Category: Health, Beauty & Fitness

Glasses for the Mind: Why I started taking an anti-anxiety medication.

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To say that 2025 has been a bit rough would be an understatement. The amount of emotional upheaval, unprecedented events, and just general shit is unreal. Every where we look is pain, cruelty, and greed. With many choosing to ostrich, sticking their heads in the sand to avoid looking at it too closely.

I have been resistant to trying any kind of mood or mental health medication for a really long time. I have tried several times, not once, not twice, but three times to get diagnosed with a neurodivergent status, either ADHD or autism or something because I never seemed to quite fit in this world. Never has anything come to fruition, whether it’s from years of masking or something else.

I am and have always been inherently sensitive. I can remember being in grade one and seeing Jane Goodall at the Jubilee auditorium, speaking about her time with the chimpanzees,; her experience, the poaching, the deforestation and the horrors that were happening at the time. I was crying, wailing, maybe even hysterical (as a 6 year old would be) and I remember this woman asking my mom if she could just shut me up; I turned to the lady and seethed – what is wrong with you, why aren’t you crying too?

I strongly believe that there are things in life that are unfair, like cancer or natural disasters but it’s our job to make things that should be fair, fair. (A future topic to dive into)

I feel deeply and that’s OK, my fear and hesitation to starting any kind of medication was because I think of my caring deeply, as a positive. Recently while walking with a good friend, I was reminded that one might even say it’s my superpower. It’s what helps me make genuine connections and what likely fuels my ‘high functioning anxiety’.

Why is it OK for people to say that I’m too much, that I care too much or I should stop thinking of others but I would never be able to say you’re not enough. Why is one considered rude and the other is fine. We live in a world where the reality is that far too often people would rather get away with doing as little as possible, while getting out as much as they can from a situation or another person; that’s not me.

My fear of starting any kind of medication was that I would lose a part of myself that I really love. I love that I care so much, and that I can feel all the feels, as inconvenient as it can be. Much to the chagrin of my mom, I have said that if there was more people like me in the world, we would be better off and I feel like that’s true. 

I believe that if everyone allowed themselves to be uncomfortable, to feel their feelings, to hold the feelings of others and to try and have compassion in difficult times, we would all benefit. It would be much harder to look the other way when we see injustice. The attitude of, violence is just the way it is, would no longer be accepted. The moving through pain to get on the other side with a deeper understanding of how to fix these large scale systemic issues would be possible. The long and short of it is it takes strength to feel.

I am not naive or self deluded enough to think that I have all or even any of the answers, but what I do know is when I’ve embraced discomfort I’ve gained resilience and clarity. I was worried I would lose that with medication, that I would be numb. 

So often when we talk about needing medication, it’s to fix a deficit one might have. As noted, I don’t see my caring as a lacking, but in March when I had a exceptionally tough day at work; I basically spent the entire day in intermittent tears and I woke up the next day feeling the same, I knew something needed to give. I scheduled an appointment for a week later with my GP to talk about options.

My doctor knows my reluctance to use medicine of any sort; I’m a get lots of sleep, drink litres of orange juice when you’re sick kind of girl. So when I brought up that I thought I needed something for anxiety, he asked if there was anything in my life I could change first. 

Could I quit my job? Could I get more help around the house? Could my kids be in less programs?

The answer was no, I’ve spent the last 6 years focused on learning and excelling in a new industry. We don’t have the extra income to pay for consistent help. I value my kids extra curricular activities and truth be told still habour some resentment around my own early specialization. So no, not a lot could change and I just needed to stop crying all the time.

The additional piece is the world – I value being informed and do not want to put blinders on to the world around me. The genocide in Gaza, the terror experienced by Jews around the world, school shootings, the removal of DE&I, the over turning of Roe vs Wade, and people recording/sharing executions online, these will not change easily or soon. Not to mention those in my home province wanting to separate from Canada, believing in lies that privatization makes things better but somehow not more expensive. These are all out of my control – my influence is limited, but my caring is not, so something needed to give.

My GP spent some time going over options, from fast acting, short term to longer, build up in your system more regular. Some that also were considered or combined with an anti depressant, which I didn’t think I needed because I’m not one to feel sad without reason.  I mean who wouldn’t be sad looking at where we are at. What I am or was is overwhelmed. 

I couldn’t get past the constant thoughts of why we are where we are; why was I willing to beat my head on a wall for people who could give two shits about anyone outside their ‘inner circle’; how people don’t see that systems are broken for most and good for few. Overwhelmed at the hypocrisy in the world. I watched a video recently with Simon Sinek talk about how everyone thinks of themselves as the good guy, even the villains. People don’t inherently want to be bad, it’s their values and unquestionable belief in them that has them seeing themselves as good. This is something I know but at times find hard to believe when actions are so opposite words, hence the overwhelm (you can see my overthinking here).

My mind is still going but what’s left is a feeling that I can handle it better. 

You know when you see someone public speaking and their whole neck, face and arms start going red because of nerves…even if you couldn’t see it on me, that’s how I felt a lot of the time. When I make even a small mistake, miss an email, have a typo, or any performance review – I feel the heat creep on my skin, I’d start sweating, the reaction is visceral. What my anti-anxiety meds have given me is the ability to stay laser focused in those moments.

Do I still get a pit in my stomach? Sure. But I also have the ability to think more clearly and articulate my thoughts without having my emotions come through as much. I can react to an issue immediately, and not just after the fact, to myself, when I’ve had time to think everything through.

I was worried when in the first couple of weeks I felt like I couldn’t cry. That just wouldn’t do; as long as I have lived crying has been cathartic. But after my body grew accustomed to the meds, took about a month, I found myself left with all the feels, clarity and tears at just the right moments (either overjoyed or sad).

I still don’t see anxiety as a deficit or something needed to be fixed because it’s not a lacking but an extra. Going on medication has felt like wearing glasses at night because of my astigmatism – it just clears up the glare.

Medication is not the right fit for everyone and might not be the right fit for you but one thing I have learned is that it doesn’t take anything away if you don’t let it. It has been a gift.

All of this to say, if you’ve ever considered medication, I would advocate engaging a professional. Talk to a counsellor or psychologist, learn about yourself, what you might want to lose or gain and about the medicinal/lifestyle options to help. The goal shouldn’t be to numb yourself but to discover what works for you to feel your feels and put goodness into action.

Because if we all our feels – the world could be better for it, I know mine is.

Let me know your thoughts or share your own journey below.

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But did you die… the feeling of Miscarrying

TW: Infant Loss/Miscarriage

This has taken me a couple months to process and be comfortable to share. 

This reel about sums up the experience the feeling of having a miscarriage.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFlxzGrSNrA/?igsh=MTZvd2x3MXA0c3c3ZQ==

I’ve had 3, so one might say I’m well versed in the lived experience.

I foolishly believed that 10 yrs between my last one and most recent one, with advocacy on Social Media for infant/pregnancy loss or just the hope that we grow as humans – my experience would be better.

It was not.

The thing about women is, we generally just still aren’t valued. There is so much talk and advocacy around abortions (the ‘Heartbeat’ law) but very little done yet for the woman.

My first miscarriage happened at about 8 weeks. We found out at the dating ultrasound that there was no electronic activity or ‘heartbeat’. We were told to go home until I started bleeding which happened about a week later. I spent over 10 hours in emergency only to be sent home to wait. Two days later on Oscar night, I ended up in the hospital.

My second miscarriage was between my oldest two kids, I skipped the dating ultrasound because it caused too much stress. During the 12 week scan, there was a heartbeat but something looked off so I needed to come back in a couple weeks. Anxious and alone in the room with the tech who went silent, I started crying when she excused herself to get the doctor, who upon arrival into the room, seeing me in tears said ‘I think you can guess what I’m going to say’ like WTF?

This last miscarriage I spotted a couple times the week before some heavier bleeding 🩸, having had two previous miscarriages I knew this wasn’t good. I called our provincial health line which advised I should go in to Urgent Care or the Hospital within 4 hours. Knowing that I’d likely sit for hours before receiving any care, I decided to wait overnight in hopes of being as in and out as possible. I have a negative blood type so for any miscarriages, births or potential mix of fluids from baby and my blood – I need something called Rhogam to not develop antibodies. Generally family doctors don’t carry this as it’s so specific.

So knowing it would be a long wait, I went to the recommended urgent care for opening to try and be as in/out, low maintenance as possible. The doctor required a urine test, which at 8 weeks and 3 hours/5 pees after waking up my urine was super diluted. He then said I would need a blood test to re-confirm my negative blood, fyi your blood type doesn’t change, before giving me my Rhogam shot. After drawing blood, took a couple hours after starting, I was moved to a hallway to wait, I waited a total of 5 hours after before needing to leave to pick up kids. I asked 3 times for updates, the nurses said they were still waiting, again shouldn’t have been needed because my blood type is in the AHS system. 

One change in our province is blood testing has gone to a private provider – the doctor said the typing expired after 6 months which was either a lie or true and allows for private care to get more business. Blood type does not change.

Later in the day I saw that my bloodwork results were loaded just after 11:00am – I did not leave til almost 3:00pm.

I called my GP in a panic and thankfully with an OB/GYN clinic in the unit below them, was able to go in for a Rhogam shot the next day.

Additionally, I was told to look at the HCG levels which should have been low if miscarried. The urgent care doctor was flippant, for lack of a better word, and was confident it would be below 25.

It was not.

My blood was still reading at the expected level for the gestation period. My doctor provided a requisition for more bloodwork and an ultrasound should the levels still not dip.

I had previously needed an emergency D&C with my other miscarriages, so my stress level was impossibly high. For those that don’t know, when miscarrying you are given the direction to go home and pass the tissue, only to go to the emergency room if you bleed through a pad in 20 min or less. So not until you are basically at risk of bleeding out.

So I go home, cramping and waiting to get more bloodwork to hope that maybe it’s cleared. I didn’t feel like I bled enough but maybe I missed something. I did have quite a few large clots. 

My pelvic area was beyond tender, it hurt to sit for weeks. Sharp stabbing pains and a dull ache the whole time.

Three days after Urgent Care and 2 after the Rhogam, I figured I had waited long enough to redo the bloodwork. So I scheduled a last minute early morning appointment on the Saturday and spent the rest of the day refreshing my Health portal for the results. 

They came in around 5:00pm – still no drop. 

Could it be an ectopic pregnancy? Could it be a Molar pregnancy? All I knew is that it meant I needed to call on Monday to try and get in for an ultrasound.

I called as soon as the booking opened and thankfully caught an emergency appointment that morning. These ultrasounds need a full bladder before emptying for an internal ultrasound- keep in mind the general pain in the area already. The scan was done quickly, the tech confirmed they didn’t see any residual tissue in my uterus (phew, no Molar) but couldn’t confirm about my fallopian tubes. A few hours later the report came back but with a note it couldn’t clear the potential of an ectopic pregnancy.

This meant another doctor’s appointment, thankfully could be done over the phone to request another bloodwork requisition to check HCG. 

We are now at a week post my urgent care visit. I still have to work, complete the volunteering, get my kids to all their programs and host a birthday party. 

I had some Mama friends I was comfortable sharing with, and some relief with hugs but I just couldn’t ask for help – they were all so busy themselves. I didn’t feel deserving of help because I failed, it was no big deal from the treatment of the medical professionals. Why would I bother my friends? 

It took over 2 weeks for my blood to drop in HCG – two weeks of immense stress and anxiety waiting for the extreme bleeding to start, for the potential loss of my fallopian tubes and for the pain to end. 

This doesn’t even factor in the grief over the potential baby that was wanted, the fetus that was hoped to grow. I was carrying as a surrogate for friends so there was an added feeling of failure. My body which had given me 3 healthy children, failed them. 

I had been open and honest about how I had two previous miscarriages but it doesn’t feel like that matters when there is a loss. I didn’t feel deserving to grieve a baby that wasn’t to be mine. 

Pregnancy loss or more so the process of what happens after loss is not laid out enough. I have seen lots of sympathetic posts or ones that bring awareness to that it happens but doesn’t get in the weeds.

It’s important to talk about all the details, traumatic, gruesome, bloody details so others can imagine what it might be like. So they can be moved to action to jump in with help or push for change in the care. Or to just not feel alone in the awfulness.

A friend that’s an emergency room nurse and I were talking – she recognized that she didn’t really appreciate what it’s like on the expecting/hopeful parent until some of her closer friends had gone through. Medically it’s not a baby when it’s at a certain stage, it’s a fetus so unlike a stillbirth or child it’s not the same. Fetuses that miscarry were mostly likely unviable, they would not be healthy births. This is true, but it doesn’t mean women don’t deserve proper care when experiencing one.

A miscarriage comes with the feeling of hope lost, the loss of potential, of failure, Of guilt, of what now, of what if it’s always like this, what did I do to cause this? 

I had to remind myself of a quote brought to me after my Dad passed and it was ‘Grief is just love with no place to go’. This hits home with miscarriages because it’s all the love you want to give that’s all of sudden trapped, with little knowing why.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, but I needed this outlet to release this. To vent about the care received and the loss.

If I can say one more thing – if you know someone that has shared with you they are experiencing a pregnancy loss, offer specific help. It’s hard to ask and impossible to know what you need but receding love always helps with healing. 

Maybe it’s bring a meal or sending an Uber eats card, maybe it’s flowers, or coffee or baking. Maybe it’s hugs, or giving rides to kids (offering not asking), or just saying I love you and you are good.

Even if they don’t take it – being given love is always what’s needed. 

TTFN

Health, Beauty & Fitness: How Do You Define These?

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To follow up on my previous post on how we confuse Health, Beauty & Fitness, using them as synonyms, I want to dive into defining each value. I started this post and have re-written it several times, so it is proving difficult to define these three things, so I’m going to roll with what I have and hopefully it will help prompt you with your own definitions.

Starting with Health.

As defined by the WHO (World Health Organization) – Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

This is a broad definition and we will need to pick it apart, so let’s try. If there is one thing we should be able to all agree upon it is that Healthy does not look the same on everybody. The last part of the WHO’s definition may be the only universal part of the definition, meaning that the absence of disease or infirmity (even though it only says Health is not just merely the absence of) is required to be considered Healthy, right?

Well not necessarily, it depends on who you talk to and where you do your researching. Even a quick google search leads to an endless list of resources from Wikipedia to the CDC, that lump together Infectious diseases, medical conditions (such asthma, allergies, lice, etc.) and even Psychological differentials.

Ok, so let’s go back further, in middle english the word disease means the ‘lack of ease’ or ‘inconvenience’ so the very word is extremely board and reaching.

The allergies and asthma I have had my entire life by the above definition would mean I am not considered Healthy. I now need glasses when using a screen due to my astigmatism and slight near sighted-ness, again not Healthy.

Another quick gander of research and you will uncover a slew of professional athletes in the prime of their careers and lives, that died of Heart Attacks. The one that always stuck with me and coloured my understanding of Heart Health was that of Sergei Grinkov, the two time Olympic skating champion that died at age 28, while practicing with his wife. It was discovered after his death that he had Heart Disease, that it ran in his family, his father had died four years prior of the same condition.

Genetic pre-dispositions are things that are completely out of our control, yet they affect our ability to be classified as truly Healthy and can unreasonably lead to judgement by others.

There are communicable diseases that we have created vaccines for such as Measels, Mumps and Rubella. Yet there is a strong contingent that believe taking a vaccine will render you un-Healthy, that if we just eat well, exercise, sleep enough you can beat these diseases.

There is no scientific proof that this is correct – COVID although worst for the elderly and those that have compromised immune systems still took the lives of those that appeared perfectly ‘Healthy’ although perhaps they had unknown genetic pre-dispositions, which without COVID would have been consider Healthy for a much longer time.

What about Narcissists? It is a personality disorder but I wouldn’t say it is inconvenient or creates lack of ease for the individual; they don’t know any better, in fact it enables people to completely ignore others wants and needs. Sounds pretty self serving and possibly even convenient. But is this Healthy? I am getting a bit off track.

This week the goal is to define Health, which includes Mental Health and to me that starts with the ability to accept yourself as you are, regardless of pre-dispositions or others’ opinions, perceptions, etc.

Is it Healthy to be so competitive that you will train yourself into exhaustion? That you control your diet to the extent that you weigh every meal, or count every calorie. Stressing over a missed workout, or maybe having a day, a week, a month of indulgences? Is a need for control Healthy? What toll does the goal of Physical Health take on our Mental Health.

Resiliency and Self Love are key to Mental Health, being able to feel safe, to be everything that you are, is required.

Without that safety, those that suffer from Mental Health concerns such as depression, anxiety, Autism, ADHD, Chromosomal disorders and other psychological disorders will always feel out of place and unable to access help for fear of judgement.

How do you view Health? Do you separate Physical and Mental Health? What, if anything, has the above made you rethink? What are some questions you can start asking yourself and others?

Now let’s explore Beauty.

Beauty shows up in so many different areas of our lives and in our society. From art, theatre, music, fashion, architecture, nature and humanity.

Beauty by definition, Oxford languages, is a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.

I remember reading the 1996 issue of People’s Sexiest Man Alive featuring Denzel Washington, I’m pretty sure it was that issue and timeline fits, as I remember reading it at the Orthodontist office. Any who, part of the article describes how we, as in humans, find symmetry to be beautiful. Denzel, has incredibly symmetrical features, eyes, nose, mouth, etc. It also showed other celebrities and the break down of of their features and the percentage of symmetry to people that found them ‘Beautiful’.

When looking at a piece of art, do you dissect it? Does the symmetry bias apply? Does how it makes you feel matter more?

Part of Beauty to me is how something makes you feel – like with a beautiful song, the emotions that a tune can stir within someone are incredible. Similar with a beautiful painting, we can’t always put into words what exactly we like but we can usually articulate how we feel when viewing it.

Seeing the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids of Giza, (privileges I have yet to experience but I can imagine), and the Louvre. What draws us to these and other monuments? The sheer size, maybe. The human feat of construction, probably. The feeling of wonder, awe and accomplishment of creating such Beauty, definitely.

I live in Alberta, close to the Rocky Mountains, and I never cease to be amazed when driving near Canmore all the way until past Revelstoke. The mountains, the terrain, the expansiveness is unreal. Even the prairies, the drive to Saskatoon with the ever popping up Canola fields with their yellow blooms, can be breathtaking. Similarly the ocean and all the wondrous unknown that it holds has colours and beauty that is hard to describe. Bioluminescence anyone?

How is it when we apply the concept of beauty to fellow Humans we start with a list of desirable characteristics instead of that same feeling?

Slim bodies, hard bodies, tone bodies, big boobs, small waist, peachy bum, long eyelashes, nails done (fake or real), clothes on point, tall but not too tall, short but not too short, justtttt right.

How do you view Beauty in your life? How does you perception of beauty apply or affect how you live your life? Where would you rank Beauty as a value?

Lastly let’s define Fitness.

Well interestingly but not surprisingly there are several different ways to apply the term Fitness – I like the Oxford languages, because they are easy to find and provide options so here is what comes up when we look at Fitness –

  1. the condition of being physically fit and healthy.”disease and lack of fitness are closely related”
  2. the quality of being suitable to fulfill a particular role or task.”he had a year in which to establish his fitness for the office”
  3. BIOLOGY: an organism’s ability to survive and reproduce in a particular environment.plural noun: fitnesses“if sharp teeth increase fitness, then genes causing teeth to be sharp will increase in frequency

If those aren’t some mind f*cks (pardon the language) than I don’t know.

Fitness, as in being physically fit and healthy, is interesting because it goes right into the concept of disease that we looked at earlier in this post and have determined that it’s really hard to narrow people down to the one piece.

Again a reminder of all the Elite athletes that have been found to suffer from pre-dispositions. The other factor I want to bring into this arena is the idea of performance enhancing drugs and the sheer number of high performance athletes found to be using them.

Would this fit into disease? According to many it would. The argument that addiction is a desire for connection, which I can accept and wrap my head around at times does not apply in this instance; the use of performance drugs is not for connection it is to get a leg up. This then would fall into the category of disease for me, because the idea of taking them is to separate yourself from peers not join in with them.

What would be your acceptable Physical Fitness level in your life? Keep in mind, I will dive into the societal and bigger picture of why we stay fit in the next post. What I want right now is for you to define what Physical Fitness looks like to you.

Is it the ability to walk up stairs without losing your breath? Is it being able to run 10km? A marathon? Is it being able to lift your kids/grandkids into seats. Is it being able to attend a yoga class and not be sore for a week after? Define what Physical Fitness is for you.

Now here is where my mind got a little f*ed – I hadn’t even thought of Fitness in terms of our roles within organizations and social structure but it’s there.

As mentioned above I really want to dive into this next week but my thoughts on this level of Fitness, or more so the question to pose here is have you ever had bias of ‘Fitness’? Meaning have you written off candidates for jobs due to the clothes someone is wearing or their appearance? Have you written off someone because of their weight or body shape? Have you thought someone might not be a fit because of their background?

I remember my friend’s Dad once told me that I would never be able to run a half marathon, we were watching his daughter (whom is crazy talented runner), run one of her first races. I think I was 22/23 years old at the time and thought that he was right, in that I couldn’t run the way she did. She is the human embodiment of a Gazelle, but, I could (and subsequently have) run a Half Marathon.

His perception was based on bias, and the man in particular is one of the kindest people I know so I really don’t think he meant offence, he was just being what he thought was honest and supportive of his child.

When I read this post to my partner he mentioned that this second definition was the one he most thought to when considering Fitness, whereas to me it was the least. Perhaps it’s because I accept that there are things that not everyone is capable of but that doesn’t mean they aren’t ‘Fit’ in the overall sense. Where he views it as a task specific definition. Do you view Fitness as task specific or general, broad term? Or maybe both, because as I said not everyone can do anything. That doesn’t make them less valuable just not the ‘Fit’ for a certain thing. Does viewing it as a task only definition lead to more bias and prejudice? Thoughts?

So let’s look at the last part, the Biology, ‘an organisms ability to survive and reproduce in a particular environment’.

Survive, not thrive being the goal but also reproduce, does this mean anyone that has trouble reproducing may not be considered Fit from a biological stand point? Given that 1 in every 8 couples struggle with conception, I am really hoping not. There are many individuals that may not be able to conceive themselves yet are amazingly Fit and vice versa lots of people conceive that many would not consider Fit.

What about Mental Fitness? What would one consider Mentally fit? Does one need to experience trauma to prove their ability to be mentally fit? Does trauma help build our mental fitness or hurt it?

Are you familiar with the saying ‘God only gives you that which you can handle.’? But why? And why are some more capable than others? Is this something you consider when thinking of Fitness.

Again the importance is to recognize each individuals definition of the concept of Fitness differs. That these definitions should be challenged and are not one size fits all. I would hazard a guess that those who devote a lot of their time and energy to physical activity are doing so to more than merely survive. They do so to thrive and feel as though they are making the most of their physical bodies. Are they taking the same level of care of the Mental Fitness?

I said it at the start and I will say again that even defining these was going to be hard. If you think you have some concrete ideas please share, share even half baked ones.

Next week will probably be an extra long one, or I might even break it into two. What I hope to do is connect the dots, to show how these are made to inter connect within our social structure (I mean just look at the WHO’s definition or Health).

I will also hopefully help with the connection, understanding of how we prioritize these in our lives (so ya, definitely at least two posts). I aim to provide ways to draw inward to reflect and be honest, learning to align your values with how you live in the world. Whoa! That’s some big stuff so you know don’t get your hope too high, it will promise to be ranty as ever and possibly even more so than usual.

Until then… send me a note let me know what you think? Questions, etc.