Subtle, Not So Subtle Messaging: How the way we Market to Girls shapes our Views and Values

This week I was in the Gap, which is usually my favourite kids store to shop because generally the quality is good (meaning makes it to hand-me-downs) and you can get some good deals. I was struck this week because there were some even more awesome that usual graphic tees, and on sale to boot. The thing is, all the good T-shirts, and by good I mean the messaging on the shirts were in the Boys sections.

They had awesome shirts themed around Science, things like the Water Cycle, Volcanoes and Planets. There were also Sharks, Skateboarding and Sports… all of which existed only in the Boys section.

I headed over to the Girls section and the themes were considerably different. There were centered around Kindness, and taking care of the Earth and Others.

I have two Boys and one Girl, so I have the benefit of having to look around different sections to see all the variations of shirts. If you only had Girls you might only, probably would, only think to go to the one section. I mean after all we have made progress right? So there should be good options there. And look at least now we are telling Girls to be kind to each other.

It was such a stark contrast that I honestly can’t believe I never noticed before, but I know makes an impact. One example is in a meeting at work recently, we found ourselves talking about how do we elevate, and keep women in the male dominated industry in which I work. I had to say that maybe it’s time we stop being nice about it. Meaning stop holding ourselves back and call people out when they are sexist, racist, or prejudice in any way – call them out bluntly, not nicely. If we as women only ask nicely and seek to be kind, we won’t see change.

So this messaging of Kindness being only targeted at Girls, you might see how it more than irked me. Why aren’t companies working to target boys too? Why aren’t there plenty of Boys shirts promoting equality and kindness? Taking care of others or the Earth. Is this not the job of Boys and Men too?

One can argue that it’s not a company’s responsibility to teach kindness, or get kids interested in sports or science. They would be right, that’s our job, as parents, but when all kids’ see are messages sending them one way, it can be hard for us parents to course correct.

It might seem like this is harmless but I truly see the connection between how we raise girls and women to be caregivers and nurturers, while we encourage boys to just be boys. When I first heard about an all Boys school being a bonus by a friend, one of the selling points they listed was potential beds or cots for boys to nap on in the hallway if they needed a break. That Boys could be more free to horse around, talk out of turn and expend their energy. The all Girls school by contrast list the following points – focuses an understanding of the lived experience of women in local, national and global cultures, an interest in curriculum that highlights how women contribute meaningfully to our society and lead change. (see links below to example outlines from the CBE).

https://cbe.ab.ca/programs/program-options/teaching-philosopy/Pages/Alice-Jamieson-Girls-Academy.aspx

https://cbe.ab.ca/programs/program-options/teaching-philosopy/Pages/All-Boys.aspx

Where I struggle is that if we are only teaching girls to respect their bodies, to gain self confidence away from boys, to deconstruct the social norms (which are upheld by our Patriarchal society) – than what good are we doing? Why is this mandate not in an All Boys school? In my experience people with power do not easily give it up. If we are teaching one sex that their need for movement breaks, curiosity and they hold value just for as they are – without also teaching cooperation, the value of the opposite sex, the social construct of gender, we are going to get nowhere.

To add salt to my already inflamed feminist wounds ,this week – a friend posted an image of an ad her teenage daughter received from the clothing company, Garage, a subsidiary of the Dynamite Groupe. From their aesthetic of which is walking into a literal garage, to the clothing (not work wear) and the price point, it is most often shopped and targeted to the Teen and even the Tween demographic. So imagine my horror when I see the below –

Now call me an old lady, or prude if you would like, which those that know me would probably disagree, but I take issue with the focal point of an ad saying SEND NUDES. One that is specifically meant for women and girls, as they do not sell Men’s clothing. I get the idea is meant to be cheeky, as in Nudes, meaning nude clothing options, which they offer a variety of of tones (great), but the suggestive photos and the normalizing of the request to SEND NUDES is completely out of line.

My partner said that, of course the company didn’t literally mean send nudes, so he saw little issue with it but it’s the unconscious message that sending and requesting nudes is ok. That girls and women are encouraged to this, that their value is in their bodies and showing them off.

I am going to bring it together – In marketing we first are telling girls to be nice, be kind, care for others and then when they are older we telling them their body and their looks are their value. SEND NUDES.

All the while we are teaching boys to be curious, go after what they want, physical education, that they deserve the best, just the way they are.

The way this translates into adulthood is what I have seen, heard and felt at work. A self proclaimed feminist asking me; why I didn’t wear make up more often, and didn’t I wear it for me? Let’s be real, no girl starts wearing make up just for them. They start because of the pressure to look your best, which apparently when it comes to make up only applies to women and girls. If I wore make up for me or did my hair for me. I would perpetually have fun colours, crazy bed head and heavy eyeliner. Girls are told too early on, that their worth lies in their looks. The habit of doing your make up starts young, and from then on it’s hard to picture yourself without it; so much so that filter free/make up free selfies are a thing. These are of course for women and girls, not men and boys.

My sister once asked me to ponder the following question – If your child had to be one of these three things which would you pick? Ugly/Unattractive, Boring or Unintelligent. When you think of your answer, would it be different for a boy vs. a girl, and I implore you to be honest. I always chose Boring, because to me, if you are what would be considered traditionally attractive (meaning the norm/average person would find you attractive) and smart, than you could be successful. We put a high value on looks in our society, however it was argued that often for boys looks come last. If a man is Smart and Interesting or Charismatic they can be extremely successful, however the same can not be said for women, looks play a larger part in success both professionally and personally.

I don’t want to discount looking good and feeling good because of it. I have a tradition of getting fully dolled up on my birthday. Whole nine yards, make up, false eyelashes, usually get my hair done, new outfit (almost always a dress), likely one of the only times I wear high heels – and on that day, it is for me.

For me I think there is more value teaching our girls to value their intelligence, their independence, their curiosity, their strength over their beauty and teaching the same to boys. A girl’s and women’s value is not in whether or not their are kind to others, whether or not they are agreeable, whether they are in service to others but in their innate being.

This can and should be said for all beings, however the reality is that this is not yet the world we live in.

I know I was raised feeling the pressure to value looks, and to see my own personal value in them, this led to destructive behaviour in my late teens and early adult years; when after years of being the unattractive friend I finally received male attention. I allowed myself to get lost in the need for this kind of attention to find self worth. Instead of concentrating on what I could achieve if I put my value on my strength, my hard work and my goodness, I allowed myself to be distracted and feel unworthy. I made decisions that now as someone that loves themselves stills cries about. I have learned from my experience and hope that my candidness, and honesty of my mistakes, will help my own daughter, and other generations of girls and women learn from them, without having to repeat them themselves.

All this to hopefully raise the question in your own homes, to open your eyes to your own biases and those around you. To demand better from companies like the Gap and Garage. Yes, there are small companies such as, Whistle and Flute, that offer all unisex clothing and do an excellent job of promoting to all genders. The point is that we can still do better and need to consciously choose to support the organizations doing better. Teach both our girls and boys to be better. After all what do you value in yourself? What do you value in a person? Does it vary based on gender?

Picture a world where everyone is loved as they are. The potential is amazing and wouldn’t that better than where we are now?

Accountability: Why it builds Resilience and Saves us from A**holes

*Pardon my language in this post as those that know me, know I have a bit of a potty mouth and it comes out on this one for sure.*

Accountability is something that comes up a lot in my home… having three young children, ages 3, 5 and 8 – it is a massive learning process to ensure they understand what accountability is, and how it applies to their lives.

I am adamant as a parent that my children believe in this value. I believe as parents, if we fail to set Accountability as a value within our children than we are not doing our jobs. On a side note my whole goal as a parent is to raise functional, contributing members of society. And what that looks like to me is raising someone who becomes an adult with good self esteem, a strong sense of self and personal conviction, someone with integrity (which requires accountability) and someone that gives back to their community.

When we don’t raise our children to be accountable, what happens? Well, they become self centred, hypocritical victims of the world around them. They become in short, Assholes. Yes, I realize that is exceptionally harsh sounding but it is true.

A caveat that when holding anyone Accountable, it is essential to be specific and to acknowledge your own personal perspective or lens that may skew the vision of events. Remember Facts Matter. What was said or done is more important when holding someone Accountable than your personal feelings. I say this, not because feelings don’t matter in my example below I take Accountability to another’s feelings but Facts are more important in Accountability because if we accept the refusal of fact, we can erase History.

I have worked over two decades with youth in what often was their first job, and have taught countless courses related to leadership training. I have had many a conversation with a parent that made excuses for the child either being late, not getting their work done, or not meeting a standard. The intention was good, to support their child, but the result taught their child that they did not need to take responsibility for their actions or lack there of. This in turn leads to a longer, harder road for the child in question because at some point (unless they hold strong privilege, which often they did) their child would experience a job, a course, a relationship where someone could no longer make excuses for them.

Let’s start with the idea of failing. Nobody likes to fail, nobody likes to feel like they are failing – these are facts. When we as humans do something sub-par, less than our best, or just plain wrong it doesn’t feel good; simply put, it feels bad to fuck up. Another fact is that everyone fails at some point in their life. So not learning from those failures ends up in us doing a continual loop of bad actions, behaviour and not growing.

When we fail, or do wrong – we have an opportunity to grow, however we can only grow if we are held accountable for our words and actions. It’s human nature to want to forget or minimize what we do when wrong, again, it feels bad to fuck up.

As parents we often want to protect our kids and this leads us to doing things like calling in sick for them at work, blaming teacher’s for our kids poor behaviour or lack of ability, or worse excusing dangerous behaviour as phases. If parents did a better job of holding their kids accountable, then we would have far more adults willing to do so as well.

I’ll give you an example of someone I had in a leadership class, the candidate was extremely strong in the knowledge aspect of the course, however did not have the physical strength to complete the requirements necessary. The course lead to a certification where the individual would be responsible for the safety of others and the physical requirements were directly related to their ability to do this job safely. The student when speaking with me, seemed to understand why it was important to complete the skills. We took extra time to work one on one, and with another participant to try and gain the strength. Their parents however chose to push and take the perspective that I was the issue, that I didn’t want their child to succeed. So instead of helping their child learn resilience through the failure; they fought, tried to show their child that the guidelines should not apply to them, got additional support and evaluation only to have their child fail again. In the courses I teach it is essential for people to acknowledge and learn from their mistakes. I, too had to learn from this experience because the communication from the candidate and myself had no hint of such misunderstanding. I now have a plan to acknowledge this in future classes to hopefully provide a safer space for students to share.

I could take the perspective that the candidate was two faced, that they just really didn’t want to face their own inability, that I did everything I could but that wouldn’t allow me to grow. My growth is coming from acknowledging that my message was lost, that I could do better in the future, that I will try to do better.

It is not possible for every person to be successful in everything. Read that again. It is impossible for us to be successful at everything. It is impossible for us to be perfect. Knowing this helps with Accountability, because it’s not as scary to admit we are struggling or failing, if we understand that the vast majority are doing the same, right along with us.

I have written my last few posts on privilege, representation and the values of wealth, status and power. The reason Accountability is so important to loop in, is that there is a misapplication of Accountability to marginalized people. An ideal of capitalism, that anyone can make something of themselves, does not factor in that the playing field isn’t even. It misplaces accountability on those without privilege, without representation, without wealth, status or power. It makes it so the oppressors need not take any accountability, and that those being oppressed do.

How is it possible to believe that those placed in a position with less resources, access to education, and opportunities are to be more accountable than those keeping them there. This premise directly applies to how white supremacy shows up in our lives without us even be conscious to it.

I want to take the example in Canada and how we treat the Indigenous. I was born, raised and still live in Calgary. I lived with fairly liberal parents (as liberal as Alberta gets), I read early, went to good schools, I should have been taught about Residential schools but I wasn’t. I was not aware of the existence of Residential schools until I was 28 years old. When I was first told my reaction was quite literally disbelief. I told my friend there was no way the Canadian government would do that. How could parents let their kids be taken away? It just wasn’t possible – I had to look up the Truth and Reconciliation commission and went down the rabbit hole of just exactly what had happened. That these ‘schools’ were open until 1996, when I would have been 13.

The purpose of Residential schools was to ‘kill the Indian in the child’; it was to abolish the Indigenous culture by isolating the children from their parents, their homes, their tradition, culture and heritage. To force assimilation to the dominant (white) culture. In contrast, as a white child I was taught that we, as in Canada, were a country that was a mosaic, one that embraced all cultures. We were led to believe that we were not a melting pot like the United States. That all religions, races and beliefs were important. I was taught this without ever being told that the exact opposite applied to the Indigenous in our country.

If I am starting to sound upset, it is, because I am. I remember the white hot shame I felt when I discovered everything that occurred and the misconception I had of our nation. The story we had been told, and if it was up to some politicians/historians (looking at you, Jason Kenney and Chris Champion), would still be told was that Residential schools and their lasting effects were not/are not that bad or perhaps not bad at all. There has been a recommendation to take the information out of school curriculum for younger ages, that these children wouldn’t be capable of understanding what happened. Residential schools directly affected the lives of 150,000 Indigenous youth, and generations to come after, approximately 6,000 children died in Residential schools. I would say it is more than appropriate that my children learn about what happened, how and why these schools were allowed to operate, given that they were compulsory for Indigenous children to attend at age 7.

My biggest issue with the idea of possibly taking what occurred in Residential schools out of our curriculum is that it would diminish our Accountability. We, as in white people, did that, or allowed that, or allowed ourselves to be ignorant of that. In not taking Accountability, we wrote a different narrative on the struggles of the Indigenous, one that places entirely their circumstances and any difficulties in their lives on their own shoulders.

Why is it that we can be more empathetic towards a wealthy, white drug addict? Or young, white youth breaking into facilities and injuring themselves, than we can an entire group of individuals that were subjected to years of abuse (physical, mental and emotional). Less empathy to an entire group being told that who they were born to be (culturally, language, etc.) was bad or lesser than. Perhaps it is because we haven’t been taught that we need to take ownership of the results of our actions and their long lasting effects.

In growing up, because I was so privileged and unaware I didn’t understand why Black people were still saying things like white people are racists, because I myself had never met someone my age that was racist. To me there weren’t any more slaves so what was the deal. I genuinely didn’t understand all the longstanding effects of slavery, land ownership, red-lining and the systems put in place to continually hold back an entire race. Not to mention the corrupt Justice system and all the Police brutality that they have been subjected to. That racism was still steeped in our waters. When we think of Accountability it is hard to understand that it’s not just about what we do personally, but also what we aren’t doing.

When learning about the Holocaust and the rise of the Nazi party in Germany it was easy to see how the us vs them group think got out of control. FacingHistory.org does an excellent job exploring this topic and I highly recommend checking them out.

Taking a look at what is happening in the United States and the recent attempted coup/Insurrection and the resulting lack of Accountability for those that led the charge, fed the words and created, enabled an environment that led to such violence is almost unbelievable. It is as though we have learned nothing from the past, or more so those that read about the past, took completely different lessons than what they should. Those that voted to not impeach Trump, to not hold him Accountable are doing so because they too, do not want to be Accountable for their own actions.

Yet those very same people believe that marginalized individuals need to be accountable for their actions. That a rape victim must continue to carry a fetus of their rapist because of ‘God’s will’. They protect a system that jails a teenager and holds them without trial for 3 years for allegedly stealing a backpack. The system that believes a young, white male, that excels at sports deserves a 6 months sentence for sexual assault because of their character, but that a Black athlete guilty of the same crime is sentenced to 15-25 years. A system that allows white people to shoot innocent black joggers on video with no charges for months. A system that allows a white cop to murder a Black suspect, caught on camera, for an alleged counterfeit $20 bill. Accountability only applies to those they wish to hold power over, their lens is dirty.

In Europe there are many memorials about the Holocaust in hopes of never going down that road again. Memorials to help keep us Accountable to the 6 million Jews and millions of other lives lost for the name of status and power. We teach history to learn from it, to change our societies and shape our world to a better place.

I would argue that not wanting to teach Residential schools to our children is an attempt to not take Accountability to the damage we have done. To continue to paint our world and that of Indigenous people into blurry visions of history.

Accountability stems into so many factors in our lives from Oil and Gas companies being Accountable for clean up of their sites and the environmental laws of the countries which they source their resources. To employers adhering to labour laws. To employees showing up on time and producing the work they are paid for. To travellers during the pandemic ensuring they get the right COVID test (hello, PCR) before heading home so they don’t get forced into quarantine. To politicians keeping their campaign promises. People try to fluff off Accountability all the time because it is hard work, that is the truth. Being Accountable for your actions is hard work, but it is worthy work.

Accountability starts young, it starts with picking up the toys that you take out, putting your own dish in the dishwasher, acknowledging when you have lied or done wrong. If we don’t teach these lessons young than we never learn them. If we are never Accountable than the whole world is a mess.

Valuing Accountability and holding each other to like standards is what is just and fair. Understanding the nuance of why someone reacted the way they did is important, like when one kids hits the other when the first one takes a toy out of their hand. Who is accountable in this situation? The child that hit arguable did the greater crime, but the child that took what didn’t belong to them was in the wrong too and wronged first. What are we to do? Hold both Accountable to the situation. But it’s not always that plain to see and understanding where each person comes from, where they grew up, how they were raised, their privilege or lack thereof gives us perspective. It’s not meant to be an excuse but it is meant to provide context, that if you were in the same situation, given the same options what would you do.

Holding people Accountable again gives the opportunity for growth, growth is where real change is possible. Right now, we need real change in our world. If you don’t like the image in the mirror when someone is holding you to your words, your actions or inactions than maybe it is time to re-evaluate your world, your values. Having integrity is matching who you are with what you believe and what you put out into the world.

Now I do say in the title that Accountability leads to resilience and it does. In the simple way of knowing that growth is possible when you take it. That no one is perfect, that is huge in resilience – holding ourselves up to perfect ideals is what drives our resilience down. Resilience in accepting yourself, for exactly who you are. Acknowledging that we are all doing our best drives empathy and resilience.

What happens if we aren’t doing our best? What if we aren’t being Accountable? Well then we are perpetually the victim of a world of our own making, and we are an Asshole. Let’s not be Assholes.

Unpacking Privilege

Today I was fortunate to have a really interesting conversation with a friend, one that led me to revise privilege and how we hold it in our lives.

I think the biggest weakness we have as humans is that we often focus on the negative, the hard things in life and what doesn’t go our way. The reason why I point this out, is that it is, this focus that makes it difficult to see our own privilege.

I would argue that almost everyone carries a certain amount of privilege. Now there are a lot of factors that can diminish privilege that is held. What I mean by that is that our lives are made up of so many different factors, from relationships with parents/family, natural intelligence, race, financial stability, access to education, etc. Each factor can have a positive or negative affect in how privilege shows up in our lives.

It is my belief is that Privilege shows up when any of these factors has a positive effect on your life. How I rationalize that, is that if another has the opposite (meaning negative) experience than it can be said that you hold privilege in that aspect of life in comparison to them. Because as I mentioned above we can focus on the negative, we can be blind or down play these positives/privileges. What we value also plays into our ability to recognize privilege, because if we don’t value a factor in life than we won’t consider it a positive.

I will give you a personal example, which I return to a lot because I really struggled and can still struggle with sometimes. I grew up with quite privileged in terms of financial stability (including things such as ‘luxury’ vacations), access to health care (living in Canada with parents that were medical professionals), access to education, enrolled in a second language (bilingual schooling), and access to extra curricular programs (i.e. swimming).

All these privileges were things that I was actually able to see as privileges, but they felt diminished because they were tainted with negative experiences. The luxury vacations almost always included major blow out fights between my parents or fear of abuse. The extra curricular was about physical excellence/speed, I did not possess natural talent to really excel, I ended up not being able to keep up with my peers (so I ended up feeling less than). That doesn’t mean these aren’t still privileges, it just means they didn’t always feel that way. The were enabled by financial stability but affected my emotional instability.

One thing my whole life I never recognized as a positive was that my two parents were alive. They still are alive and now I can recognize it as a positive, because my children will get to know them. The reason why I didn’t feel the same growing up is because my parents for lack of tact, were not the kindest. It’s not that they aren’t good people; both my parents are caring for the community, they are generous, they are intelligent but they were and continue to be verbally and/or emotionally abusive. I grew up being told I was going to end up a failure, I was lazy, I was fat; nothing I did was ever good enough. I was just lucky that anyone would want to be around me. Even now, knowing and recognizing their behaviours for what they are. Their own reactions to their upbringings and their trauma, it doesn’t make it easier to manage my perception all the time.

Where I lacked empathy or recognition was for people that lost a parent and that said I was so lucky to have both of mine. I would honestly romanticize what it would be like because I would rationalize that people would at least feel sorry for me, or the parent that was living, often loved their child so deeply they would do anything for them, something I did not have with my own. On the outside I looked like I had everything but that’s not how it felt. Even now in my most insecure moments I take this for granted, because I have the inner voice (sounds just like my mother) telling me I am worthless, I’m just lucky anyone loves me, or I’ve wasted my life.

I think thoughts like this are often what hangs us up in showing gratitude towards and recognizing our privilege. The reality is that every experience makes us who we are; this includes the positive and the negative. This is a really hard thing to get across without being slightly insensitive because your feelings do matter but so does perspective.

It is important to recognize and understand another’s perspective. It is also super important to think critically about your situation and be honest about the comparison with anothers’. In my case, I don’t know what it is like to lose a parent but I can acknowledge that it is hard, it is a loss, no matter the situation. What my desire is, is that someone can see my situation and understand it was tough too. The reality is that my romanticized version of parent loss (warped) is probably not accurate. The same can be said for my financially stable, nuclear upbringing. As a result of my experiences I believe I value love, acceptance, and support more than money.

I am going to admit that when I first encountered the message Black Lives Matter, in 2013, the thought went through my head that they would get more support if they said All Lives Matter. I didn’t understand that was something that should already be clear. Of course all lives matter, that was never in question, the lives that were being treated as though the weren’t important were Black ones. It shouldn’t have been necessary for the BLM movement to point this out but they had to. They had to because we (the collective we) did not recognize the privilege we held in never having to worry about our safety the same way Black people do.

In my privileged upbringing I was never educated on Residential Schools. I had no idea they existed until I was 27/28 – so 2010 or so. In my ignorance I viewed Indigenous people as full of privilege because they had so many opportunities to better themselves for free, like post secondary education being free or that companies would reserve spots to hire Indigenous people. I didn’t know what they had collectively gone through or the generational trauma present. I do now and feel like we can still do more to assist in reconciliation and must educated our youth early in order to do better.

My privilege allowed for ignorance, it made it so I was blind to a massive injustice in my country. My privilege made me naive to even the continued rights being undermined such as clean water to drink (highly recommend looking up Indigenous access to clean water). My privilege gave me blinders to how much harder it could actually be.

I was speaking with a friend recently that has a family member applying to medical school. They made a comment about the biggest thing working against their family was that they were white. I had to pause before responding and didn’t feel like I could get out exactly why that thought process was so small and wrong. This family is wealthy, their member had every possible advantage from being set up with volunteering in hospitals through connections, to travelling abroad to work in the medical services field, to never having to work while at school because they didn’t have to make their own money. These are all privileges that are way more likely to help you succeed in getting the marks needed to enter medical school and for successfully completing. Not to mention graduating debt free, that will enable them to grow their own wealth from the start without having to worry about loan repayment, interest, etc. on top of opening a practice, hours of work, and so on.

Another example was someone I know explaining that they were given the directive to hire someone that was either female or a visible minority for a position where the most experienced candidates were white males. The factor they didn’t take into account is the reason why white males had the most experience was that historically their organization hired males first, that it has racist roots and that people have a natural tendency to promote those that seem most like them. All these factors made it so that of course, white males would have more experience than any other demographic. The reality is experience doesn’t make for the best candidate always.

Privilege is a funny thing – it’s something that in order to recognize requires identifying our values. Any time I have had a hard time recognizing my privilege, I, upon better reflection/critical thinking, have been able to see that it is because I don’t always value that privilege. Me not valuing something doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I don’t value status or power, but in being white I have held it.

I know myself and my values, this gives me the privilege of resilience. That resilience gives me the freedom to walk away from things that don’t align with my values, things that make me feel untrue to my integrity. I live in a country that has universal health care, good public education, democracy and free market – all these make my life privileged. There is of course the need to recognize choices and that we all make them; that some end up positive and some negative. What we need to realize is that choice in itself is a privilege. Lots of people go through life with limited choices because circumstances that happen. Privilege is not having to overcome a circumstance.

I had another discussion with a friend where they said travel is a right and I had to argue that it is not. Travel is a luxury. Rights are things that we as humans, as a society should ensure are available to everyone not just a few. My friend’s inability to recognize that her frequent travel was something that most can’t afford is an example of her lack of reflection.

Recently it has come out that we won’t be able to open our fitness facilities for at least a month. I saw a thread that was debating the need for sports in the lives of our youth. That the lack of access was hurting the mental health of our youth. One comment was saying that in the area they service with work, sports/extra curricular were not always accessible to youth, that this was something for the more affluent/wealthy. The point being that those that don’t always have access to such programs aren’t always suffering, that it is a luxury, that those who are normally privileged should recognize that and maybe reflect on their positions.

The idea being that there are bigger problems than not being able to travel and do sports. These are privileges. It’s not that they aren’t important or that access to them don’t vastly improve our lives, because it does, but that not everyone has the same access, the same positives, so they are privileges.

I see the importance of recognizing privilege because it makes us unpack what we value and sort out things based on what is a right and what is a privilege. I have had conversations with people that believe travel is a right but that health care is not. That access to guns is a right but strong public education is not. The reason I bring this up is that those stances are based on privilege held that if something happened to these individuals they would be ok. Whether it financially, medically or in the justice system because of the social position. This is reality.

What I hope is that after reading this, you will take a few minutes to unpack your own privilege. Do the critical thinking. Make the comparisons. Find the things to be grateful for. Decide what you believe are fundamental human rights. I know it’s a lot. I do a lot of spinning but I have to tell you that acknowledging life as it is, and doubling down on what is important has given me resilience.

Representation Matters : Why the Inauguration was so much more than just another President

A caution, this piece shares stories of personal reflection that might be hurtful to marginalized individuals, they are intended as examples of growth of thought and how it is not ok to follow those lines anymore.

We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one

– Amanda Gorman, The Hill We Climb

A funny thing happened to me this week while watching the inauguration, I found myself in tears, uncontrollably sobbing as times. It had nothing to do with Joe, although, truth be told having the day end with no violence gave me a much needed sigh of relief. Watching Kamala Harris, the sun shining on her face, the little sniff at the start (possibly holding back tears), the beautiful smile on her face, chin up and shoulders back – this moment was truly special and it got me. Even days later and now, I am still choked up watching it, my heart swelling at all the obstacles she overcame to get there. She is not one or two, but three firsts in American history, the first Black, the first South Asian and the first female Vice President.

I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me, a Canadian, to see a woman be sworn in as Vice President of the United States. I liken it to watching the Olympics though, that although I was never someone that could aspire to such greatness in sport I still tear up knowing everything that goes into that accomplishment. Kamala did what I wasn’t sure would be possible in my lifetime and she has opened the door for many to come after.

This doesn’t mean that it’s instantly going to be easy anyone coming after but it does mean that there is precedence. I still wait with baited breathe, as I am so well aware of the often double standard we have for women over men. There will be a magnifying glass over her, just waiting to point out any failures or ‘deficiencies’ but I have faith that she will go beyond our expectations of greatness. She may stumble but she will hold the door for so many to follow. Her triple threat of representation and her success will help pave the way for more Black, South Asian and/or females to come after and hopefully hold positions of even higher significance.

I am white, so my only tie to Kamala is that of being female and let me tell you that tie is strong. It also gave me a gift, it opened my eyes to why representation matters so much – truth be told before I intellectually understood it, but never really felt it. It’s really easy to go through life being ignorant to what it’s like to not be represented. Growing up, and still now, there is massive representation of white people in North America and globally. I grew up in a neighbourhood where we had lots of Asian/South Asian students but very little Black population. I also swam growing up, a very white sport, and had little friends (one of memory) or interactions with people of different races or even different religions except when attending public vs. catholic school.

When I say ignorant, it’s not meant to be harsh but honest. I genuinely didn’t know, and didn’t or wouldn’t put the time in to understand how it might feel if I didn’t constantly see like people around me. Whether it be coaches, or teachers, doctors, actors, those in any leadership position have always had some like connection to me. I used to think I understood because my body type isn’t the ideal, meaning I’m short and squat, thick thighs, overweight but really that’s a whole other thing. I basically cared but didn’t really care enough to push for representation of other races, cultures, etc. I didn’t have a culture of my own I felt affiliation for and because of that I didn’t/wouldn’t recognize the overwhelming representation of my race in our society and the privilege that comes with that. The reality is that people gravitate to those they feel are like them and we need to actively work against that in order to ensure proper representation is present.

I am embarrassed to tell this story but feel like it’s a good example of how ingrained, naive, ignorant the thought process can be – when Halle Bailey was selected to play Ariel in the upcoming live action version of the Little Mermaid, I got my back up. Why? I wanted someone that looked like the cartoon, some one with red hair, someone my daughter could see herself in, someone without wanting to say it, but someone white. It’s not that Halle wasn’t a wonderful singer or talented actress. She is beautiful and is sure to do a terrific job. What I had such a hard time admitting, what I would dance around, and tried not to acknowledge was the race piece. That my focus was that I wanted to my daughter to picture herself as the little Mermaid, a character I love, and if she was portrayed as Black, I was worried that maybe she wouldn’t be able to. This I have learned is white centering and is one of the systemic ways in which racism presents itself in white people.

What lies in my realization is exactly why representation matters. I was worried about my daughter being able to see herself in a role that I thought was important, but the reality is that she could just watch the cartoon and the more important reality is that Black girls don’t have the same number of opportunities to see themselves represented in the princess or lead roles. So I had to ask myself why is it more important that my daughters feels that? but not a Black child, a Latina child and Indigenous child? When you see it that way, it’s clear that it’s not more important. I was being irrational, I was minimizing the importance of representation due to my own wants and needs. I was thinking my feelings matter more than representation, and that is just wrong.

It is more important for everyone, regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, to feel as though they are represented than my own personal feelings. Everyone should have moments where their hearts swell seeing someone like them accomplish a dream.

Representation isn’t just about race – watching Amanda Gorman present her poem, The Hill We Climb, was incredibly moving. I went deep diving after, wanting to learn more about this amazing presence. I watched a few interviews, and made my daughter watch some more. You would never know that she grew up with a speech impediment. The grace and ease with which she spoke was exceptional. Being a hand talker myself, I was equally thrilled to watch the use of her whole body to express her words. By now it is known that Joe Biden himself also suffers from a stutter.

Although you may look at these two individuals and only see their success, it is important to acknowledge the struggle that comes with either of these speech afflictions. Part of human nature can be to focus on what could go wrong or how hard something might be to accomplish; in focusing on this we hold ourselves back. When we don’t have people to look up to, people that feel like us, look like us, our dreams can seem impossible. Watching Joe get his words out, taking pause when needed or Amanda lead with such grace shows all those with similar struggles that they shouldn’t allow that one thing to hinder or define them. By that I mean, that all the positions that require constant speaking, whether it be teaching, acting, spoken artist, leader, lawyer – there are so many others are now more imaginable than before; this is representation in action.

Another piece of representation that came up with Biden was in his first executive orders which included “all persons should receive equal treatment under the law, no matter their gender identity or sexual orientation”. This will help ensure that transgender individuals are protected against discrimination. It is a stepping stone to help ensure that same sex couples are entitled to the same rights and benefits as opposite sex couples. It is important because it is saying that everyone is valued and deserving of equality. Having greater protection of rights for a group that is under represented is essential to providing a safe space for these individuals.

One needs only look at the suicide stats, that 1 in 3 transgender youth attempted suicide in 2015, compared with the average population of 2.5% and more recently 1 in 20 during the pandemic (Mental Health Commission report/Canadian Mental Health Association), it is clear that we need to do a better job of ensuring transgender individuals know they are valued and cared for, by providing support and inclusion.

One of the outcries that has come out, is from groups concerned with transgender female athletes and their inclusion in Women’s sport. This has gone as far as the ridiculous hashtag #BidenErasedWomen and the claim that there is some ‘new glass ceiling’ for girls/women in Sport. Let’s just think about the hashtag for a minute, Biden Erased Women, that because his administration wants to recognize ALL women, this somehow is erasing us? Does this make sense to anyone? It’s like people are picturing a Tootsie situation, when transgender people are only trying to live true to themselves.

There are already guidelines and testing in place by the NCAA and the IOC for transgender athletes. These levels are the ones where you would think there would be concern, because of the high level of achievement. The idea that a transgender girl or woman takes away or lessens the ability of a cis-gender girl or woman to succeed, is the same line of thinking that someone else thriving or doing well makes you less likely to also succeed or do well; which I think we can all agree is nonsense.

The ability for athletes succeeding is much more based on their privilege, access to programs, parental support, their drive, their commitment and natural ability – it has little, to nothing to do with their competition.

The reality is that life for a transgender individual has enough obstacles without cis-gender people putting more on them. Being a swimmer I can only imagine just how hard it would be for a transgender athlete to be comfortable and open. The very nature of what we wear in swimming shows the entire body. It is enough pressure on individuals to fit certain ‘ideal’ body types without having the added requirement of not fitting the uniform. If someone is brave and comfortable enough with themselves to identify as being transgender than we should celebrate and welcome them, not turn them away.

I will admit when the idea first came about of allowing transgender individuals to use the bathrooms or change rooms that matched their identity I was nervous, and questioned the potential abuse/invasion of girls locker rooms. I envisioned a teenager wanting to get their kicks by claiming their preferred identity to be female, and literally in writing this out, I am hearing how absolutely absurd that line of thinking is. It would require someone to wholly commit their formative years to an identity that doesn’t match theirs. An identity, being transgender, that is often met with hostility, bullying or worse, violence. An identity that has been/can be mislabelled and/or mistreated as a mental illness. Yes, of course it would make sense that one might to pretend to be this, you know to just, to potentially see a girl undress? Yes, this sounds very logically (please note intense sarcasm). I actually was talking this point over with a friend and they mentioned that if that it’s hard to believe that this is really a concern, as many people claiming that, are the same that brush off mysogynistic locker room talk, as boys will be boys. These people tend to be the same and that messaging is completely hypocritical, so it’s really that they just don’t like, or want to try and understand transgender individuals.

The thing about the argument that transgender individuals would behave in such a way, or that there would be abuse or perversion potential comes from fear. Yes, if a grown man walked into a restroom where my 8 year old daughter was in, I would be concerned, but at that point I could accompany her. The fact is the pedophiles/abusers tend to prey closer to home but that is another discussion entirely, one that should not even come up when discussing transgender rights. The fear that people have about transgender, is that it makes them question themselves, what they know and realize how much they don’t know.

The unknown in life, the out of our control is what is the most terrifying. When we are faced with something we don’t understand or can’t imagine being, we, as humans, tend to shut down. It’s hard work to put yourself in another’s shoes, to be open to their struggle and their pain because so often we have our own things that we are trying to deal with, but does that make it ok to deny the rights of other humans just because we as individuals can’t do our own work, NO. No, it is not ok, in case you were wondering.

Biden acknowledging the rights of gender identity and sexual orientation and his choice of Rachel Levine, a openly transgender person as the Assistant Secretary of Health, is sending a clear message that everyone belongs within the government. Everyone has a stake in the success of a nation and everyone should have a voice in it’s future. Representation is necessary for Equality to exist.

I am not expecting the new Administration to be perfect, but I will say the start has was one for the books. I know for me it gave an opportunity to lean into myself. To explore feelings and ask questions, I am grateful that it opened my heart to more understanding; I hope others feel the same. My biggest wish is that we see more, more diversity, more celebration of our differences and more commitment to represent all people.

‘We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all‘

– Amanda Gorman, The Hill We Climb

Exploring The Why: Wealth, Status and Power

Starting 2021 my goal was to continue to focus on a Values Mindset – I brought up my Values of Focus for the year being Grace, Perseverance, Creativity, Health and Candor.

I was thinking of my post last week and realized that there wasn’t a lot of Grace written in or extended to the values explored. I wanted to take a beat and try and dive into the why someone might hold the three values of Wealth, Status and Power. Hopefully gaining some empathy for the individual vs. the actions.

Part of the reason why I rely so heavy on a Values Mindset is because I believe it is essential to be able to separate a person and their actions, especially when making judgements on the person as a whole. Now I know the argument can be made that we are the sum of all our actions however it is unfair and unreasonable to not allow for missteps. Part of the reason why I can maintain a relationship with my parents is that I know their actions aren’t always a reflection of who they are as a whole or what they truly value. So I focus on the values of a person instead.

Before looking at the three Values specifically I want to bring up the understanding that there are two ways to view your world, I know this is stating things are this or that, right or wrong, black or white when in fact there is a ton of grey but there are some instances where these exists – one instance is that you can either view your life with gratitude or with discontent, there really isn’t an in-between. Now I know this seems overly simplified and it is a bit, but what I mean is that you can choose to focus on what you have or you can choose to focus on what you don’t. It’s that age old question of is the glass have full or half empty.

My most favourite and relatable example of this, is taxes. So often when I have spoken with people with Wealth, or those with high incomes they have an obsession on how much they pay in taxes. Here is the thing, something I think that often gets forgotten is those in the highest tax bracket only pay that high tax rate on the money they made ABOVE all the other tax brackets. That means that everyone else underneath them also paid the same amount for the brackets below and they didn’t have anything else left over above that to get taxed.

Also people forget or might not realize if you are in the lowest few tax brackets, it can be really hard to max out your tax reduction contributions because more than likely you are using your entire income to pay bills. But I am digressing and can/will I’m sure visit this thought another time – the point is, that those complaining are doing so because their focus is on what they are losing, not on what the get for those taxes or even more importantly what they get to keep (which is much more than those in lower brackets).

The mindset being grateful for what you do get to keep, of focusing on what you have is one that can make a difference in where you place these three values within your life and priority list. Remembering that we all hold a great many values but that where, and how we prioritize them comes out in where we spend our energy and how we make our decisions.

Let’s look at the Value of Wealth, a large part of this obsession comes from the Capitalist structure of our society. The miseducation of the masses on pure capitalism, socialism and communism. There are nuances and the lines are not black or white, here there is a lot a grey.

The necessity of a free market and having healthy competition is essential to business and an economy. The issue is that as a society we need to have some things be collective, think of roads, water filtration, health care, recreation centres, etc. There are so many things that we get from giving collectively that no one really thinks about, that giving, is in the form of taxes and this equals some form of socialism. Most of the Western world is Capitalist based with shades of socialism including the United States. They pay taxes too, it’s what you get for those taxes that show the underlying values of the society as a whole. In the U.S. they do heavy spending in their military and police forces in the name of Law & Order of their country so it would stand to reason that the lines of spending follow the values of Status and Power.

In other countries that have different values such as Equality, Education, Health, Compassion, Humanity – their spending is placed differently. It does generally cost most to fund more but it does all come down to values.

One issue with Wealth as a value, and this line of thinking is that Wealth is merit based and that we live in a meritocracy, when we most definitely do not. One thing the pandemic has made glaringly clear is that those working essential jobs are the ones that are forever taken for granted (health care workers) and quite often paid the least (retail, customer service, grocery).

Capitalist society demands and requires that we consume in order to keep things going. This consumption leads to Materialistic values, the need to keep up with the Joneses vs. reflecting on what is actually necessary. The thing about Materialistic values is that they can leave one feeling empty because often there is a purpose missing. When one does not have the means to have, they find purpose and joy in different areas, ones that aren’t reliant on consumption.

Wealth is something many either aspire to or are born with. When you are born into Wealth my feeling would be that it is hard to imagine life without it. I know from my own privilege that it makes me sad knowing I currently am not in a position to give my kids all the opportunities I had simply due to the fact that I don’t have the same income as my parents and live in a different, more expensive time. I can understand why the value of Wealth would be high then because it could mean feeling or being less than what you were born into, that it can feel like failure.

For others its perhaps that they saw their parents struggle financially as kids, or they were always the never haves. Meaning they never got the new ‘it’ toy at Christmas or they never got to go on that Mexican vacation. Maybe it’s that they truly struggled and had food or housing insecurity so that now they see Wealth as security and live in a state of fear of living insecurely again.

The concern I have is many confuse Wealth with security, it is not one and the same. It can mean Financial freedom but not really security. Freedom to buy anything you wish without worry, or help friends out or be philanthropic. Security is knowing that you are safe, that everything is or will be ok; Security is something totally different. Many people will spend or take on higher debt with higher income, hence the lack of true connection to security.

When valuing Wealth it is important to know the end game, to what end do you want to reach? Is it paying off your home, your children’s education, travelling – what is the goal? Hoarding Wealth is a problem, you can’t take it with you when you die. Wealth doesn’t give you kisses goodnight, it doesn’t hold your hand when you’re sick, it doesn’t do good when hoarded – so be sure if this is a value of yours that you know to what end.

The second two values I really struggle in exploring with no judgement, is Status, the reason being is that I am someone that doesn’t value either Status or Power in any way. I am incapable of truly understanding Status as a value, I can theorize and that’s it, because to me it means that someone is more/better than another. It is the exact opposite of something I value greatly and that is Equality. I would argue that you can not value both Status and Equality because that are antonyms.

Those that value Status like hierarchal organizations. Hierarchy is familiar, it is comfortable. When we are kids there is a natural order, or levels. The adults in your life have a perceived Status of authority and knowledge above your own. I have always been someone that bucked that tradition, and being a lucky parent, my daughter has followed suit (this is me joking because it is the root of most of our clashes). I believe in mutual respect and care for everyone. I’m genuine to everyone because I live my life valuing all not just those that I feel like have something to give me. That until someone has shown they do not deserve my respect, they get it, it is based on behaviour and merit. The opposite way to interact is by making Status as what determines respect. Status can also provide a feeling of control or perceived control over others.

Maybe those that value Status might do so because they felt like they didn’t have enough control in their life growing up, this could have been in their family or in a social setting. I would hazard a guess that they are the kind of individual that feels better when they put others down vs. lifting them up. Those that value Status believe in Superiority and this can come out in many ways whether it is through religion (my God is better than you God), or power seeking; they believe that it is good to be ‘above’ others.

The thing about Status is that meaningless, it is only in the eye of the beholder. I have felt this often in work situations, where many times ‘bosses’ have tried to put me in what could only be described as ‘in line’. The thing about someone that doesn’t value Status at all, is that this approach will not work, you must gain my respect through shared values. I have seen many a time a meme of the difference between a boss and a leader – picture this – two images one on top of the other – in one the Boss sits behind their desk, on a pedestal, giving orders to those below. The second image is of the leader, in the front of line of those below working with them to pull the load above.

Religions, mostly Christian have been founded on the need for Status. This isn’t my interpretation of living Christian values but it is the reality of many churches and Religious organizations. From the hierarchal structure to the very idea of Heaven and Hell, there is status everywhere. When you look at the teachings of Jesus, he believed in the value of every person and held no one of higher status than another. Power and desire for Status was created by man in the form of Religion and has created issues within our own humanity and ability to live a Christ like life. I need to bring this up now but can’t dive in fully and will need to, at another time, but I think it is important to bring up how Status plays into religion and to ask you to reflect on how it ties to your own faith and behaviours.

The sad thing about Status is that so many aim to reach a certain level, in their head they might have a goal of a certain amount of followers, or a certain income or a certain level of job title but they do this without really evaluating whether or not it is aligned with their values or something they really want or need, and to what end. Similar to Wealth, as a value, to what end does Status get you?

Power could be argued that it is similar to Status, there are important differences though. Power can be insidious. Unlike Status, Power is something that can be wielded regardless of whether or not the affected group buy ins. Power is something that doesn’t need to be earned. I am realizing now in writing that Power is something so much more complicated and problematic, as it, like Money, is not based on merit but is misconceived as such. Power has been handed down from those that have to those that have, time and time again and any effort to equalize things has been faced with backlash.

It is understandable how an obsession with Power would come about if one grew up with little or no control. The need to gain some semblance of autonomy is natural for humans. Power for kids can be something small like being able to make your own decision on what to wear or eat in day. Imagine not ever being given choice. The secondary scenario I can imagine is almost the exact opposite, never being told no. When a child is given complete Power over the decisions of their adults, they would have a hard time not understanding that they can’t have everything they want, this breeds Narcisscists. Setting boundaries is important and ensures that Power dynamics don’t get out of hand.

When Power has always been held, it is hard to to imagine life without it. Power without merit is the most dangerous kind because it will do anything to continue, it requires ruthlessness because it knows it is not earned, that without oppression and suppression it won’t be able to maintain it’s hold.

White Supremacy is a clear example of Power getting out of hand. One where people are now desperate to hold onto the status quo. Part of it is Status, but that Status part is rooted in the Power of knowing privilege. I think subconsciously more people are aware of their privilege than they are willing to admit. They know the privilege that comes with being white provides a power that isn’t provided to other races. The events at the Capital on January 6th is a prime example of white people using their privilege and assumed Power to commit heinous crimes. The Power has been left unchecked and because white people are so scared to lose their own Power (no matter how small and insignificant feeling) within their own lives they are willing to let others continue to spread dangerous rhetoric and act recklessly.

Power is a fragile ideal – the reason I say it is insidious is, as in my example of white supremacy, most white people like to believe they are good, me included, but when it comes to ensuring equality like say for example trying to have more representation in a workforce or education program white people are the first to cry fowl. The reason being, is this below the surface, subconscious, unrecognized level of power we have over minorities and any giving away of that power feels like a loss, even when it’s not. Even if it is a personal loss, like maybe you personally lose a role to someone of a different race, someone that is capable, that can but maybe hasn’t had the same opportunities as you so is less ‘experienced’ (I say this as experience is relative), due to life circumstances/race, isn’t it the right thing to give them this opportunity?

It’s a fact, that there is an over representation of white males in the top corporate seats. When you look at population stats vs that of the top CEOs and Leadership positions in Fortune 500 companies there are stark differences. One can argue that it’s because women take maternity leave, that these companies owners inherited their positions or whatever other factors they want to put in but the reality is that white men like to keep white men in Power because they are alike, it continues the cycle and that makes it possible for their own children (like them) to succeed.

The sometimes subconscious, I’m sure it’s actually conscious at times, thing is that they equate giving up space in their world to losing their position of Power. It’s the mentality of having to keep people down to hold themselves up. Or even more so that if someone else succeeds it means I won’t – this is not a correct or healthy line of thinking; It’s dangerous, it’s harmful. Giving or sharing Power with others actually gives energy and can allow for support, innovation, and other awesome things.

You can see where Power gets out of control and understand where it comes from – the key is that it can’t be a guiding value. Wanting the Power to make your own decision is fair and right. Wanting the Power to control others is not. Absolute Power or wanting Power to subdue others is vile. I was almost going to say wanting Power to lift others is good but Power is not the value you would want – Leadership or Influence quite possibly would be.

Having spent a bit more time diving into these Values has been good, albeit there is still so much to say and explore. I hope that it’s added some food for thought for you. My intention genuinely was to give more Grace and I hope I did that at least a little bit, but I am well aware that this definitely wasn’t all there. The thing about Grace in reflecting on Values is that I can provide it to individuals like I do my family but when thinking on the Values themselves it doesn’t work. For Values, and how we apply them, rank them, make us who we are. So there is the grey…. the none finite… Values may not have wiggle room but people need it.

2021: The Values Reset

With the start of the New Year upon us, many are focusing on goals or traditional New Year’s resolutions. The thought process of ‘New Year, New Me’ is not necessarily a bad one, but what if we spend the time reflecting on values instead?

I want to challenge everyone, yes, I use that word a lot, but truly challenge you to use the start of the year to start the Values Mindset. What does that mean? What would that look like?

Well to start, when making your Goals for 2021, you first start with your Values instead of the desired End result, then you apply the Goal mindset to your Values; meaning that your life is dictated by fulfilling your Values vs. an end Goal that may potentially compromise those Values. I have made up a table designed in the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely) goal planning method (introduced by George Doran, slightly changed) with prompts identifying your Values while hopefully giving structure as to how to apply a Goal mindset to your Values. I have also made up a list of Values and Reflection Journal Prompts (including the concept of Two Stars and a Wish by Paul Buck and Dylan Wiliam’s). The Guide is meant to help structure your journal on the Values displayed in each day. If interested in receiving a PDF copy, go to the contact page and send me a note requesting the templates and I will happily send them your way.

I suggest starting with 5 Values to focus on for the year – you can go up to 10. Focusing on 5 and repeating goals specific to those will hopefully be less overwhelming and more manageable.

My 5 Values of Focus for 2021 are: Grace, Perseverance, Creativity, Health, Candor.

There is connectivity in the Values, I picked. This was done on purpose to allow for greater success in achieving them. They also connect with my CORE Values and will support my overall goal of living true to them. How will these show up in my life? Let’s dive in and I’ll theorize how my Values of Focus will appear in my every day life –

Grace – For me Grace is a combination of compassion, patience and empathy.

I am going back to work after having the last 10 days off, being able to just relax with my family and really bask in some much needed me time. Reading, working out and resting. Not only is it back to work in the morning but it’s back to Online School, because in our province, schools are delayed at least one week before in-class work begins.

I am going to need to give myself Grace, to allow myself to accept that I can’t possibly do it all perfectly. I have a knack for stopping myself from even trying if I can’t do it perfectly or getting super frustrated with things when I think it could be better. So I am going to need to breathe a bit more, take moments when needed and give Grace to not just me but also my kids and my partner as this will be yet another shift in life flow.

Another way Grace is sure to show up is in my interactions and judgements of others. It’s really easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone should think exactly the same way you do, but that’s just not reality. I will need to find ways to give Grace, and to continue to care for those that might not extend the same to myself, my family or loved ones. That doesn’t mean not holding people Accountable, because that is one of my top Values, but what it does mean is trying to lean into a person and understanding them. Finding compassion and empathy for them, being patient when they might not be ready to receive information or communication. Building arguments or discussions in ways that will enable someone to receive the information and actually reflect. I can be a bull in a china shop when I believe in something and so this year I am going to teach this bovine to dance a bit.

Perseverance – For me Perseverance is the combination of Goal Oriented, Discipline and Commitment.

I initially started this blog at the beginning of 2019. I was really good for the first few months but I let it drop off because I started a new job that became all consuming. I needed to take the time to learn balance but this year I want to commit that even if I only get a handful of views/reads, etc. that this medium, this outlet and a Value driven life is something to share. That helping others find their own Resilience and ability to self-reflect is something I want to honour.

I have some additional training and education to do at my day job, and I have made a goal to finish it by the end of 2022. That sounds huge, even just saying it but the long goal is important. I have often given up too early and this has hurt my ability to succeed, to fully realize my potential. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I haven’t accomplished much, I feel good where I’m at but that I do wonder what could have been sometimes, should I have stuck it out a bit longer. I’ll need to sacrifice to accomplish my goal, sacrifice me time and possibly family time, but the focus is when the going gets tough or when I start to negative self talk that I need to persevere, I will see it through.

Creativity – For me Creativity is the combination of Imagination, Individuality and Beauty.

Dreaming up all the ways I can connect with people and the possibility of building a community of support is a creative thing for me, it’s a beautiful thing. So this year, I am going to attempt to add a Podcast to this blog. I have goals to get creative in different mediums to reach as many people as possible. To think of ways to contribute to positive community change. This means learning whole new skill sets. The last two days I have spent trying to create a branding kit for Inventing Resilience. Picking colours, fonts, making a logo and a submark. I have tried to lay out a general outline for content for the next 12 months. I might fail and fall flat but I might also succeed. Failure is ok, mistakes will be made but growth comes from mistakes. I am choosing to value the attempt at Creativity above all else.

I am trying to do more research in reading and listening to other authors, hopefully engaging some if possible. I’ll be playing with how to make content more specific, not just for my main page but also the Relationship and Physical Resilience pages.

Health – For me Health is a combination of Fitness, Endurance and Vitality.

I started a 50 Days of Movement Challenge for myself on December 19th. I have so far successfully completed 16 Days of Movement with no break. I made sure to set myself up for success. My first week was when I only had a 4 day work week with 10 days off to follow and now I’m just hoping the whole two weeks to create a habit thing has kicked in.

The reason why I wanted to make a challenge for myself specifically around movement vs. fitness is that movement is more consistently achievable for me. If I miss a hard core workout one day (I’m following two separate online programs currently) than I can simply take my pup for a walk and not miss a beat. This will be another opportunity to practice Grace.

A massive component to true wellness for me is Mental health. Being able to move makes a big difference in my daily outlook. When the lockdowns first started I really struggled with being home all the time with no alone time. I am an introvert for sure and all of my mental energy reserves were getting used up. I fell into a familiar but unhealthy pattern of putting myself last. I wasn’t making time to move and could feel myself getting resentful and depleted. In trying to do everything for everyone I was actually hurting both those I loved and myself because I wasn’t able to be the best version of me. The saying that you can’t drink from an empty well, rings so true, yet is so easy to forget.

So Health for me this year will in large part mean taking time to read, write, and ramble without guilt. I’ll need constant reminders and check ins but I believe my others goals will help keep this in check.

Candor – For me Candor is a combination of Awareness, Vulnerability and Open-Mindedness.

This goal is near and dear to me, and is mostly aimed at what I share here. I want to be fully committed to Candor. I believe myself to be a genuine and open person in general, but to really focus on the Candor piece will be interesting. There are always parts of us that we hide, either for fear of judgement or possibly internal shame.

I am hoping that in sharing, in being vulnerable, I can help others to share. Maybe see themselves in me or someone they love. I hope that in Candor, I can spark deep conversations and bring new perspectives. When you are able to be open and really be honest with yourself and others, you can grow in the most wonderful ways. Candor provide people the knowledge of where exactly they stand with you shows Integrity, which is a guiding Value for me.

As you can see each one of my Focus Values are closely tied to others as well as my CORE values. Being tied together helps with alignment, alignment bring with peace, and peace lends itself to fulfillment and happiness.

Doing the Journals daily or weekly will help maintain my focus and perspective. Am I solely working towards a goal or am I aligning my Values? Which will fulfill me more. I am hoping you will join me in Resetting a little bit differently this year. Going deeper into Goals, figuring out the Why behind them, the Values held within them.

Christmas 2020 – the one where we can all agree that Festivus would have been better

I wasn’t sure what to write or where to go this week. I have a lot of thoughts on the turning over to the New Year for next week but when thinking of Christmas I was getting bogged down. Please don’t get me wrong I know 2020 has been a shit, fuck year for most people and the new lockdown right before Christmas was the Star on the proverbial 2020 tree for many. So I propose there is no more perfect year than 2020 to celebrate Festivus, if you haven’t had the pleasure of watching the classic Seinfeld episode please watch the video below for a short glimpse –

We will start and focus on the Airing of Grievances as 2020 deserves them. As Mr. Costanza says – “I’ve got a lot a problems with you people, now you’re going to hear about them’.

The Airing of Grievances can be really nerve racking for some people. Some innately see a Grievance as a complaint or something that has to be negative. I advocate that it is healthy and necessary to be able to verbalize what upsets you or frustrates you. Getting things off your chest is a release. Taking the time to really flush out what is bothering you can lead to three things, 1 – the realization that it wasn’t that big a deal, 2 – a different choice, a boundary or something else could prevent it from happening again, or 3 – it is what it is and you just need to deal with it.

I’m generally a positive, optimistic person – it’s just how I roll. I do like to bitch though. Life is not perfect or ideal, working from home has had many positives and a fair share of frustrations. Having to wake up by 4:30 every morning in order to have guaranteed, uninterrupted work time hasn’t been easy. Homeschooling this spring was garbage/not existent, my kids have no interest in learning from me – it just caused stress and anguish. Having to learn new processes for work and read even more emails, or updates is hella time consuming. Never feeling truly off or unavailable now that I can log in any time, exacerbated by my work line being forwarded to my home phone. Having the bad habit of thinking I’ll just check one email and ending up working for 3 + hours.

But I have a job, I can work from home. My kids and those closest to us have been healthy. 2020 has forced me to evaluate my boundaries and made it necessary to communicate them more clearly with everyone in my life.

My second set of grievances would be for the general public – those that can’t wrap their head around why racism is not ok. Those that were cool if Trump had won, because it might be good for Alberta Oil. The ones that refuse to understand how masks work, or do but don’t care because they care more for themselves than others. Those that wanted to be able to go shopping when it was convenient for them but will happily judge the individuals that lined up on Boxing Day because they couldn’t have their ideal Christmas. Hypocrisy is not a good look.

I missed my loved ones, my extended family, the aunts, uncles, and cousins to my kids. The parties and get togethers that sometimes are our only chances to mingle with people in our worlds that we don’t often see. I missed everything about our ‘Normal’ Christmas but I am not about to let that ruin mine this year.

Could we have made different choices earlier this year to ensure we could get together for Christmas? Yes. Did we, no. Is it just as important to ensure our Health Care system doesn’t get overloaded now as it was in April, yes. Are people struggling and tired of the up, down, all around – for sure! Do you really think there is someone out there enjoying this? Really ?!?

I’m choosing to focus on the small joys for the Holidays, like when my mom said to me how chill and relaxed this holiday was because there was no pressure of a big group or get together. The relaxed atmosphere of not rushing from house to house, trying to ensure that you show up so everyone feels like you care about them.

Christmas to me has always been about giving. Being a generous as possible whether that is gifts, time, thoughts, or care. 2020 was the year where we could have all been a bit more generous – and not in any monetary way but in spirit.

In spirit of the Festivus meal, I hope you were able to enjoy something delicious this week. Whether it was a turkey or ham, Chinese take out or pizza. We had the traditional meals of perogies on Christmas Eve and Turkey on the 25th. Over the next week/month my goal will be to support more local restaurants – ordering take out (trying to avoid the 3rd party services) and including a tip. I challenge you to take the opportunity to try something new. Connect with friends in the industry and try to support where they work specifically. We have made a point of ordering every other week (for a while, every week) from a downtown noodle house, it’s almost embarrassing when the Hostess recognizes my voice to the point where she knows my order. Almost embarrassing but more heart warming than anything. Make those connections, I promise your life will be fuller because of them.

My local Sobeys had tons of prepared food bank provision bags available in different denominations from $8-15, yours might too. If you haven’t been able to have a meal, my hope is that you reach out. Pride is not something that will feed you. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness.

Feats of Strength – can we all agree that just surviving this year is a major feat of strength.

If you had hard moments this year. If you had doubts on life, on your connections, on your worth but you are still here, that is a feat of strength. You may have had to invent your resilience, you may be faking it but in that you are making it.

For me my relationship is in a good spot, we struggled a lot at the beginning of this year. We postponed our wedding, trying to figure out our roles within the pandemic was hard but we reached out to get counselling and have committed to communicating. We are stronger because of it.

Our family has survived – spending every waking moment together in our home or close to. We had a great summer, and are lucky to live so close to incredible outdoor escapes. We have made the most of our time together, slowing down. Our evening which would normally be packed with activities for the kids instead focused on dinner together and doing something as a family.

Thankfully I got back into my fitness routine prior to the new lockdown and I have committed to 50 days of Movement (currently on Day 9).

So tonight I’ll be raising a glass to everyone. Come air your grievances, share your feats of strength with me and tell me all about your holidays. Next week will be focused on a new year and a shift in focus on the value of gratitude or FOMO.

Values and how they relate to your COVID-19 Response

I have spent the last few weeks trying to dive into our personal values. What are our individual values, how did our values get formed and prioritizing them. I want to now address how our values relate to our individual COVID-19 responses. How they are shaping our own opinions on what measures should be taken to prevent further harm?

Maybe your response is steeped in experience, or perhaps it is tainted in fear or with the knowing and seeing how COVID is devastating. Everyone’s experience is different, some have lost jobs, others have seen the loss of life, some have lost hope, giving up on coming together to beat this.

There are so many different facets to how every individual might look at COVID-19 and it’s not always necessarily that everyone’s values are different but how they define those values are what is making the response so different.

The values that I want to specifically look at in my post today are life, generosity and freedom. There are many more values that apply to how each of us has responded to COVID, but I believe these three are foundational and can be expanded to others.

Let’s start with valuing LIFE – what does that mean to you? What do you see as LIFE? Where does it start? When should it end? Are you a Quality over Quantity person?

The reason why valuing life is so important in the discussion of COVID-19 is that it requires you to define what life is worthy of protecting. If I was to have a candid conversation with anyone I would be open to the fact that I am pro-choice, I believe in quality of life, I believe in protecting the lives of others even at the cost of inconveniencing myself.

The way these values have played out in my life is that when evaluating pro-choice vs pro-life. I take a step back and see what quality of life would a child potentially have if born to a mother that may be considering their options. The reality of the world we live in, is that women and girls are not always given the support needed in order to provide a healthy family environment to raise a child. We do not have the social programs to support them if they do not have their own familial ones to step in, whether it’s by providing financial means, or the emotional or practical support such as availability to watch a child while they look for work or housing. What if the mother does not have the emotional or mental well-being it takes to foster the optimal learning and growth environment because they have their own unresolved trauma. This is where my pro-choice stance has developed.

I have a hard time reconciling pro-life supporters that do not support every social program, as well as one that does not support every lockdown measure possible. For why is the life of an embryo is more sacred than that of the elderly. I have a hard time reconciling those that believe the lockdown measures for long term care facilities is barbaric but don’t make the time or effort to visit their family when it is possible.

I believe in quality of life, meaning that one should be able to live their life to the fullest extent that they wish, within means and ability. My father had a really bad fall 12 years ago and my sibling who was his POA at the time tried to convince me that he needed long term care. My father is fiercely independent and I believe he needed to still be able to live on his own to not deteriorate mentally. He was able to manage on his own for 8 more years prior to a cognitive decline, and further health issues (two broken hips) that eventually did force him into long term care.

To me the quality of life part was that he could still do his daily morning swim, he could travel as often as he wished and that he didn’t have someone dictating (which is a necessary factor of care facilities) when or what he ate or where he’d go. I recognize that his life now is not as full as it was before entering care, that is just a fact. He is in one of the best facilities I can imagine, he has his own room, has developed relationships with the care staff and is well looked after. But a large part of his quality of life came from independence, which he no longer has.

For the past three years since he entered long term care I have said that I feel selfish wanting him to keep living since I want my children to have a chance to know him. Selfish because I know he has lost such a big part of what he loved about life. When COVID-19 first came about I genuinely thought well, this might be an ok way for him to go. To die by the flu or an illness when you are in your later years (remembering he is 90 yrs old now) vs getting cancer or dying of starvation because you are lacking the will to keep going seems more humane to me.

I also admittedly have adopted the belief that when and how we die is out of our control. That is not to say that we don’t mitigate our risks but that I believe you are going to meet your maker at some cosmic time. I have adopted this stance to help reconcile all the unnecessary deaths that occur all the time. There are far too many children that die for me to be able to hold any other belief.

How does valuing generosity come into a COVID response? Well generosity is the root of caring for others over ourselves, to be kind and generous. This means that COVID has forced us to be generous and this isn’t as easy for some as it is others.

If you are asking what exactly do you mean, to me I look at the Lockdowns. I am fortunate enough that my work has not been impacted by the lockdowns. My main job went to working online seamlessly; there are some bumps for sure, things that take longer and no team or in-person meetings but generally seamless. The lockdowns still took a toll on our family dynamic and relationships. I had to postpone a wedding this year, had to try and navigate homeschooling, parenting and working all while not getting any personal space. It was and is hard; it’s taxing mentally, emotionally and physically.

The lockdown measures are in place again, I believe, because we ran into people losing their ability to be generous with their care for others. The first lockdown put a strain on so many people that once lifted those that honestly struggle, naturally with being generous became reckless, grounding their belief that they gave up enough so now it was their turn to get. A fact of our society is that there are givers and there are takers. Some genuinely struggle with generosity, they only give when they believe they are getting something in return, this is not true generosity.

The lockdown measures also force us to be generous to those that are at a higher risk of complications from an infection even though most of us would be ok if we were infected. This is a bigger struggle to accept for those lacking generous spirit, and because of that, individuals are looking to rationalize their risk taking as acceptable by adopting the belief that pre-existing conditions are in someone’s control. The obese, the people that smoke, the high blood pressure, the Type-2 diabetes people, these people just didn’t take care of themselves. Anyone with those conditions can, and should, eliminate themselves from the equation, so the rest of us can keep living. What about those with cancer, kidney disease, COPD, Pregnancy, immunocompromised, asthmatic, cystic fibrosis. Ok well maybe not those people but…

In order to go back to living life with some semblance of normalcy we need everyone to be generous. We need those that are uncomfortable with masks to accept that they work, not perfectly, but they provide some protection to your germs spreading. Let me be clear, I don’t love mask wearing either, but I do accept that my germs won’t spread, at least definitely not as easily, if I’m wearing a mask. My exact words to our event coordinator when choosing to postpone our wedding was that if I had to look out at sea of masks vs smiles on my wedding day I would just be sad. This coming August I am getting married no matter what, it might mean people are in masks, it might mean there is no dance, it might mean it’s just me, Coulman and the kids. I am ok with that now because I know that I wouldn’t want to cause even one death from a super-spreader event. My value of protective others is higher than that not wanting to wear a mask.

Let’s talk about Freedom – like LIFE, what does Freedom mean to you? Is it financial Freedom that is most important to you? Is is bodily Freedom? Is it the ability to make your own decisions? Or is it rooted in not having to think of anyone else before thinking of yourself?

I very much value Freedom. I am not a sheep and believe that anyone that knows me would agree that I am anything but. I question everything, just like I am questioning you now. To me Freedom is the ability to live my values. Take work, I worked in an industry that I loved for two decades. The industry and my personality were not great fit, I wasn’t free to be myself. My expectations were too high, my emotions too raw, my delivery too strong. So I looked for a position where I could be me, one where accountability, service, intelligence are valued. I had the Freedom to do so because I value things like empathy, service and compassion more so than wealth, status and conformity. I had Freedom because I had a degree, a variety of work experience, a supportive partner and ex-husband, and my privilege.

Freedom to me, doesn’t mean that I don’t follow rules or order. Freedom to me, doesn’t mean that I do whatever I want. Freedom to me, means living my values. What are your values?

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how people are seeing mask wearing as infringing on their Freedoms. For one, if everyone wore masks and we sacrificed large gatherings for smaller ones, stayed masked, socially distanced we would still be able to run our economy which in large part seems to be the concern with lockdowns. So if you don’t want a lockdown than masks and vaccines should be the answer. They are rooted in science, in facts and are meant to enable you to enjoy your Freedom.

But it’s not Freedom, or it definitely is not my vision Freedom. The Freedom that anti-maskers or anti-vaccine individuals are talking about is one rooted in that no one can tell them what to do. It’s rooted in petulance and selfishness, the exact opposite of generosity. It’s the ingrained self centric view of Me before the We. Any individual that is reasonable understands why masks exist. They understand that if they have a medical condition that provides an exemption, it is their responsibility to provide that information. I am also cautious when it comes vaccines and want to understand more before taking one. I trust science though and am grateful to those willing to take the first rounds. Vaccines will provide Freedom from lockdowns, this is something that is true and you need to decide which value you want to prioritize. To think that everyone should to bend to your needs has nothing to do with Freedom and everything to do with your idea of self and values.

Is your Quality of Life rooted in the ability to buy things and to g out? Is your idea of a valuable life one that is your’s or only one similar? Do you believe those that earn more money have more value to society? When you give, do you expect something in return? Is your Freedom tied to never following rules?

I know I am just scratching the surface here. I was feeling really overwhelmed with the topic but wanted to get these thoughts out. Mainly because this next three weeks we are going to be home with family. We have at least 3 more weeks of lockdown. We can choose to either make the best and most of it or we can continue down a negative spiral.

If you are feeling alone, reach out to anyone, myself included. Reach out to those you love or those you are just meeting. If you have the support of others, reach out to those that you know might not. Focus on life, make the most of what you have while being generous in spirit and thankful for our freedoms.

Living Your Values: How did they come to be and how do they apply?

I realize the order in which I am writing might not make sense and if I actually sit down one day to suss out a book I may need to make things a bit more orderly, but for now it’s go with the flow. I am good with asking you to think critically, before first asking or explaining where your values may have been founded.

It’s kind of like a Ferris Wheel when we start looking at a value, you get to the top and realize we need to pick up some more information before going back round again. The information we need to collect this time is what do you believe helped found your values and how do you apply them in your day to day life.

Our lenses are shaped by our education, relationships and experiences. You may or may not be willing or able to see through another’s lens, your metaphorical pupil is constricted. You may or may not be able to even identify your own lens and how it was shaped, suffering from something like a self astigmatism, your vision of yourself is blurred. Privilege often blurs our vision.

We will adopt or aim to share the values of those around us, our parents, our extended families, our friends or partners, teammates, co-workers, etc. But when was the last time you actually stopped to see if those values aligned with you and what you prioritize in your life.

I once managed a Customer Service Desk, and in my position I had to do a job analysis for the staff and myself. I needed to take all the different tasks we did in a day, a week, a month and put them together, then divide into a corresponding percentage out of the time spent in total. It was a great activity because it made me really break down exactly what everyone did in a day and/or what I thought should be getting done.

I like to use the same thought process when evaluating my life, my decisions and where to go next. And again this applies to my values – as mentioned in previous posts I’m not the simplest of people. I have a lot of energy, very passionate and can be intense. I am also extremely sensitive, loud and blunt. All these characteristics make me a Love or Hate person, not a lot of people would say they feel indifferent towards me and I’m ok with that.

It took me a long time to be ok with it though. It’s not easy knowing that you are unliked or misunderstood. The thing that has always recentered me is looking to my values, and was I living by them. Because, like everyone I’m an imperfect person, I didn’t always live my values and that’s when I hurt myself the most. When I was trying to live to someone’s else’s view of who I should be or what I should want.

While trying to live another’s values is when I was focused on Beauty. I have a whole slew things to say about Beauty vs. Fitness vs. Health, all different values, but that will have to wait for it’s own post. I used to get the three confused as interchangeable but they are not. Because I was confused, I rooted a lot of self-worth with the Beauty and standards of others vs my own. I always failed because I actually value being low maintenance over being put together, I value being natural over being done up. I really like treats, they make me happy, genuinely – like candy, baking, the occasional pop, these bring me joy. So in trying to limit them to be happy within someone else’s values always made me sad.

When I reframed my value to what it actually was, I am happier because I know that I live a life true to my values of Health and Balance. One that allows me to still like nice things and to dress up or care about how I look but focused on Health. Meaning I workout now mostly because I want to feel good vs look good. It gets my energy out, it helps me focus vs trying to just achieve a certain weight or look. Because I have three young kids, work one (often two) jobs and have other commitments, I need Balance over Focus. The entire pandemic I have also revelled that my at work, life is not being judged on how I look but rather my output. I realized trying to value Beauty, hurt me so I have let it go.

I believe we often state values we wish we held, or ones that we think we ‘should’ have. The thing about ‘should’s is that, they aren’t reality. If you are constantly trying to live a value that you misinterpret or claim but don’t hold you will feel empty.

People will say they value Equality but won’t stand up against systems or people in power because they are scared of losing their place in their world. This is the ranking of Self Preservation over Equality. Not many are open enough to recognize that ranking, because Equality is a virtuous value. Being someone that doesn’t value Self Preservation has hurt me because I often have to start over or I shoot myself in the foot in many a situation. I have had to start over in my career several times because I could not reconcile organizational values with my own. Whether it’s been being ‘nice’ or ‘well liked’ over competent or being ‘realistic’ over being fair. It’s never been easy but if I ever wonder what if, I know in my heart, I am good because I made my decisions based on my values of Integrity, Competence and Fairness.

Hard work is something I value greatly, my parents worked until 70 and almost 70 years old. My Father worked while starting a family and going to Medical School. I was brought up believing that if you worked hard, you would succeed. Recently my eyes have been opened not only to the fact that people see hard work very differently but that it is not a precursor to success. Until recently I was lucky enough to never experience a world where people equated the amount of money you made to how hard you work. These two things are not necessarily related, this is a fact. Some of the hardest working people I know make minimum wage. They do the jobs that we often take for granted. They have proven to be essential workers, yet they are often treated with the least respect. On the flip side some of the people I know make the most money, although they take risks, they work the least. I have realized that simply working hard doesn’t lead to success because others value status, or wealth, or superiority over actual work.

My value for hard work is still high but it now comes behind my values for Compassion and Empathy. Before judging someone’s ability to work hard, I first look at their capacity, meaning what else is going on in their life, what are they actually capable of and lack of resources they have access to. Some people have a greater output than others, some are just better at certain tasks than others, this has little to nothing to do with how hard they are actually working. Privilege, natural talent, access all factor in too.

People will say they value ‘Small Business’ over ‘Big Box’ but if you asked where they shopped this week the greater number would have admit to Costco, Amazon or Superstore. Of course we want to see our neighbours succeed and to support those we know but do you actually? How I put this into practice is that I shop at my local Sobeys, a franchise vs Superstore. I know I pay a little more for certain items, and I’m ok with that, because the Owner/Operator is wonderful. He asks after my kids every time I see him in the store and his front line staff do as well, they are patient and engage my kids when with me. I aim to make my big purchases, loading up on a month of cereal, on the first Tuesday of the month in order to take advantage of the 15% discount. Is it convenient, no. Is it easy, no. Does it mean that I pay more for some things, yes. Does it align with my value of Service, yes. It could be that you value ‘Getting a Deal’ over Service. It could be that your family struggled with money growing up so you value ‘Frugality’ or the necessity for ‘Thriftiness’. Maybe it’s that you value having more over having enough.

If you have shared something about how our new restrictions have affected small business in your city or across the globe – which I have seen many do so on Facebook recently – please review where you make your purchases. I am not judging the person that can not afford to shop anywhere other than Walmart or Superstore, some don’t have access to transit or funds so they are limited in their choices. I am not talking to those, I see them and know how difficult it is right now and possibly always to make these choices. I am not even judging the individuals that will have trees still overflowing with presents to open and have no struggle in having a big meal on Christmas day. I am only asking – Have you posted about small business and lockdown measures? What percentage of you purchases came from a small business vs big box? Did you try supporting a local business before going to the mall or large store? Did you even think of giving a non-profit membership or donation as a gift instead, bought a pass to Heritage Park, the Zoo or a local Recreation centre? Are you living your outwardly stated values?

At my work I had a coworker that made a list of small businesses that we would recommend supporting. I suggested adding the Zoo or Heritage park and she called them charities and that our Giving Campaign might be the better fit. However purchasing a membership or a service is not charity. Her value in this instance, in my view, was commerce over community.

What I am imploring you to do in the interim is to take your top values and identify where they are rooted. Why do you believe you have these values and how do you live them within you every day life. Living your values helps lead to resilience. Comment on your values here and let me know where they are founded.

Values: Who you are and how you Define yourself

UPDATE: Below is the Original Blog Post from November 2020 – I have recorded a podcast to coordinate with it with an Intro to the Blog and some additional thoughts. My aim is to write the final two Beauty, Health and Fitness in the coming weeks with a podcast to accompany old posts and then larger Full topic podcasts. Let me know what you think!

I have taken a long break from writing. I started a new job last spring and it became all consuming between that, the kids and just life – I just couldn’t make time. I have also been trying to refocus and reset. I needed to get some clarity on where to go and how to tackle all the things swirling around in my head.

On top of all that, 2020 has been a year for the books.

I wanted a unifying theme, partly to keep myself focused and the other part was because it will hopefully help keep you, the reader, engaged.

The theme that runs through all my thoughts is Values. What are you personal values? How do you live your values? How do you judge others by your values? When was the last time you reassessed and realigned what is important, both to you and in the grandeur scheme of the world.

The reason I kept coming back to values is that I keep reading about people living their most ‘authentic’ lives but when diving into their socials or words find that their proclaimed values are not aligned with stated views or actions. I believe whole heartedly, that living your values, being open and honest about them provides a better sense of self. With a better sense of self, you are more open to others and open to possibility, living a better life.

Take some time and write out as many of your personal values as you can think of. If you are stuck, just google personal values and a bunch of stuff will come up and give you an idea of where to start. You might be wondering now, well if I can just google why should I keep reading. Really all I can offer is my personal reflections and how I apply my values to situations. How I re-evaluate, make decisions and act accordingly. Hopefully by sharing you might find value and application in your own life.

Some of my values are – Strong work ethic, Generosity, Creativity, Balance, Health, Sustainability, Caring, Kindness, Collaboration, Independence, Open-Mindedness, Directness, Candor, Optimism, Freedom, Security, Courage, Efficiency, Boldness.

For others Values can include – Faith, Wealth, Status, Calmness, Even Temper, Quiet, Aesthetics, Carefulness, Humour, Cleanliness, Modesty, Mastery, Beauty, Consistency, Perfection.

The list of values can really seem endless and overwhelming for sure. What I would encourage you to do is write all the things that resonate with you, there could easily be over 100. Take your time and make a top 25, then make your top 10, think of these as your CORE values. Try to think of big life decisions and go to the top things you would need to consider when making one.

In another post I want to get into compartmentalizing values into three sections- Life, Work, Relationships but for now let’s stick with identifying your CORE values.

My top 10 CORE values, as of right now are – Fairness, Competence, Compassion, Integrity, Empathy, Innovation, Accountability, Service, Thoughtfulness, Intelligence.

The reason why I say as of right now is that some of what I would say are my COREs have changed and shifted over time, even in writing the above list I took out and replaced some things from my top 20. I used to have happiness, capability, tolerance, loyalty, motivation in my top 10 and now I don’t even know if they would be in the top 25.

The reason being that some have dropped off and/or out, is not just that others took priority, but that they directly conflicted with values I used to hold so dear. Take for example, Tolerance – I used to think it was really important to be tolerant, to tolerate everyone’s viewpoint. You see tolerating something isn’t trying to understand it, when Empathy became one of my top values, tolerance just couldn’t fit. I no longer aim to just put up with, or coexist with others or things. I want to understand them. Having empathy sometimes means that I no longer tolerate certain things, such as prejudice, racism or sexism. I used to accept that some people are just ignorant, but in a world in which we can research at the tip of our fingers there is no excuse anymore. Empathy has led me to understand why someone might hold their misguided beliefs but it has also given me the resolution that right matters.

A second example of resetting values was after I had kids. I was once told that after having kids work wouldn’t mean as much to me. This did not happen, maybe it’s not what they meant to say but what did happen was that my value of Strong Work ethic had to also work with a new value of Balance. I need to Balance my commitments to not just myself and my partner but also my children and the work it takes to be an engaged, supportive parent. I still have a Strong Work ethic and that has flowed into how I parent. Stronger Work ethic just looks different now, it has been replaced with Balance in the tiers of my values.

Other examples include integrity replacing honesty, thoughtfulness bumping generosity, compassion over perfection.

Being able to rank your values is important when it comes to your decision making process. Clearly articulating why you make a certain decision and how that decision aligns with your values will make it more clear to not just others but yourself as to why a certain path might need to be taken.

As usual I feel like I can keep going on however I think this is where we end today. We have started our journey down the rabbit hole of values, who we are and how we will define ourselves. I hope you will continue to join me, build resilience in being open and honest with what you value in life. Until next week….

Tag: inventingresilience