not that they aren’t good people; both my parents are caring for the community, they are generous, they are intelligent but they were and continue to be verbally and/or emotionally abusive. I grew up being told I was going to end up a failure, I was lazy, I was fat; nothing I did was ever good enough. I was just lucky that anyone would want to be around me. Even now, knowing and recognizing their behaviours for what they are. Their own reactions to their upbringings and their trauma, it doesn’t make it easier to manage my perception all the time.

Where I lacked empathy or recognition was for people that lost a parent and that said I was so lucky to have both of mine. I would honestly romanticize what it would be like because I would rationalize that people would at least feel sorry for me, or the parent that was living, often loved their child so deeply they would do anything for them, something I did not have with my own. On the outside I looked like I had everything but that’s not how it felt. Even now in my most insecure moments I take this for granted, because I have the inner voice (sounds just like my mother) telling me I am worthless, I’m just lucky anyone loves me, or I’ve wasted my life.

I think thoughts like this are often what hangs us up in showing gratitude towards and recognizing our privilege. The reality is that every experience makes us who we are; this includes the positive and the negative. This is a really hard thing to get across without being slightly insensitive because your feelings do matter but so does perspective.

It is important to recognize and understand another’s perspective. It is also super important to think critically about your situation and be honest about the comparison with anothers’. In my case, I don’t know what it is like to lose a parent but I can acknowledge that it is hard, it is a loss, no matter the situation. What my desire is, is that someone can see my situation and understand it was tough too. The reality is that my romanticized version of parent loss (warped) is probably not accurate. The same can be said for my financially stable, nuclear upbringing. As a result of my experiences I believe I value love, acceptance, and support more than money.

I am going to admit that when I first encountered the message Black Lives Matter, in 2013, the thought went through my head that they would get more support if they said All Lives Matter. I didn’t understand that was something that should already be clear. Of course all lives matter, that was never in question, the lives that were being treated as though the weren’t important were Black ones. It shouldn’t have been necessary for the BLM movement to point this out but they had to. They had to because we (the collective we) did not recognize the privilege we held in never having to worry about our safety the same way Black people do.

In my privileged upbringing I was never educated on Residential Schools. I had no idea they existed until I was 27/28 – so 2010 or so. In my ignorance I viewed Indigenous people as full of privilege because they had so many opportunities to better themselves for free, like post secondary education being free or that companies would reserve spots to hire Indigenous people. I didn’t know what they had collectively gone through or the generational trauma present. I do now and feel like we can still do more to assist in reconciliation and must educated our youth early in order to do better.

My privilege allowed for ignorance, it made it so I was blind to a massive injustice in my country. My privilege made me naive to even the continued rights being undermined such as clean water to drink (highly recommend looking up Indigenous access to clean water). My privilege gave me blinders to how much harder it could actually be.

I was speaking with a friend recently that has a family member applying to medical school. They made a comment about the biggest thing working against their family was that they were white. I had to pause before responding and didn’t feel like I could get out exactly why that thought process was so small and wrong. This family is wealthy, their member had every possible advantage from being set up with volunteering in hospitals through connections, to travelling abroad to work in the medical services field, to never having to work while at school because they didn’t have to make their own money. These are all privileges that are way more likely to help you succeed in getting the marks needed to enter medical school and for successfully completing. Not to mention graduating debt free, that will enable them to grow their own wealth from the start without having to worry about loan repayment, interest, etc. on top of opening a practice, hours of work, and so on.

Another example was someone I know explaining that they were given the directive to hire someone that was either female or a visible minority for a position where the most experienced candidates were white males. The factor they didn’t take into account is the reason why white males had the most experience was that historically their organization hired males first, that it has racist roots and that people have a natural tendency to promote those that seem most like them. All these factors made it so that of course, white males would have more experience than any other demographic. The reality is experience doesn’t make for the best candidate always.

Privilege is a funny thing – it’s something that in order to recognize requires identifying our values. Any time I have had a hard time recognizing my privilege, I, upon better reflection/critical thinking, have been able to see that it is because I don’t always value that privilege. Me not valuing something doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I don’t value status or power, but in being white I have held it.

I know myself and my values, this gives me the privilege of resilience. That resilience gives me the freedom to walk away from things that don’t align with my values, things that make me feel untrue to my integrity. I live in a country that has universal health care, good public education, democracy and free market – all these make my life privileged. There is of course the need to recognize choices and that we all make them; that some end up positive and some negative. What we need to realize is that choice in itself is a privilege. Lots of people go through life with limited choices because circumstances that happen. Privilege is not having to overcome a circumstance.

I had another discussion with a friend where they said travel is a right and I had to argue that it is not. Travel is a luxury. Rights are things that we as humans, as a society should ensure are available to everyone not just a few. My friend’s inability to recognize that her frequent travel was something that most can’t afford is an example of her lack of reflection.

Recently it has come out that we won’t be able to open our fitness facilities for at least a month. I saw a thread that was debating the need for sports in the lives of our youth. That the lack of access was hurting the mental health of our youth. One comment was saying that in the area they service with work, sports/extra curricular were not always accessible to youth, that this was something for the more affluent/wealthy. The point being that those that don’t always have access to such programs aren’t always suffering, that it is a luxury, that those who are normally privileged should recognize that and maybe reflect on their positions.

The idea being that there are bigger problems than not being able to travel and do sports. These are privileges. It’s not that they aren’t important or that access to them don’t vastly improve our lives, because it does, but that not everyone has the same access, the same positives, so they are privileges.

I see the importance of recognizing privilege because it makes us unpack what we value and sort out things based on what is a right and what is a privilege. I have had conversations with people that believe travel is a right but that health care is not. That access to guns is a right but strong public education is not. The reason I bring this up is that those stances are based on privilege held that if something happened to these individuals they would be ok. Whether it financially, medically or in the justice system because of the social position. This is reality.

What I hope is that after reading this, you will take a few minutes to unpack your own privilege. Do the critical thinking. Make the comparisons. Find the things to be grateful for. Decide what you believe are fundamental human rights. I know it’s a lot. I do a lot of spinning but I have to tell you that acknowledging life as it is, and doubling down on what is important has given me resilience.

Representation Matters : Why the Inauguration was so much more than just another President

  • A caution, this piece shares stories of personal reflection that might be hurtful to marginalized individuals, they are intended as examples of growth of thought and how it is not ok to follow those lines anymore.

We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one

– Amanda Gorman, The Hill We Climb

A funny thing happened to me this week while watching the inauguration, I found myself in tears, uncontrollably sobbing as times. It had nothing to do with Joe, although, truth be told having the day end with no violence gave me a much needed sigh of relief. Watching Kamala Harris, the sun shining on her face, the little sniff at the start (possibly holding back tears), the beautiful smile on her face, chin up and shoulders back – this moment was truly special and it got me. Even days later and now, I am still choked up watching it, my heart swelling at all the obstacles she overcame to get there. She is not one or two, but three firsts in American history, the first Black, the first South Asian and the first female Vice President.

I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me, a Canadian, to see a woman be sworn in as Vice President of the United States. I liken it to watching the Olympics though, that although I was never someone that could aspire to such greatness in sport I still tear up knowing everything that goes into that accomplishment. Kamala did what I wasn’t sure would be possible in my lifetime and she has opened the door for many to come after.

This doesn’t mean that it’s instantly going to be easy anyone coming after but it does mean that there is precedence. I still wait with baited breathe, as I am so well aware of the often double standard we have for women over men. There will be a magnifying glass over her, just waiting to point out any failures or ‘deficiencies’ but I have faith that she will go beyond our expectations of greatness. She may stumble but she will hold the door for so many to follow. Her triple threat of representation and her success will help pave the way for more Black, South Asian and/or females to come after and hopefully hold positions of even higher significance.

I am white, so my only tie to Kamala is that of being female and let me tell you that tie is strong. It also gave me a gift, it opened my eyes to why representation matters so much – truth be told before I intellectually understood it, but never really felt it. It’s really easy to go through life being ignorant to what it’s like to not be represented. Growing up, and still now, there is massive representation of white people in North America and globally. I grew up in a neighbourhood where we had lots of Asian/South Asian students but very little Black population. I also swam growing up, a very white sport, and had little friends (one of memory) or interactions with people of different races or even different religions except when attending public vs. catholic school.

When I say ignorant, it’s not meant to be harsh but honest. I genuinely didn’t know, and didn’t or wouldn’t put the time in to understand how it might feel if I didn’t constantly see like people around me. Whether it be coaches, or teachers, doctors, actors, those in any leadership position have always had some like connection to me. I used to think I understood because my body type isn’t the ideal, meaning I’m short and squat, thick thighs, overweight but really that’s a whole other thing. I basically cared but didn’t really care enough to push for representation of other races, cultures, etc. I didn’t have a culture of my own I felt affiliation for and because of that I didn’t/wouldn’t recognize the overwhelming representation of my race in our society and the privilege that comes with that. The reality is that people gravitate to those they feel are like them and we need to actively work against that in order to ensure proper representation is present.

I am embarrassed to tell this story but feel like it’s a good example of how ingrained, naive, ignorant the thought process can be – when Halle Bailey was selected to play Ariel in the upcoming live action version of the Little Mermaid, I got my back up. Why? I wanted someone that looked like the cartoon, some one with red hair, someone my daughter could see herself in, someone without wanting to say it, but someone white. It’s not that Halle wasn’t a wonderful singer or talented actress. She is beautiful and is sure to do a terrific job. What I had such a hard time admitting, what I would dance around, and tried not to acknowledge was the race piece. That my focus was that I wanted to my daughter to picture herself as the little Mermaid, a character I love, and if she was portrayed as Black, I was worried that maybe she wouldn’t be able to. This I have learned is white centering and is one of the systemic ways in which racism presents itself in white people.

What lies in my realization is exactly why representation matters. I was worried about my daughter being able to see herself in a role that I thought was important, but the reality is that she could just watch the cartoon and the more important reality is that Black girls don’t have the same number of opportunities to see themselves represented in the princess or lead roles. So I had to ask myself why is it more important that my daughters feels that? but not a Black child, a Latina child and Indigenous child? When you see it that way, it’s clear that it’s not more important. I was being irrational, I was minimizing the importance of representation due to my own wants and needs. I was thinking my feelings matter more than representation, and that is just wrong.

It is more important for everyone, regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, to feel as though they are represented than my own personal feelings. Everyone should have moments where their hearts swell seeing someone like them accomplish a dream.

Representation isn’t just about race – watching Amanda Gorman present her poem, The Hill We Climb, was incredibly moving. I went deep diving after, wanting to learn more about this amazing presence. I watched a few interviews, and made my daughter watch some more. You would never know that she grew up with a speech impediment. The grace and ease with which she spoke was exceptional. Being a hand talker myself, I was equally thrilled to watch the use of her whole body to express her words. By now it is known that Joe Biden himself also suffers from a stutter.

Although you may look at these two individuals and only see their success, it is important to acknowledge the struggle that comes with either of these speech afflictions. Part of human nature can be to focus on what could go wrong or how hard something might be to accomplish; in focusing on this we hold ourselves back. When we don’t have people to look up to, people that feel like us, look like us, our dreams can seem impossible. Watching Joe get his words out, taking pause when needed or Amanda lead with such grace shows all those with similar struggles that they shouldn’t allow that one thing to hinder or define them. By that I mean, that all the positions that require constant speaking, whether it be teaching, acting, spoken artist, leader, lawyer – there are so many others are now more imaginable than before; this is representation in action.

Another piece of representation that came up with Biden was in his first executive orders which included “all persons should receive equal treatment under the law, no matter their gender identity or sexual orientation”. This will help ensure that transgender individuals are protected against discrimination. It is a stepping stone to help ensure that same sex couples are entitled to the same rights and benefits as opposite sex couples. It is important because it is saying that everyone is valued and deserving of equality. Having greater protection of rights for a group that is under represented is essential to providing a safe space for these individuals.

One needs only look at the suicide stats, that 1 in 3 transgender youth attempted suicide in 2015, compared with the average population of 2.5% and more recently 1 in 20 during the pandemic (Mental Health Commission report/Canadian Mental Health Association), it is clear that we need to do a better job of ensuring transgender individuals know they are valued and cared for, by providing support and inclusion.

One of the outcries that has come out, is from groups concerned with transgender female athletes and their inclusion in Women’s sport. This has gone as far as the ridiculous hashtag #BidenErasedWomen and the claim that there is some ‘new glass ceiling’ for girls/women in Sport. Let’s just think about the hashtag for a minute, Biden Erased Women, that because his administration wants to recognize ALL women, this somehow is erasing us? Does this make sense to anyone? It’s like people are picturing a Tootsie situation, when transgender people are only trying to live true to themselves.

There are already guidelines and testing in place by the NCAA and the IOC for transgender athletes. These levels are the ones where you would think there would be concern, because of the high level of achievement. The idea that a transgender girl or woman takes away or lessens the ability of a cis-gender girl or woman to succeed, is the same line of thinking that someone else thriving or doing well makes you less likely to also succeed or do well; which I think we can all agree is nonsense.

The ability for athletes succeeding is much more based on their privilege, access to programs, parental support, their drive, their commitment and natural ability – it has little, to nothing to do with their competition.

The reality is that life for a transgender individual has enough obstacles without cis-gender people putting more on them. Being a swimmer I can only imagine just how hard it would be for a transgender athlete to be comfortable and open. The very nature of what we wear in swimming shows the entire body. It is enough pressure on individuals to fit certain ‘ideal’ body types without having the added requirement of not fitting the uniform. If someone is brave and comfortable enough with themselves to identify as being transgender than we should celebrate and welcome them, not turn them away.

I will admit when the idea first came about of allowing transgender individuals to use the bathrooms or change rooms that matched their identity I was nervous, and questioned the potential abuse/invasion of girls locker rooms. I envisioned a teenager wanting to get their kicks by claiming their preferred identity to be female, and literally in writing this out, I am hearing how absolutely absurd that line of thinking is. It would require someone to wholly commit their formative years to an identity that doesn’t match theirs. An identity, being transgender, that is often met with hostility, bullying or worse, violence. An identity that has been/can be mislabelled and/or mistreated as a mental illness. Yes, of course it would make sense that one might to pretend to be this, you know to just, to potentially see a girl undress? Yes, this sounds very logically (please note intense sarcasm). I actually was talking this point over with a friend and they mentioned that if that it’s hard to believe that this is really a concern, as many people claiming that, are the same that brush off mysogynistic locker room talk, as boys will be boys. These people tend to be the same and that messaging is completely hypocritical, so it’s really that they just don’t like, or want to try and understand transgender individuals.

The thing about the argument that transgender individuals would behave in such a way, or that there would be abuse or perversion potential comes from fear. Yes, if a grown man walked into a restroom where my 8 year old daughter was in, I would be concerned, but at that point I could accompany her. The fact is the pedophiles/abusers tend to prey closer to home but that is another discussion entirely, one that should not even come up when discussing transgender rights. The fear that people have about transgender, is that it makes them question themselves, what they know and realize how much they don’t know.

The unknown in life, the out of our control is what is the most terrifying. When we are faced with something we don’t understand or can’t imagine being, we, as humans, tend to shut down. It’s hard work to put yourself in another’s shoes, to be open to their struggle and their pain because so often we have our own things that we are trying to deal with, but does that make it ok to deny the rights of other humans just because we as individuals can’t do our own work, NO. No, it is not ok, in case you were wondering.

Biden acknowledging the rights of gender identity and sexual orientation and his choice of Rachel Levine, a openly transgender person as the Assistant Secretary of Health, is sending a clear message that everyone belongs within the government. Everyone has a stake in the success of a nation and everyone should have a voice in it’s future. Representation is necessary for Equality to exist.

I am not expecting the new Administration to be perfect, but I will say the start has was one for the books. I know for me it gave an opportunity to lean into myself. To explore feelings and ask questions, I am grateful that it opened my heart to more understanding; I hope others feel the same. My biggest wish is that we see more, more diversity, more celebration of our differences and more commitment to represent all people.

We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all

– Amanda Gorman, The Hill We Climb

Exploring The Why: Wealth, Status and Power

Starting 2021 my goal was to continue to focus on a Values Mindset – I brought up my Values of Focus for the year being Grace, Perseverance, Creativity, Health and Candor.

I was thinking of my post last week and realized that there wasn’t a lot of Grace written in or extended to the values explored. I wanted to take a beat and try and dive into the why someone might hold the three values of Wealth, Status and Power. Hopefully gaining some empathy for the individual vs. the actions.

Part of the reason why I rely so heavy on a Values Mindset is because I believe it is essential to be able to separate a person and their actions, especially when making judgements on the person as a whole. Now I know the argument can be made that we are the sum of all our actions however it is unfair and unreasonable to not allow for missteps. Part of the reason why I can maintain a relationship with my parents is that I know their actions aren’t always a reflection of who they are as a whole or what they truly value. So I focus on the values of a person instead.

Before looking at the three Values specifically I want to bring up the understanding that there are two ways to view your world, I know this is stating things are this or that, right or wrong, black or white when in fact there is a ton of grey but there are some instances where these exists – one instance is that you can either view your life with gratitude or with discontent, there really isn’t an in-between. Now I know this seems overly simplified and it is a bit, but what I mean is that you can choose to focus on what you have or you can choose to focus on what you don’t. It’s that age old question of is the glass have full or half empty.

My most favourite and relatable example of this, is taxes. So often when I have spoken with people with Wealth, or those with high incomes they have an obsession on how much they pay in taxes. Here is the thing, something I think that often gets forgotten is those in the highest tax bracket only pay that high tax rate on the money they made ABOVE all the other tax brackets. That means that everyone else underneath them also paid the same amount for the brackets below and they didn’t have anything else left over above that to get taxed.

Also people forget or might not realize if you are in the lowest few tax brackets, it can be really hard to max out your tax reduction contributions because more than likely you are using your entire income to pay bills. But I am digressing and can/will I’m sure visit this thought another time – the point is, that those complaining are doing so because their focus is on what they are losing, not on what the get for those taxes or even more importantly what they get to keep (which is much more than those in lower brackets).

The mindset being grateful for what you do get to keep, of focusing on what you have is one that can make a difference in where you place these three values within your life and priority list. Remembering that we all hold a great many values but that where, and how we prioritize them comes out in where we spend our energy and how we make our decisions.

Let’s look at the Value of Wealth, a large part of this obsession comes from the Capitalist structure of our society. The miseducation of the masses on pure capitalism, socialism and communism. There are nuances and the lines are not black or white, here there is a lot a grey.

The necessity of a free market and having healthy competition is essential to business and an economy. The issue is that as a society we need to have some things be collective, think of roads, water filtration, health care, recreation centres, etc. There are so many things that we get from giving collectively that no one really thinks about, that giving, is in the form of taxes and this equals some form of socialism. Most of the Western world is Capitalist based with shades of socialism including the United States. They pay taxes too, it’s what you get for those taxes that show the underlying values of the society as a whole. In the U.S. they do heavy spending in their military and police forces in the name of Law & Order of their country so it would stand to reason that the lines of spending follow the values of Status and Power.

In other countries that have different values such as Equality, Education, Health, Compassion, Humanity – their spending is placed differently. It does generally cost most to fund more but it does all come down to values.

One issue with Wealth as a value, and this line of thinking is that Wealth is merit based and that we live in a meritocracy, when we most definitely do not. One thing the pandemic has made glaringly clear is that those working essential jobs are the ones that are forever taken for granted (health care workers) and quite often paid the least (retail, customer service, grocery).

Capitalist society demands and requires that we consume in order to keep things going. This consumption leads to Materialistic values, the need to keep up with the Joneses vs. reflecting on what is actually necessary. The thing about Materialistic values is that they can leave one feeling empty because often there is a purpose missing. When one does not have the means to have, they find purpose and joy in different areas, ones that aren’t reliant on consumption.

Wealth is something many either aspire to or are born with. When you are born into Wealth my feeling would be that it is hard to imagine life without it. I know from my own privilege that it makes me sad knowing I currently am not in a position to give my kids all the opportunities I had simply due to the fact that I don’t have the same income as my parents and live in a different, more expensive time. I can understand why the value of Wealth would be high then because it could mean feeling or being less than what you were born into, that it can feel like failure.

For others its perhaps that they saw their parents struggle financially as kids, or they were always the never haves. Meaning they never got the new ‘it’ toy at Christmas or they never got to go on that Mexican vacation. Maybe it’s that they truly struggled and had food or housing insecurity so that now they see Wealth as security and live in a state of fear of living insecurely again.

The concern I have is many confuse Wealth with security, it is not one and the same. It can mean Financial freedom but not really security. Freedom to buy anything you wish without worry, or help friends out or be philanthropic. Security is knowing that you are safe, that everything is or will be ok; Security is something totally different. Many people will spend or take on higher debt with higher income, hence the lack of true connection to security.

When valuing Wealth it is important to know the end game, to what end do you want to reach? Is it paying off your home, your children’s education, travelling – what is the goal? Hoarding Wealth is a problem, you can’t take it with you when you die. Wealth doesn’t give you kisses goodnight, it doesn’t hold your hand when you’re sick, it doesn’t do good when hoarded – so be sure if this is a value of yours that you know to what end.

The second two values I really struggle in exploring with no judgement, is Status, the reason being is that I am someone that doesn’t value either Status or Power in any way. I am incapable of truly understanding Status as a value, I can theorize and that’s it, because to me it means that someone is more/better than another. It is the exact opposite of something I value greatly and that is Equality. I would argue that you can not value both Status and Equality because that are antonyms.

Those that value Status like hierarchal organizations. Hierarchy is familiar, it is comfortable. When we are kids there is a natural order, or levels. The adults in your life have a perceived Status of authority and knowledge above your own. I have always been someone that bucked that tradition, and being a lucky parent, my daughter has followed suit (this is me joking because it is the root of most of our clashes). I believe in mutual respect and care for everyone. I’m genuine to everyone because I live my life valuing all not just those that I feel like have something to give me. That until someone has shown they do not deserve my respect, they get it, it is based on behaviour and merit. The opposite way to interact is by making Status as what determines respect. Status can also provide a feeling of control or perceived control over others.

Maybe those that value Status might do so because they felt like they didn’t have enough control in their life growing up, this could have been in their family or in a social setting. I would hazard a guess that they are the kind of individual that feels better when they put others down vs. lifting them up. Those that value Status believe in Superiority and this can come out in many ways whether it is through religion (my God is better than you God), or power seeking; they believe that it is good to be ‘above’ others.

The thing about Status is that meaningless, it is only in the eye of the beholder. I have felt this often in work situations, where many times ‘bosses’ have tried to put me in what could only be described as ‘in line’. The thing about someone that doesn’t value Status at all, is that this approach will not work, you must gain my respect through shared values. I have seen many a time a meme of the difference between a boss and a leader – picture this – two images one on top of the other – in one the Boss sits behind their desk, on a pedestal, giving orders to those below. The second image is of the leader, in the front of line of those below working with them to pull the load above.

Religions, mostly Christian have been founded on the need for Status. This isn’t my interpretation of living Christian values but it is the reality of many churches and Religious organizations. From the hierarchal structure to the very idea of Heaven and Hell, there is status everywhere. When you look at the teachings of Jesus, he believed in the value of every person and held no one of higher status than another. Power and desire for Status was created by man in the form of Religion and has created issues within our own humanity and ability to live a Christ like life. I need to bring this up now but can’t dive in fully and will need to, at another time, but I think it is important to bring up how Status plays into religion and to ask you to reflect on how it ties to your own faith and behaviours.

The sad thing about Status is that so many aim to reach a certain level, in their head they might have a goal of a certain amount of followers, or a certain income or a certain level of job title but they do this without really evaluating whether or not it is aligned with their values or something they really want or need, and to what end. Similar to Wealth, as a value, to what end does Status get you?

Power could be argued that it is similar to Status, there are important differences though. Power can be insidious. Unlike Status, Power is something that can be wielded regardless of whether or not the affected group buy ins. Power is something that doesn’t need to be earned. I am realizing now in writing that Power is something so much more complicated and problematic, as it, like Money, is not based on merit but is misconceived as such. Power has been handed down from those that have to those that have, time and time again and any effort to equalize things has been faced with backlash.

It is understandable how an obsession with Power would come about if one grew up with little or no control. The need to gain some semblance of autonomy is natural for humans. Power for kids can be something small like being able to make your own decision on what to wear or eat in day. Imagine not ever being given choice. The secondary scenario I can imagine is almost the exact opposite, never being told no. When a child is given complete Power over the decisions of their adults, they would have a hard time not understanding that they can’t have everything they want, this breeds Narcisscists. Setting boundaries is important and ensures that Power dynamics don’t get out of hand.

When Power has always been held, it is hard to to imagine life without it. Power without merit is the most dangerous kind because it will do anything to continue, it requires ruthlessness because it knows it is not earned, that without oppression and suppression it won’t be able to maintain it’s hold.

White Supremacy is a clear example of Power getting out of hand. One where people are now desperate to hold onto the status quo. Part of it is Status, but that Status part is rooted in the Power of knowing privilege. I think subconsciously more people are aware of their privilege than they are willing to admit. They know the privilege that comes with being white provides a power that isn’t provided to other races. The events at the Capital on January 6th is a prime example of white people using their privilege and assumed Power to commit heinous crimes. The Power has been left unchecked and because white people are so scared to lose their own Power (no matter how small and insignificant feeling) within their own lives they are willing to let others continue to spread dangerous rhetoric and act recklessly.

Power is a fragile ideal – the reason I say it is insidious is, as in my example of white supremacy, most white people like to believe they are good, me included, but when it comes to ensuring equality like say for example trying to have more representation in a workforce or education program white people are the first to cry fowl. The reason being, is this below the surface, subconscious, unrecognized level of power we have over minorities and any giving away of that power feels like a loss, even when it’s not. Even if it is a personal loss, like maybe you personally lose a role to someone of a different race, someone that is capable, that can but maybe hasn’t had the same opportunities as you so is less ‘experienced’ (I say this as experience is relative), due to life circumstances/race, isn’t it the right thing to give them this opportunity?

It’s a fact, that there is an over representation of white males in the top corporate seats. When you look at population stats vs that of the top CEOs and Leadership positions in Fortune 500 companies there are stark differences. One can argue that it’s because women take maternity leave, that these companies owners inherited their positions or whatever other factors they want to put in but the reality is that white men like to keep white men in Power because they are alike, it continues the cycle and that makes it possible for their own children (like them) to succeed.

The sometimes subconscious, I’m sure it’s actually conscious at times, thing is that they equate giving up space in their world to losing their position of Power. It’s the mentality of having to keep people down to hold themselves up. Or even more so that if someone else succeeds it means I won’t – this is not a correct or healthy line of thinking; It’s dangerous, it’s harmful. Giving or sharing Power with others actually gives energy and can allow for support, innovation, and other awesome things.

You can see where Power gets out of control and understand where it comes from – the key is that it can’t be a guiding value. Wanting the Power to make your own decision is fair and right. Wanting the Power to control others is not. Absolute Power or wanting Power to subdue others is vile. I was almost going to say wanting Power to lift others is good but Power is not the value you would want – Leadership or Influence quite possibly would be.

Having spent a bit more time diving into these Values has been good, albeit there is still so much to say and explore. I hope that it’s added some food for thought for you. My intention genuinely was to give more Grace and I hope I did that at least a little bit, but I am well aware that this definitely wasn’t all there. The thing about Grace in reflecting on Values is that I can provide it to individuals like I do my family but when thinking on the Values themselves it doesn’t work. For Values, and how we apply them, rank them, make us who we are. So there is the grey…. the none finite… Values may not have wiggle room but people need it.

Wealth, Status and Power: The Values to the Storming of the Capital

I had a completely different post in mind for this week, one that would build on Values setting and defining whether you are someone that focuses on what you have vs what you don’t, but I wanted to address the storming of the US Capitol on Wednesday. This is an exceptionally long post but please stick with me as I work through what I believe to be the Values that put us in this position.

This actually links in with my original topic a little, in that those that stormed the capitol, the insurgents, their rhetoric is all based on the focus of what they don’t have vs what they do. The vast majority of those in attendance were white, and predominately male – the pinnacle of privilege, not just in North America but worldwide. All claiming their freedoms were being grossly neglected or infringed upon. The fact that they were quite literally destroying government property as they rioted, and let’s be real, they were clearly rioters, not protestors, without more injury or death shows the amount of privilege the group held.

To add insult to injury, the following day the Electoral College count went ahead and some still objected. This objection is a clear signal to those that took steps to storm, or were present, or that even perhaps thought about it, that they were right in doing so. As much as Ted Cruz wants to say that he chose to object because so many Americans also questioned the validity of the election is , pardon my french, bullshit.

What Mr. Cruz is doing is setting himself up for re-election in 2 years, because he understands that he needs their votes to keep his job. Ted Cruz is showing he values Status and Power above all else.

Below is a list from NPR with all the electors that objected to the count.

https://www.npr.org/sections/congress-electoral-college-tally-live-updates/2021/01/07/954380156/here-are-the-republicans-who-objected-to-the-electoral-college-count

It should seem inconceivable that anyone that was elected would not choose to uphold the results of an election, especially after such a long and drawn out process, recount, etc. I want to be clear I am not American, and I do not live in the United States but in nearby Canada. In a province, Alberta, that politically tends to run close to the US. So my outside view, is that outside, I only know the US through the news, visits there and friends or family that have lived there.

Before we start I want to introduce a concept known as ‘ethical relativism’ – those in the generation that became adults during the period of 1960-90 are part of a greater generation labelled the me-generation. Although the concept can be applied to any generation, the greatest numbers are seen in this timeframe. The idea of ‘ethical relativism’ is that if it’s good for me, then it’s good. The whole ethical decision making process starts with me vs we, and is self centric vs greater good. That ethics are relative to every situation and there aren’t any guiding values or principles for a community as a whole.

Now obviously not all people subscribe to this idea of ethics because we wouldn’t be able to have any kind of functioning society, however enough have adopted that we have seen a great many crimes (think white collar) and behaviour driven by this concept. It’s something I would like to explore more in depth later but please keep this in mind whenever you are exploring your own values and decisions or find yourself empathizing with others. Are you falling into this pit of relativism? Are you empathizing because you too would make a similar decision if put in the same spot.

When people question how the storming of the capital could have happened. Or say that it could never happen in Canada, it makes me shake my head. There are so many values and things to unpack here, Superority, Equality, Freedom, Education, Community, Transparency, the list is massive but I want to focus on how we got here and that is having overriding values of Wealth, Status and Power.

I will try and dig into to why I believe these are the three values are what led to the group believing what they were doing was righteous, and why politicians maintain their objection of their electoral college count even after the violence and what other potential issues stem from having these as guiding values.

Journalist Jessica Yellin did an great instagram post titled, We Need to Reform Us. In it she talks about how interns said they were just accustomed to this kind of political environment. How sad that is and how did we get to this state. She brings up the concept of needing to reform the United States from the Values up. That social media could have done better but it might have hurt their bottom line. I watched it and it just resonated with everything I’ve been hoping to get to and definitely speaks to the concept of Ethical Relativism. I highly recommend checking out Jessica, supporting her work and group, News not Noise, which the focuses on delivering the news via straight facts vs dramatization. Her insta handle is @jessicayellin and she can be supported via Patreon at the link below.

https://www.patreon.com/jessicayellin

Ok, so let’s unpack this a little bit and start with Wealth – I overheard a former colleague last year speaking with someone and they said ‘Donald Trump is not all bad. You made money last year (meaning 2019) and I made money’. I couldn’t hear the response from whom they were speaking with but I remember thinking to myself, no, Trump, Donald Trump is all bad.

The thing about the statement is that it showed exactly where the person’s individual priority and values laid, making money, and accumulating Wealth. It was acceptable to them to allow a documented Tax Evader, Racist, Narcissist to be in power because they personally benefited.

I had another conversation with a dear friend of mine, where they too argued that Trump wasn’t all bad. That he did what he said he was going to do. That for all his bad, he made people more money. This friend has wealth, so their priority is the stock market, and the wealth generated there. They are willing to forgive all his bad traits for their own gain, even though the average person can not invest in the stock market because the cost of living is so high they don’t have savings to invest in the first place. That the top 1.8% (the amount of people making over $400k/year, that the new tax proposal would affect) was more important than the bottom 98.2%. I don’t think it’s obvious to them because it’s not their world, their bubble doesn’t require that they think of those that don’t have the same resources as them, and their privilege has never put them in a position where they would need see it any other way.

Once someone is wealthy, truly wealthy, it is hard to spend all that money. There also appears to be a mental block that once you reach a certain level that you don’t ever want to fall below that, meaning, if you reached one million dollars in savings, you just want to see it keep growing. So the priority becomes to maintain that above all else. Wealth gets hoarded.

Jeff Bezos is a relatively easy target just to run an example of hoarding. His current net worth is estimated at 186 Billion dollars. If he decided to keep 1 billion and then split the remaining 185 between all his employees (est. 575,700) they would each receive approximately $321,000, and he would still have that one billion dollars left. If Jeff Bezos lives to 100 (another 46 years), than he would need to spend over 11 million dollars a day to be at zero at time of death. Now someone might hear these stats and think that’s impressive or maybe they aspire to that kind of Wealth but to what end, what would it get you.

The last argument I have experienced in favour of Trump, in regards to Wealth, is that he is more lenient on Climate Change and Environmental issues, as if this is a good thing. That because Alberta counts heavily on Oil and Gas, that we should support a candidate that will potentially help our hurting industry, regardless of how much damage he could do to his own country.

They advocated for Trump because he is Republican and Christian values are important. What behaviour does Trump demonstrate that is at all Christian? What values? What service? And those Values of goodness are prioritized below that of Wealth.

What it really came down to was that they believed he could save our (meaning Alberta) economy. That their job relied heavily on people being able to purchase new homes but they didn’t think that we have possibly lived in an unsustainable economy for a long time. That for some reason if they as an individual were profiting from Trump being elected than everything else was ok. They would use any line of reasoning to ensure their own wealth. When I brought up the potential of a civil war and that Trump was baiting people into dangerous behaviour and perpetuating lies, the response was still to go back to the need for money.

Wealth as a value can be tied to many others such as materialism, hard work, security, which can be explored at a later post.

Following a line of thought and reasoning all the way to other possible outcomes and not just stopping at what is convenient to you is so important. Putting up blinders because something is good for you is how we, as humans, in general, get ourselves in trouble. It’s how nothing gets better; we need to try and all see the whole picture.

Why bring in Status as one of the overarching values that needs consideration, well the blatant Racism and hate shown by participants (everyone has seen the photo of the noose?) as well as the gentle treatment of the insurgents is one reason but I’ll expand.

Status and where you fit in the world, or your perceived value within society, plays a big part in how one is treated, how one treats others and the amount of privilege they hold.

Status as a value is the desire to be superior to another, it’s all relative in the social structure of our societies. The whole notion of holding status as a value is so detrimental to our overall society. How I picture it is an analogy, one that is easy for me to picture due to my training as a lifeguard. Picture two people drowning and one holding onto the other in order to get their own head above water.

You can see that image and think that the one person is just trying to keep their head up by any means necessary or you can look at it and realize that they are willing to drown someone in order to hold themselves up.

The idea of status is all perception, it is not born from fact at all and it is a very precarious thing. It’s why inequality of all kinds still run rampant, because we as humans are so willing to put others down in order to hold ourselves higher. The thing about it, is that when status is all anyone cares about the only thing that can come about is hurt and pain.

When we look at the protests that took place to support Black Lives Matter, there was instant reaction to squash these mostly peaceful demonstrations. There was defence that Police couldn’t be expected to tell the difference between a protestor and a rioter, someone there to out of peace and to spread a message vs someone just out to destroy. Don’t get me wrong I am sure there were some protestors that did damage property. They were emotional, hurt, angry and rightfully so given the reason for protesting. The cause (Black Lives Matter) is rooted in the desire to protect their own lives and the lives of their young. During the protests there was more care around the businesses that were injured (which should have property and business insurance, by the way) than there was for the Black lives needlessly lost.

Yet, for the Riot, again when seeing the images, the videos and hearing the words – you can’t rationalize it as anything else. A Riot, an attempted coup, an insurrection – trying to overthrow an election result. There has been suspicious quiet.

Since this recent election, I have been highly encouraging everyone I meet to look up voter suppression. I went down the rabbit hole one day and was horrified at what I learned. In Canada, we are so privileged that if we want to vote we only need to have a piece of I.D. and a piece of mail or voter card. We don’t have to ensure we are registered, we can and should complete our census (those lovely people that come door to door every now and then) but it’s not a requirement in order to vote. There is also the Canada Elections Act that ensures every voter has a right to a minimum of 3 consecutive hours off during voting hours in order to vote, and no employer can make a deduction in pay due to the requirement.

The need to register is the first potential barrier to voting. My understand is the second is the amount of support and funding provided to every polling station. These are notorious for not being evenly distributed and having wait times ranging from 10 min to 90 min plus, mostly due solely to economic status. Think about this… if you are someone making minimum wage, or perhaps working two jobs in order to manage paying bills – how much time would you have time vote? Could you afford to take time off to ensure your voice was heard? The whole idea of voter suppression is to try and ensure the maintenance of the status of a certain voter group. To hopefully influence the outcome of the election by sheer access.

So let’s get back to those at the Capitol, they broke in windows, terrorized the guards and stole government property, among other things. There has been a lot of coverage on the fact that so few arrests have been made and that those arrested are facing much less jail time than would be expected or that of someone arrested in support of Black Lives Matter. The reason behind this I believe, is the desire of the individuals (law enforcement, politicians) involved want maintain their status and this means maintaining the white vote.

This desire to preserve the status above all else is again showing a decision making process that applies ethical relativism, meaning good for me. It does not benefit white people to raise the status of Black, Indigenous or any People of Colour and so they protect their own interests. We are too busy holding others down or being ok with others doing it for us, all in the hopes of maintaining comfort or perhaps gaining a level of status.

The third value is Power, the innate power that comes with being an elected official is tangible, we call them our law makers for a reason. As mentioned at the start, I believe that those that still voted to object to the Electoral College vote did so in order to try and keep their own seats even when they know the election was not stolen. The reality is they need the votes of those rioters, the Trump supporters, the Conspiracy theorists, in order to maintain their own power.

Power being the ability to do something or act in a particular way – that is the power I am referring to, not the Divine power, not Righteous power but just in the ability to do or act in a particular way. Think of the wording of that definition from Oxford Languages. It is exactly what people are trying so hard to hold onto and why they rioted. They want to be able to continue to hate, hurt, and kill as they see fit.

The reality is that recently white people have been claiming they want freedom, which is what they have, what is visibly getting lost is the control of Power. With the pandemic, we have asked people to think of others, to maintain their distance, to wear masks. None of these are infringements of freedoms but they can be argued to be loss of power because they are putting people in similar positions. We are all stuck at home, we are all trying to survive, we are on a more equal plain.

With the very first, Woman, and Person of Colour both of Black and Asian decent stepping into the role of Vice-President of the United States – these people are angry, they will use any rationale possible to try and regain their grip over power.

When Hilary Clinton lost the vote in 2016, I made a comment to some friends that the US is more sexist than racist, as they clearly were so threatened by a woman being in office that they voted a hateful, womanizing bigot over of a female. Even women voted for Trump – my theory on that is that we (women) have been raised to tear eachother down in order to succeed vs supporting each other, and rising together. I mean, how dare Hilary have the audacity to go after a position like that? Doesn’t she know she should stay in her own lane.

I am so grateful and heartened to know that Kamala Harris will be stepping into such an important role and hopeful that we will potentially see her become President one day. But the rhetoric and the amount of people that voted for someone that clearly cares only to hold onto their own power hurt my heart and should scare us.

Donald Trump does not have the best interest of the American people at heart – he only cares about number one, himself. He wanted the ultimate seat in leadership not to serve, but to wield power as he sees fit. The politicians that voted to object the Electoral College vote also do not wish to serve. Maybe it’s that they are attempting to gain favour within the future of the Republican party, or possibly they believe in a potential revolution and are trying to line themselves up for positions of power in a new party. At minimum they are trying to keep their own seats, at any cost. Please do not forget that they voted to discount your votes, all your votes even their supporters.

The reality is that the Republicans knew that Donald Trump is monstrous, and the beast that he was feeding was getting out of control. They could have tried to oppose him being the leader of their party, he could have been a one term president. They could have tried to force him to step down – have someone else step up but when they realized that without the votes of those that hold Trump so high they most likely wouldn’t stand a chance in winning, they sold out. Power over Peace.

Similar to the Progressive Conservatives party in Alberta, they reigned for decades until in a history making election lost their grip and the province went orange to NDP. The reason is that they had spilt up, into the Wild Rose party and the Progressive Conservatives. They couldn’t get enough votes separated because they realized they has split their base. Wild Rose couldn’t win on their own because they were just a touch too judgemental/conservative on the personal issues (ones that should not be up for debate, such as reproductive rights, LGBTQ rights, etc.) and the Progressives didn’t have the numbers on their own so they have made their bed with the Wild Rose to become the UCP. All in the name to gain that Power they so desire. It isn’t to serve us as a province, as the last two years has shown. So please don’t think that Canada is so different, we have politicians that are capable of the same values and have done the similar affiliations .

The same criticism can be made to mainstream media and social sites – to Jessica Yellin’s point, it’s not that Twitter and Facebook couldn’t have shut down the misinformation or hate speech. It’s that they couldn’t have made the same returns if they had. The all mighty dollar, all that is holy and important. Money, wealth, status and power within the tech game were at stake and so they let the beast run wild.

They may not have believed it would get this bad. Similar to the person I met in the Summer, they couldn’t imagine a Civil War, they told me I couldn’t actually think it was possible. It is possible, and the thing is our privilege of having no living generation remember what it was like to have a war fought on our land is making us blind. The fact of the matter is this behaviour, these values is who some are, who the nation of the United States has always been.

If we (the collective we, as humans) continue to value Wealth, Status and Power, we will see war on our shores. For with these three Values, there is never enough. And remember war is good for money, war creates jobs, the rich would get richer; Status could be cemented, Power gained.

How is it so impossible to believe this could happen? Has history taught us nothing?

All three of the Values that led to this time, this terror, have values that almost mirror them. Wealth and Security, Status and Popularity, Power and Leadership. But small differences can be remarkable.

Make sure you define your Values, prioritize them, be honest with yourself and others. Integrity is applying your Values at the same level for yourself, as you do others.

It’s not that Wealth, Status and Power are all bad but that when combined and/or put at a level of importance above all else they are ugly, they are ethically relative and will cause divide.

2021: The Values Reset

With the start of the New Year upon us, many are focusing on goals or traditional New Year’s resolutions. The thought process of ‘New Year, New Me’ is not necessarily a bad one, but what if we spend the time reflecting on values instead?

I want to challenge everyone, yes, I use that word a lot, but truly challenge you to use the start of the year to start the Values Mindset. What does that mean? What would that look like?

Well to start, when making your Goals for 2021, you first start with your Values instead of the desired End result, then you apply the Goal mindset to your Values; meaning that your life is dictated by fulfilling your Values vs. an end Goal that may potentially compromise those Values. I have made up a table designed in the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely) goal planning method (introduced by George Doran, slightly changed) with prompts identifying your Values while hopefully giving structure as to how to apply a Goal mindset to your Values. I have also made up a list of Values and Reflection Journal Prompts (including the concept of Two Stars and a Wish by Paul Buck and Dylan Wiliam’s). The Guide is meant to help structure your journal on the Values displayed in each day. If interested in receiving a PDF copy, go to the contact page and send me a note requesting the templates and I will happily send them your way.

I suggest starting with 5 Values to focus on for the year – you can go up to 10. Focusing on 5 and repeating goals specific to those will hopefully be less overwhelming and more manageable.

My 5 Values of Focus for 2021 are: Grace, Perseverance, Creativity, Health, Candor.

There is connectivity in the Values, I picked. This was done on purpose to allow for greater success in achieving them. They also connect with my CORE Values and will support my overall goal of living true to them. How will these show up in my life? Let’s dive in and I’ll theorize how my Values of Focus will appear in my every day life –

Grace – For me Grace is a combination of compassion, patience and empathy.

I am going back to work after having the last 10 days off, being able to just relax with my family and really bask in some much needed me time. Reading, working out and resting. Not only is it back to work in the morning but it’s back to Online School, because in our province, schools are delayed at least one week before in-class work begins.

I am going to need to give myself Grace, to allow myself to accept that I can’t possibly do it all perfectly. I have a knack for stopping myself from even trying if I can’t do it perfectly or getting super frustrated with things when I think it could be better. So I am going to need to breathe a bit more, take moments when needed and give Grace to not just me but also my kids and my partner as this will be yet another shift in life flow.

Another way Grace is sure to show up is in my interactions and judgements of others. It’s really easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone should think exactly the same way you do, but that’s just not reality. I will need to find ways to give Grace, and to continue to care for those that might not extend the same to myself, my family or loved ones. That doesn’t mean not holding people Accountable, because that is one of my top Values, but what it does mean is trying to lean into a person and understanding them. Finding compassion and empathy for them, being patient when they might not be ready to receive information or communication. Building arguments or discussions in ways that will enable someone to receive the information and actually reflect. I can be a bull in a china shop when I believe in something and so this year I am going to teach this bovine to dance a bit.

Perseverance – For me Perseverance is the combination of Goal Oriented, Discipline and Commitment.

I initially started this blog at the beginning of 2019. I was really good for the first few months but I let it drop off because I started a new job that became all consuming. I needed to take the time to learn balance but this year I want to commit that even if I only get a handful of views/reads, etc. that this medium, this outlet and a Value driven life is something to share. That helping others find their own Resilience and ability to self-reflect is something I want to honour.

I have some additional training and education to do at my day job, and I have made a goal to finish it by the end of 2022. That sounds huge, even just saying it but the long goal is important. I have often given up too early and this has hurt my ability to succeed, to fully realize my potential. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I haven’t accomplished much, I feel good where I’m at but that I do wonder what could have been sometimes, should I have stuck it out a bit longer. I’ll need to sacrifice to accomplish my goal, sacrifice me time and possibly family time, but the focus is when the going gets tough or when I start to negative self talk that I need to persevere, I will see it through.

Creativity – For me Creativity is the combination of Imagination, Individuality and Beauty.

Dreaming up all the ways I can connect with people and the possibility of building a community of support is a creative thing for me, it’s a beautiful thing. So this year, I am going to attempt to add a Podcast to this blog. I have goals to get creative in different mediums to reach as many people as possible. To think of ways to contribute to positive community change. This means learning whole new skill sets. The last two days I have spent trying to create a branding kit for Inventing Resilience. Picking colours, fonts, making a logo and a submark. I have tried to lay out a general outline for content for the next 12 months. I might fail and fall flat but I might also succeed. Failure is ok, mistakes will be made but growth comes from mistakes. I am choosing to value the attempt at Creativity above all else.

I am trying to do more research in reading and listening to other authors, hopefully engaging some if possible. I’ll be playing with how to make content more specific, not just for my main page but also the Relationship and Physical Resilience pages.

Health – For me Health is a combination of Fitness, Endurance and Vitality.

I started a 50 Days of Movement Challenge for myself on December 19th. I have so far successfully completed 16 Days of Movement with no break. I made sure to set myself up for success. My first week was when I only had a 4 day work week with 10 days off to follow and now I’m just hoping the whole two weeks to create a habit thing has kicked in.

The reason why I wanted to make a challenge for myself specifically around movement vs. fitness is that movement is more consistently achievable for me. If I miss a hard core workout one day (I’m following two separate online programs currently) than I can simply take my pup for a walk and not miss a beat. This will be another opportunity to practice Grace.

A massive component to true wellness for me is Mental health. Being able to move makes a big difference in my daily outlook. When the lockdowns first started I really struggled with being home all the time with no alone time. I am an introvert for sure and all of my mental energy reserves were getting used up. I fell into a familiar but unhealthy pattern of putting myself last. I wasn’t making time to move and could feel myself getting resentful and depleted. In trying to do everything for everyone I was actually hurting both those I loved and myself because I wasn’t able to be the best version of me. The saying that you can’t drink from an empty well, rings so true, yet is so easy to forget.

So Health for me this year will in large part mean taking time to read, write, and ramble without guilt. I’ll need constant reminders and check ins but I believe my others goals will help keep this in check.

Candor – For me Candor is a combination of Awareness, Vulnerability and Open-Mindedness.

This goal is near and dear to me, and is mostly aimed at what I share here. I want to be fully committed to Candor. I believe myself to be a genuine and open person in general, but to really focus on the Candor piece will be interesting. There are always parts of us that we hide, either for fear of judgement or possibly internal shame.

I am hoping that in sharing, in being vulnerable, I can help others to share. Maybe see themselves in me or someone they love. I hope that in Candor, I can spark deep conversations and bring new perspectives. When you are able to be open and really be honest with yourself and others, you can grow in the most wonderful ways. Candor provide people the knowledge of where exactly they stand with you shows Integrity, which is a guiding Value for me.

As you can see each one of my Focus Values are closely tied to others as well as my CORE values. Being tied together helps with alignment, alignment bring with peace, and peace lends itself to fulfillment and happiness.

Doing the Journals daily or weekly will help maintain my focus and perspective. Am I solely working towards a goal or am I aligning my Values? Which will fulfill me more. I am hoping you will join me in Resetting a little bit differently this year. Going deeper into Goals, figuring out the Why behind them, the Values held within them.