To say that 2025 has been a bit rough would be an understatement. The amount of emotional upheaval, unprecedented events, and just general shit is unreal. Every where we look is pain, cruelty, and greed. With many choosing to ostrich, sticking their heads in the sand to avoid looking at it too closely.
I have been resistant to trying any kind of mood or mental health medication for a really long time. I have tried several times, not once, not twice, but three times to get diagnosed with a neurodivergent status, either ADHD or autism or something because I never seemed to quite fit in this world. Never has anything come to fruition, whether it’s from years of masking or something else.
I am and have always been inherently sensitive. I can remember being in grade one and seeing Jane Goodall at the Jubilee auditorium, speaking about her time with the chimpanzees,; her experience, the poaching, the deforestation and the horrors that were happening at the time. I was crying, wailing, maybe even hysterical (as a 6 year old would be) and I remember this woman asking my mom if she could just shut me up; I turned to the lady and seethed – what is wrong with you, why aren’t you crying too?
I strongly believe that there are things in life that are unfair, like cancer or natural disasters but it’s our job to make things that should be fair, fair. (A future topic to dive into)
I feel deeply and that’s OK, my fear and hesitation to starting any kind of medication was because I think of my caring deeply, as a positive. Recently while walking with a good friend, I was reminded that one might even say it’s my superpower. It’s what helps me make genuine connections and what likely fuels my ‘high functioning anxiety’.
Why is it OK for people to say that I’m too much, that I care too much or I should stop thinking of others but I would never be able to say you’re not enough. Why is one considered rude and the other is fine. We live in a world where the reality is that far too often people would rather get away with doing as little as possible, while getting out as much as they can from a situation or another person; that’s not me.
My fear of starting any kind of medication was that I would lose a part of myself that I really love. I love that I care so much, and that I can feel all the feels, as inconvenient as it can be. Much to the chagrin of my mom, I have said that if there was more people like me in the world, we would be better off and I feel like that’s true.
I believe that if everyone allowed themselves to be uncomfortable, to feel their feelings, to hold the feelings of others and to try and have compassion in difficult times, we would all benefit. It would be much harder to look the other way when we see injustice. The attitude of, violence is just the way it is, would no longer be accepted. The moving through pain to get on the other side with a deeper understanding of how to fix these large scale systemic issues would be possible. The long and short of it is it takes strength to feel.
I am not naive or self deluded enough to think that I have all or even any of the answers, but what I do know is when I’ve embraced discomfort I’ve gained resilience and clarity. I was worried I would lose that with medication, that I would be numb.
So often when we talk about needing medication, it’s to fix a deficit one might have. As noted, I don’t see my caring as a lacking, but in March when I had a exceptionally tough day at work; I basically spent the entire day in intermittent tears and I woke up the next day feeling the same, I knew something needed to give. I scheduled an appointment for a week later with my GP to talk about options.
My doctor knows my reluctance to use medicine of any sort; I’m a get lots of sleep, drink litres of orange juice when you’re sick kind of girl. So when I brought up that I thought I needed something for anxiety, he asked if there was anything in my life I could change first.
Could I quit my job? Could I get more help around the house? Could my kids be in less programs?
The answer was no, I’ve spent the last 6 years focused on learning and excelling in a new industry. We don’t have the extra income to pay for consistent help. I value my kids extra curricular activities and truth be told still habour some resentment around my own early specialization. So no, not a lot could change and I just needed to stop crying all the time.
The additional piece is the world – I value being informed and do not want to put blinders on to the world around me. The genocide in Gaza, the terror experienced by Jews around the world, school shootings, the removal of DE&I, the over turning of Roe vs Wade, and people recording/sharing executions online, these will not change easily or soon. Not to mention those in my home province wanting to separate from Canada, believing in lies that privatization makes things better but somehow not more expensive. These are all out of my control – my influence is limited, but my caring is not, so something needed to give.
My GP spent some time going over options, from fast acting, short term to longer, build up in your system more regular. Some that also were considered or combined with an anti depressant, which I didn’t think I needed because I’m not one to feel sad without reason. I mean who wouldn’t be sad looking at where we are at. What I am or was is overwhelmed.
I couldn’t get past the constant thoughts of why we are where we are; why was I willing to beat my head on a wall for people who could give two shits about anyone outside their ‘inner circle’; how people don’t see that systems are broken for most and good for few. Overwhelmed at the hypocrisy in the world. I watched a video recently with Simon Sinek talk about how everyone thinks of themselves as the good guy, even the villains. People don’t inherently want to be bad, it’s their values and unquestionable belief in them that has them seeing themselves as good. This is something I know but at times find hard to believe when actions are so opposite words, hence the overwhelm (you can see my overthinking here).
My mind is still going but what’s left is a feeling that I can handle it better.
You know when you see someone public speaking and their whole neck, face and arms start going red because of nerves…even if you couldn’t see it on me, that’s how I felt a lot of the time. When I make even a small mistake, miss an email, have a typo, or any performance review – I feel the heat creep on my skin, I’d start sweating, the reaction is visceral. What my anti-anxiety meds have given me is the ability to stay laser focused in those moments.
Do I still get a pit in my stomach? Sure. But I also have the ability to think more clearly and articulate my thoughts without having my emotions come through as much. I can react to an issue immediately, and not just after the fact, to myself, when I’ve had time to think everything through.
I was worried when in the first couple of weeks I felt like I couldn’t cry. That just wouldn’t do; as long as I have lived crying has been cathartic. But after my body grew accustomed to the meds, took about a month, I found myself left with all the feels, clarity and tears at just the right moments (either overjoyed or sad).
I still don’t see anxiety as a deficit or something needed to be fixed because it’s not a lacking but an extra. Going on medication has felt like wearing glasses at night because of my astigmatism – it just clears up the glare.
Medication is not the right fit for everyone and might not be the right fit for you but one thing I have learned is that it doesn’t take anything away if you don’t let it. It has been a gift.
All of this to say, if you’ve ever considered medication, I would advocate engaging a professional. Talk to a counsellor or psychologist, learn about yourself, what you might want to lose or gain and about the medicinal/lifestyle options to help. The goal shouldn’t be to numb yourself but to discover what works for you to feel your feels and put goodness into action.
Because if we all our feels – the world could be better for it, I know mine is.
Let me know your thoughts or share your own journey below.
