I have written and re-written this post so many times in the last three weeks that I am saying F*ck it and here goes my thoughts in one shot – so bear with me, there will be no double checking, no editing just pure rambling goodness.

In my last post I mentioned that the biggest thing jealously takes away from us is the ability to be grateful.

But why is being grateful so important in the first place?

It’s important because it is a fundamental building block to joy and happiness. I mean think about it, when you are feeling really awesome, and I mean good, really good – do you most often then not, think – how lucky am I? How great is this? I am thankful, I am grateful.

I know I do – I have been fortunate enough to have a lot of amazing people in my life. Each of my friends brings a different flavor, spice and support that I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for them. When I have a rough day, whether it’s beating myself up for something, just feeling blue or having something not great happen – I stop and I think of a few select people and say thanks to the universe for giving them to me.

And every time I take a moment to spend time on gratitude – I fill my cup, I feel more focused and more resilient.

When we spend too much time wallowing, or allowing ourselves to focus on the negative, we lose perspective, we lose sight of the positive. In losing sight of the positive, we lose our joy and happiness. Now I’m not saying don’t be a realist, because I am 100% one of those. What I am saying is that even when things are awful or feel totally out of control or lost, there is something or someone to be grateful for. It might be from the present, it might be from the past but every one of us has something we can be grateful for.

I wanted to write about this because I had a good conversation about my triangle peg in a round and square world post. The person I was speaking with understood how I felt and had similar struggles, they said focusing on gratitude helped. It took some time but it made me realize that part of me can often get too wrapped up in how things ‘should’ be and because of this I am not grateful for how things are.

Now you can’t be grateful for every situation but I applied this line of thinking to a few monumental failures in my life and think that had I been able to re-frame them it’s possible that I could ‘let things go’.

One such thing was my marriage, I allowed myself to get so bogged down by the seeming disparity that I wasn’t able to appreciate my husband at the time. By all means we did not have a perfect relationship but I do think that had my focus been on shared memories, good times and gratefulness then we could have had more time to work through our other areas needing improvement.

I know gratitude makes a difference because in my current relationship, we both make a point of saying thank you or showing appreciation in ways the other can receive them. I am not a words person, I think it’s easy to say thank you but showing someone you are grateful and making sure your actions match your feelings means more. I am a better partner now then I was in my previous marriage because I learned so much about myself and although it was the hardest, saddest thing to go through I am grateful because I am better for it.

I have also seen a difference when I am at work. When I have been lucky enough to be on a team where each member can appreciate each other as individuals and be grateful for what each person brings to the team, is when I have felt the most success.

On the flip side, when I have allowed myself to dwell on what is going wrong or not feeling appreciated I lose my own gratitude for my work. I let myself lose focus of the good. What others will say to me is to ‘let it go’ and this doesn’t work for me because as I have said before, I care a lot or too much but what I think I need to remember next time is to focus on what I have to be grateful for.

Nothing is perfect, not everything is awesome, sometimes nothing seems even good but as I said before there is something; there is always something past or present where you can find gratitude, and in that something you can invent resilience.

I was having a conversation recently with a long time friend surrounding jealousy. She made a comment that she shouldn’t feel jealous, I had to stop her and say it’s totally ok to feel jealousy. She said however that she had recently come to a realization that her own jealousy had in the past stopped her from celebrating others.

This made me think that there are different ways to be jealous and to deal with jealously. I, myself, am jealous often – I am a dreamer, hopeful, and a realist and in that combo most times I can see others, be jealous, envy what they have, or have accomplished but can do so with the reality that their success or good fortune doesn’t take away from mine.

Others can not. That is where jealousy or envy can go wrong.

This friend of mine is an accomplished runner, like super fast and I admire her for it. I am jealous that she has help to watch her kids to go on long runs, I wish I was built like her so I could be even slightly be capable of what she is, but the reality is that she works her butt off and makes other sacrifices for something she loves. She is motivated, driven and exceptional – I can not begrudge her for that. She has earned her amazing times and fitness level. The reality is I am motivated but not nearly as much as she is in this goal.

Well, you might say what about people that are lucky in life. I mean truly lucky, as I do believe there are some out there that have few struggles. They are born into privilege, natural intelligent, physically gifted, etc. What about those people? You can begrudge those, right?

Nope, and why not? Because what others have doesn’t take away from me or you.

Sure, there are times my lesser self has (and might still) feel unhealthy envy but I can snap out of it by reminding myself that this persons’ happiness, luck, accomplishments have nothing to do with me and if they do than being happy for someone else is a much better feeling than begrudging.

But it’s ok to be jealous, to wish that you had an easier day. To be jealous that your family isn’t as close as others or that they have both parents or went on vacations every year or live in a nice house. It’s ok to be jealous because it’s a natural feeling, it’s an emotion and it can’t necessarily be controlled.

What can be controlled is how you react to your jealousy (maybe not in the moment, but long term). Do you allow it to lessen your own accomplishments? Do you allow it to be an excuse to hurt others? Do you allow it to prevent you from making connections?

This are where jealously and envy are not ok.

I think where we as humans fail sometimes is that we forget that we are human, we are flawed. Jealously is a flaw, an uncomfortable feeling but it’s natural. I think we are conditioned to believe that all flaws should be pushed down, and ignored but in doing so it actually exacerbates them. If we aren’t able to be honest and open about our weaknesses than we deflect and aren’t able to grow.

If you push down your feelings than your reaction or treatment of others is skewed. You might not consciously notice it but you end up being a hurtful or spiteful person. Whereas owning the feeling, looking at it, allows you to do a few things, all positive or healthy. You can choose to celebrate the event, person, etc. (that one might be tough), you can choose to let it go and be grateful for your own successes/good things, etc. , or you can choose to set a goal for yourself to get you where your perceived inequality is.

I believe that to be able to get over jealously you need to be able to understand and accept yourself. Accept what/who you are, what you value and what you are or are not capable or willing to do.

I’ll never forget watching my friend run her second half marathon (might have been first even) with her dad and I mentioned how impressed I was with her. He said to me that I would never be able to do that. Now this man is one of the most wonderful humans I have ever met, so what he said might seem harsh but I think he was just being a) proud of his daughter and b) being realistic, I would never be that fast. My response to that was to sign up for a half marathon the following year, my goal was no where near my friend’s time (because that would be silly for me) but was to finish without walking and with my own goal time (about 40 min longer than her at the time, best time). I felt so good when I accomplished my goal and I feel just as good watching my friend consistently crush hers.

The biggest thing jealousy takes away from us is the ability to be grateful. Grateful for what we have, what we ourselves are capable of and what our potential is.

Getting wrapped up in it and not reflecting inwards will end negatively. I mentioned in my last post that I have been reading some of Mark Manson’s works, he had a great article recently on understanding values, I’ll put a link at the bottom. In it he asks you to look at your values, question them, change them if needed and know yourself – at least that was my takeaway.

I believe it applies to this topic because having a greater sense of self and your own values will only help in knowing where to put your energy. As the article states, and I agree, we often think we value things that we don’t and this can also lead to jealously.

An example of something that has made me jealous recently is those that have freedom around work. Specifically those that can work tons of hours and/or make a high income. Not working a steady job right now has pushed me to an edge of stress and unhappiness.

So I have felt jealous of all those that make enough money to afford childcare for their kids and work, or those who have spouses that make enough money so they can stay home and still do activities and vacations and everything or those that have no responsibilities…. yada yada yada, spiral, spiral, spiral and snap!

See the negative thoughts that can happen – when I focus, I remind myself that I made the choice to leave my position, rightly or wrongly and I need to make the best of it. I made the choice to put my family and my integrity first. I remind myself that other’s successes (higher salary/good hours) are because they have earned those rewards, maybe they work really long hours, they probably worked harder at school, they make their choices based on their values. I remind myself that support systems can be built and that mine is pretty good. My choices were made on the values I have or had at the time and that it was the best I could do. That things will work out, it just might take time. That what others have is based on their values and mine do not need to be the same.

I have a good life, I have good people in my life, wonderful kids and if I want my life to be different I can change it. Ok, well maybe I’m not going to be running any sub 3 hour marathons but I can be the best version of me with my values.

A thought, don’t hate the smartest person in the room, or the one with most talent or the luckiest, think of this – love people are ‘more’ than you. Those are the people you can learn the most from, good or bad. I have this crazy notion that being close to awesomeness will rub off on me. Kinda like in junior high when all my friends were 2-3 inches taller and beautiful, little squat me thought I was pretty and cool by association.

So that’s my starter thoughts on jealousy – I didn’t want to dive into the jealously in a relationship topic this round but another time. Instead I hope this helps in learning how to refocus your thinking when feeling jealous and remember that it’s ok to be jealous, just don’t let it stop you from being the best version of yourself.

Link to Mark Manson post below –

https://markmanson.net/personal-values

I missed a week of posting because I didn’t know how to write this one, I kept getting upset and overwhelmed, or slightly self-indulgent and not objective. I still cried my way through writing the better part of this but I’m giving it my best shot so here goes.

I recently decided to get some help with figuring out what next, and I wasn’t sure where to start. My reasoning behind it was that I just, have never fit – not anywhere or at least not for long. I am often described as high energy or ‘too’ much. I care too much, my expectations are too high, I’m too loud, too busy, etc. etc.

So I decided to get tested for ADD/ADHD, Cognitive behavioural functions and disorders. I am very logical and I like to think I am reasonable person. After reading about how ADD/ADHD presents itself in girls I thought that sounded like it could be me or at least some of the struggles resonated. However the biggest push to get assessed was that I wanted something to be clinical or fixable because I so often feel like the odd man out.

I struggle with relationships, and it often comes back to me being the problem. When I was struggling at my last job, I decided to look at it as a problem to be solved – so I set upon the task of showing how we could make changes so that both parties would be set up to succeed, at least that’s how I looked at it. My mom’s first reaction when I told her my plan was to say maybe I need to be medicated. And the reaction from those involved or reading my proposal was thanks but no thanks, I was just the problem, I needed to ‘get along’. So much so that three months after leaving they took my solution and have made changes but are searching for someone to fill the position I was hoping for.

I don’t know why but I have a hard time just getting along and as much as I try, I fail.
It could be that doing your best, pushing others to be their best, wanting the best is more important than getting along to me. The thing is, although I’m not unreasonable if I ask for specifics about the situation that caused a rift or where others feel I have wronged them, I more often than not don’t see the problem. That or I don’t think I am wrong in my action or reaction so the problem is just me; it’s how I see things or my values, my beliefs and inflexibility in them. I am inflexible in things I am passionate about, it just so happens I have a lot of passion.

I’ll often hear, it’s not what you said but how you said it. As mentioned in my last post, I’m always blown away by this. What I said should matter, if there is value in what I am saying, it should matter. If I seem frustrated maybe listen to what I am saying because it will explain why I am upset and maybe my reaction is warranted. If there isn’t value in what I’m saying than ignore me and blow it off. If my reaction isn’t warranted then please tell me or if I am wrong, misinformed; take the time and let me know. I don’t walk around looking for ways to ruin people’s day, or make them feel bad or inadequate. I don’t want to stop learning or know what’s best, I know I’m not perfect – help me learn.

So this is what brought me to getting assessed – I was convinced that there had to be something to explain me or that I could get help. What I learned was that there is nothing. I tested at average or above for everything except self-worth and self-esteem. I am slightly hyper but have no attention deficit at all, I actually have very good attention. I’m not bi-polar, I’m not depressed, I am sensitive and I am direct.

So what is my problem? I am a triangle peg in a round and square world. If I try to fit either shape, I have to shave off or hid bits of myself or turn myself sideways and only really half fit. That’s how I feel – it can be lonely and scary. I really don’t know where to go or how to succeed.

I’m currently reading ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck’ by Mark Manson. My ex and kids gave this to me as a Christmas gift in hopes of it helping me figure some stuff out. I’m not all the way through so I’ll have to come back after I’m done to comment again but so far it’s interesting but not all helpful. He talks about having a finite amount if F’s to give – and although I think the concept is healthy, the fact is I don’t know how to just not to give an F, or, I try, and it makes it worse because I think more about what I’m trying not to care about.

The attempt is to say that there are things that matter and things that don’t. I’m the person that a lot of things matter to them. I’m someone that some things are right and some things are wrong – there is no gray. That doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy or compassion but that there is right and there is wrong, so some or lots of things just matter.

An example is that a few weeks ago my daughter was getting off the bus, when I could see that two boys were fighting in the back of the bus; they were genuinely laying into each other. So I stepped onto the bus (which now I know, didn’t before, is against the rules and will not do again) and said to the kids, voice raised – “Boys, is this appropriate? Get in your seats. I’m getting calls from the Vice-Principal that this bus is out of control. Stop fighting and keep your hands to yourselves. Got it’. My thought process was that if my kid was getting beat up or fighting on the bus, I would want an adult to step in, and not necessarily call the office because it would be too late to stop them from getting hurt and that might result in them getting in more trouble or even suspended from the bus. The bus driver is sweet and his job is hard, maybe he feels its at stake if he says the wrong thing or maybe there is another reason he is uncomfortable, or maybe he has tried. Anyway the behaviour was wrong and needed to stop so I did what I thought would help.

The reaction of the first two people I told this story too, was to tell me how wrong it was for me to do that. I should have kept my nose out of it, that it wasn’t my business. In all fairness the first person knows more school rules and was probably just trying to warn me I might be in trouble, but my thing was it was the right thing to do. Now if it were strangers on the street, adult strangers or teenagers that could hurt me or retaliate maybe I wouldn’t have been so brazen but I would seek help. I want to live in a world where it’s ok to call out what’s wrong – and this unfortunately makes me the odd man out a lot. I felt awful for days and didn’t feel better until I confessed to the principal that I did this, she told me the rules to which I will now follow.

The thing I get caught up in, is when not fitting in, or being told that I need to let things go. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and as I have already mentioned apparently there isn’t. I wanted to write this because I know my sister doesn’t 100% believe this, in fact she said when I told her that my assessment came back with nothing that I should check the credentials of the psychologist and the tests. So even in my own my family I’m the triangle among the squares and circles.

This feeling with my family has been duplicated with relationships outside, friendships, romantic, work or otherwise. When I have bad days or more so when someone hits a spot that matches a hurtful thing others have said to me, or a weakness, or something I am actively trying to work on, even from years past, I start to beat myself up. I’ll focus on the fact that they must be right, because this person thought so too or I should be better. That my parts of my family, those closest to me believe I should be medicated so I can stop caring, and my response which is that medication won’t make someone more competent, or another person less of an asshole, falls on deaf ears so it’s again that I’m the problem.

I don’t believe we can control our feelings, we can try to put perspective on a situation but ultimately how we feel is how we feel. I often feel I have an expiry date to how long people will tolerate me for. That the longer I know someone, or more so, the more they get to know me the less likely they are to like me or love me; this feeling contributed to my lack of trust and the failure of my first marriage.

I do say I’m a ‘Love me or Hate me’ person, there are a few people that have always been great supporters and have made me feel valued. It’s not that they don’t call me out when I’m over the top but they do accept me as I am, unconditionally. I have learned to say I am hard to get to know and accept that I am tough for some to ever really know.

For a long time I tried to morph, and I tried to hide or I tried to not care but that hurt me too because I was always trying to be something I’m not. I want to say that I believe in medication for those that need it. I have heard from so many that it saved their lives and helped them be the best version of themselves. I do think there are people that medication isn’t going to help, people like me that are just triangles in the round and square world. For us, we need to invent our resiliency, be ok with being different – find focus in our sense of self, our successes, our strengths and continue to work on being the best version of yourself.

So I am going to work on accepting my odd shape and focus on opportunities or possibilities where I can be accepted even with my pointy bits. I wanted to write about this although as always it feels not quite finished but hopefully it give some perspective. Those that appear confident might be often crying when alone. That those down one minute and positive the next might be just trying to find a bright spot. That because someone seems strong doesn’t mean they aren’t hurt or injured when you aren’t fair to them.

I never know how to end but thought of this – I know life isn’t fair, but it really should be whenever possible. The things about life that aren’t fair should be natural disasters, cancer or loss of loved ones; they shouldn’t be caused by others or how we treat each other as fellow humans. Be kind to triangles, circles and squares since we are all here doing our best.

Thanks for reading.

I had two topics I wanted to talk about this week and I wondered where to start – to me it was essential to understand that the difference between constructive and just plain negative criticism before broaching the other topic so here is my attempt. I will pre-warn that this is ranty, jumps around and I kinda go all over the place but I’ve had a long (although technically short) week so here goes:

I would like everyone to take a minute and think about what they believe the difference between constructive and negative criticism is. Hopefully everyone has had the opportunity to experience both, even if they don’t think they have. The reason I added that last part is that in my experience there is a large number of people that can’t tell the difference, so when they give or receive critiques/criticism/feedback they always take it negatively. They are not able to separate the constructive part from the negative feelings. Often these are also the individuals that can also not give constructive criticism either as they deliver negative criticism instead.

To be able to take and give feedback or criticism objectively you first must be able to separate the person from the action. This can be very difficult as many believe and it can be said that we are all the sum of our actions. I would debate that although that is not untrue, we are human and humans a flawed creatures; ones that can and must learn from their errors. Being able to focus on the action vs the person shifts from it being a personal problem to a specific behavioral one. Behavior is something that most people have a semblance of control over, where as, who someone is, is innate and hard to change. Think of those that do not have complete control over their every behavior, whether it is a OCD/ADD/ADHD or something else, they would benefit from focusing on the what vs the who because it allows a separation between the individual and action. That way if someone is frustrated, confused, hurt by an action they know it’s not necessarily the intent of the person.

I know it’s hard not to take things personal and hard not to make things personal when you are having a difficult conversation, I get that, that’s why they are referred as difficult conversations. Let me start with making things personal, often when we are giving criticism it’s because we are wanting something to change, whether it’s in a relationship, at work or maybe even ourselves. In a relationship, it might be that we are setting boundaries, at work maybe it’s that you need a more reliable team member and in ourselves it might be that we see someone that has something we don’t or that we are judging them for something that differs from our own belief.

You can see that the common denominator is you need or want something so it’s personal. The thing is that for criticism to be constructive it has to be about the other person, and it has to be specific and changeable. It has to signal out specific actions that need to or could benefit from change. I’ll use my example of a reliable team member, it might be uncomfortable to approach someone that is late, the first time for sure but the second time they are late, they show a disrespect for the workplace. Now my thoughts are that maybe they don’t realize the affect of being late, maybe to them 5 min is a minor thing and the trickle down affect doesn’t hit them. Negative criticism would be to either ignore it (because this will inevitably lead to insurmountable frustration when the behavior continues) or to say something simple like I hate it when you’re late. The wording is geared towards the person and yourself vs the action so unlikely to achieve change.

When we provide criticism for something that is a personal choice and we are judging someone, this is always negative… let me say that one more time… this is always negative. There is no benefit in imparting your judgement on another person. If you have a difference of opinion on how they live their life than you can choose to either accept them or not have them as part of your life but keeping them around and criticizing them is no good for you or them.

This doesn’t mean not having a debate on opinions, anyone that knows me knows I am always up for debate, and I value people sharing theirs. What it does mean is that if you feel like a person’s opinion or action is who they are and it doesn’t line up with what you need, want or respect, you have two choices – either try to give specific constructive feedback and set relationship boundaries or choose to disassociate. At work we don’t always have the option of not having someone in our life, this is why it is crucial to learn how to give and receive specific constructive feedback.

Another thing that needs to be said is that it never feels good to do wrong, it sucks. I know whenever I make a mistake or have been called out on doing something wrong, or make someone feel bad, I feel stupid, I feel uncomfortable and sometimes a bit worthless. It’s natural to not want to make or accept the mistakes we have made. I believe for some it’s instinctive to either lash out or deflect and believe it is the person providing the criticism who has the problem not them. That comes from a self preservation instinct and ego, that to admit a flaw or wrongdoing would unravel your entire ego or ability to do anything. The first reaction, the one that is to feel shitty or that it sucks is fair, but the second one is not ok.

When one lashes out they will often say, it’s not what you said it’s how you said it. I would really encourage everyone to stop and think of that. Is it really more important how something is said or what is said. Yes, I acknowledge tone can be important, absolutely, it can set the literal tone of a conversation however the words and what is said should be so much more important. Why? Because tone is reflexive, it’s not easily controlled. Words and what is said is something that can be and is generally more thought out. Words hold more meaning because they infer thought vs. straight emotion and as mentioned previously we are human and are flawed, reactions are flawed.

Let me give you an example, I had a conversation with someone that was trying to give me their version of ‘constructive feedback’, they were super calm, their voice was soft and warm but what they said was ‘You need to work on your energy.’ I asked how do you mean?, ‘When you walk into a room everyone knows you’re there. You’re the first person to raise your hand’ ok, and ‘And sometimes when you leave a room I just feel exhausted’. I just looked at them and was confused as to how or why any of those statements would be constructive. She was saying this as part of things I needed to work on for my work performance, my energy was a weakness that she identified. So the tone was really ‘good’ however she was basically telling me she just didn’t like me, or more so my ‘energy’. See the words were not ok, the were not constructive, they were negative and very personal.

I have spent a lot of time thinking of how I took this particular feedback and tried to find a way to make it constructive as I walked out of the meeting feeling like the person really just didn’t like me. That they weren’t able to give concrete examples of actions but it was a feeling and the feeling about me was just dislike. That’s ok, not everyone needs to like everyone or in this case me but it’s a good example for this purpose.

I like to think, it’s possible I may have felt the same regardless, but that if she had said it this way – ‘You have lots of energy, the thing is, your energy can feel overpowering and sometimes intimidating. In meetings you are excited, if you could make sure that others also are able to share, like count to 10 before answering. Also I am not the same as you, I sometimes get overwhelmed when we talk so I might ask for a break or time out it’s so I can be prepared for you.’

It sill would have got the essential points and concerns out which were that I am high energy, high energy can be good and bad, it can stifle others and that it can be exhausting to be around but it would be in a way where specific behaviors and strategies on how to better the behavior are presented. The thing about this example is that it comes down to what I said about judging someone that’s not like you, so it’s hard to make it constructive. This person because of my interactions with them, I believe just doesn’t like me, there isn’t a connection and they couldn’t be specific in examples because it was just a feeling not a specific action they didn’t like.

Another example would be forever my conversations with my mother and sister, neither see it ever. There is more recent examples I’ll bring up next week as it relates more to that, but there are two instances that always come to mind – one is with my sister whom was home for Christmas. I had just woken up and saw her for the first time in about 4 months and the first thing out of her mouth, I kid you not, was ‘You’ve gained weight’ not hello, not good morning, ‘You’ve gained weight’. Fair enough I had, but what could be gained from pointing out that I had put on a few?

The second one is an example from my mom – about 6 months after having my first baby I purchased a skirt that was one size bigger than my pre-baby size but I was happy because, a) I liked the skirt and b) It meant I was getting closer to pre-baby weight. My mom said to me and again this is first thing ‘Does buying things make you feel better about yourself?’ – my only response was ‘Does making others feel bad make you feel better about yourself?’ To which she replied ‘Well I’m glad you have such good self-esteem you don’t need to.’ These are two examples of pretty obvious negative criticisms but the things is neither person delivering it saw it. Just like example at work, the person genuinely didn’t see anything wrong with what was said.

Now I feel like I might have a ton of examples of negative vs constructive because I am a blunt person so those around me feel like they can be liberal in their critiques. Like because I am open and honest then I should be able to take it too. The thing is, when I am having a conversation with someone that I would classify as critical I take great care in being constructive. I am blunt when speaking an opinion or asking for an action to stop, not I feel like I am criticizing who a person is. I also do not like ‘Sandwich’ criticism either, I don’t really believe that is constructive because too often it whitewashes the negative behavior.

An example for me, would be I worked at a customer service desk and I had a staff member that used to rest their feet up on the desk, so picture someone leaning back in a chair, feet up when you approach. My bluntness would be to say ‘So and So, get you feet of the desk’ and I freely admit I said this. I remember the staff saying that I hurt their feelings saying that, especially in front of their peers. I looked at them and said, ‘I said it in front of everyone else because they too should have told you to put your feet down. I didn’t say you are a bad staff or a bad person or dumb, what I said was put your feet down because it’s not appropriate at work, it makes you look unapproachable and disengaged.’

Had I used the ‘Sandwich’, it would sound like this, ‘Hey So and So, I know the chairs can be uncomfortable and ‘insert compliment’ like you are really good are greeting customers but can you please make sure you don’t put your feet on the desk? It looks unprofessional and really doesn’t make you look approachable. Thanks.’ The thing with the ‘Sandwich’ is that is put equal focus on what the person is doing well (even if it’s not timely or deserved) and the action you want stopped, this minimizes the constructive part of the feedback and it can be lost. The truth of it is, the staff member felt stupid when I was direct, because their actions were stupid. They really should have thought before putting their feet up, just like we should consider the affect on others when we are late or inconsiderate. There is no positive way of telling someone what they are doing is wrong but again focusing on the action vs the person the most important thing.

I want to say that I am not perfect and could use plenty of constructive feedback, my hope is to offer a perspective from a blunt person on what constructive means. Sugar coating is not constructive, I actually find it belittling and it makes me wary to trust the person giving feedback. I also again implore everyone to work on empathy, so know your audience when providing criticism. I naturally am what I am but have learned to soften my words or pull people aside if they let me know they are nervous. And last but definitely not least think about why you are criticizing someone, is it because they can grow from it, become better or is it because you want something or don’t like something.

As warned I jumped around a lot in this and am a bit jumbled. I also didn’t delve a lot into positive feedback or when Sandwich’ing’ might be ok, that will be a whole other post. I am hoping that when I review these (all posts) in 6 months to a year I can be more centered and focused on each topic but for now lots of ramblings. In the meantime, thank you for reading and please share your thoughts, comments and share away.