Accountability: Why it builds Resilience and Saves us from A**holes

*Pardon my language in this post as those that know me, know I have a bit of a potty mouth and it comes out on this one for sure.*

Accountability is something that comes up a lot in my home… having three young children, ages 3, 5 and 8 – it is a massive learning process to ensure they understand what accountability is, and how it applies to their lives.

I am adamant as a parent that my children believe in this value. I believe as parents, if we fail to set Accountability as a value within our children than we are not doing our jobs. On a side note my whole goal as a parent is to raise functional, contributing members of society. And what that looks like to me is raising someone who becomes an adult with good self esteem, a strong sense of self and personal conviction, someone with integrity (which requires accountability) and someone that gives back to their community.

When we don’t raise our children to be accountable, what happens? Well, they become self centred, hypocritical victims of the world around them. They become in short, Assholes. Yes, I realize that is exceptionally harsh sounding but it is true.

A caveat that when holding anyone Accountable, it is essential to be specific and to acknowledge your own personal perspective or lens that may skew the vision of events. Remember Facts Matter. What was said or done is more important when holding someone Accountable than your personal feelings. I say this, not because feelings don’t matter in my example below I take Accountability to another’s feelings but Facts are more important in Accountability because if we accept the refusal of fact, we can erase History.

I have worked over two decades with youth in what often was their first job, and have taught countless courses related to leadership training. I have had many a conversation with a parent that made excuses for the child either being late, not getting their work done, or not meeting a standard. The intention was good, to support their child, but the result taught their child that they did not need to take responsibility for their actions or lack there of. This in turn leads to a longer, harder road for the child in question because at some point (unless they hold strong privilege, which often they did) their child would experience a job, a course, a relationship where someone could no longer make excuses for them.

Let’s start with the idea of failing. Nobody likes to fail, nobody likes to feel like they are failing – these are facts. When we as humans do something sub-par, less than our best, or just plain wrong it doesn’t feel good; simply put, it feels bad to fuck up. Another fact is that everyone fails at some point in their life. So not learning from those failures ends up in us doing a continual loop of bad actions, behaviour and not growing.

When we fail, or do wrong – we have an opportunity to grow, however we can only grow if we are held accountable for our words and actions. It’s human nature to want to forget or minimize what we do when wrong, again, it feels bad to fuck up.

As parents we often want to protect our kids and this leads us to doing things like calling in sick for them at work, blaming teacher’s for our kids poor behaviour or lack of ability, or worse excusing dangerous behaviour as phases. If parents did a better job of holding their kids accountable, then we would have far more adults willing to do so as well.

I’ll give you an example of someone I had in a leadership class, the candidate was extremely strong in the knowledge aspect of the course, however did not have the physical strength to complete the requirements necessary. The course lead to a certification where the individual would be responsible for the safety of others and the physical requirements were directly related to their ability to do this job safely. The student when speaking with me, seemed to understand why it was important to complete the skills. We took extra time to work one on one, and with another participant to try and gain the strength. Their parents however chose to push and take the perspective that I was the issue, that I didn’t want their child to succeed. So instead of helping their child learn resilience through the failure; they fought, tried to show their child that the guidelines should not apply to them, got additional support and evaluation only to have their child fail again. In the courses I teach it is essential for people to acknowledge and learn from their mistakes. I, too had to learn from this experience because the communication from the candidate and myself had no hint of such misunderstanding. I now have a plan to acknowledge this in future classes to hopefully provide a safer space for students to share.

I could take the perspective that the candidate was two faced, that they just really didn’t want to face their own inability, that I did everything I could but that wouldn’t allow me to grow. My growth is coming from acknowledging that my message was lost, that I could do better in the future, that I will try to do better.

It is not possible for every person to be successful in everything. Read that again. It is impossible for us to be successful at everything. It is impossible for us to be perfect. Knowing this helps with Accountability, because it’s not as scary to admit we are struggling or failing, if we understand that the vast majority are doing the same, right along with us.

I have written my last few posts on privilege, representation and the values of wealth, status and power. The reason Accountability is so important to loop in, is that there is a misapplication of Accountability to marginalized people. An ideal of capitalism, that anyone can make something of themselves, does not factor in that the playing field isn’t even. It misplaces accountability on those without privilege, without representation, without wealth, status or power. It makes it so the oppressors need not take any accountability, and that those being oppressed do.

How is it possible to believe that those placed in a position with less resources, access to education, and opportunities are to be more accountable than those keeping them there. This premise directly applies to how white supremacy shows up in our lives without us even be conscious to it.

I want to take the example in Canada and how we treat the Indigenous. I was born, raised and still live in Calgary. I lived with fairly liberal parents (as liberal as Alberta gets), I read early, went to good schools, I should have been taught about Residential schools but I wasn’t. I was not aware of the existence of Residential schools until I was 28 years old. When I was first told my reaction was quite literally disbelief. I told my friend there was no way the Canadian government would do that. How could parents let their kids be taken away? It just wasn’t possible – I had to look up the Truth and Reconciliation commission and went down the rabbit hole of just exactly what had happened. That these ‘schools’ were open until 1996, when I would have been 13.

The purpose of Residential schools was to ‘kill the Indian in the child’; it was to abolish the Indigenous culture by isolating the children from their parents, their homes, their tradition, culture and heritage. To force assimilation to the dominant (white) culture. In contrast, as a white child I was taught that we, as in Canada, were a country that was a mosaic, one that embraced all cultures. We were led to believe that we were not a melting pot like the United States. That all religions, races and beliefs were important. I was taught this without ever being told that the exact opposite applied to the Indigenous in our country.

If I am starting to sound upset, it is, because I am. I remember the white hot shame I felt when I discovered everything that occurred and the misconception I had of our nation. The story we had been told, and if it was up to some politicians/historians (looking at you, Jason Kenney and Chris Champion), would still be told was that Residential schools and their lasting effects were not/are not that bad or perhaps not bad at all. There has been a recommendation to take the information out of school curriculum for younger ages, that these children wouldn’t be capable of understanding what happened. Residential schools directly affected the lives of 150,000 Indigenous youth, and generations to come after, approximately 6,000 children died in Residential schools. I would say it is more than appropriate that my children learn about what happened, how and why these schools were allowed to operate, given that they were compulsory for Indigenous children to attend at age 7.

My biggest issue with the idea of possibly taking what occurred in Residential schools out of our curriculum is that it would diminish our Accountability. We, as in white people, did that, or allowed that, or allowed ourselves to be ignorant of that. In not taking Accountability, we wrote a different narrative on the struggles of the Indigenous, one that places entirely their circumstances and any difficulties in their lives on their own shoulders.

Why is it that we can be more empathetic towards a wealthy, white drug addict? Or young, white youth breaking into facilities and injuring themselves, than we can an entire group of individuals that were subjected to years of abuse (physical, mental and emotional). Less empathy to an entire group being told that who they were born to be (culturally, language, etc.) was bad or lesser than. Perhaps it is because we haven’t been taught that we need to take ownership of the results of our actions and their long lasting effects.

In growing up, because I was so privileged and unaware I didn’t understand why Black people were still saying things like white people are racists, because I myself had never met someone my age that was racist. To me there weren’t any more slaves so what was the deal. I genuinely didn’t understand all the longstanding effects of slavery, land ownership, red-lining and the systems put in place to continually hold back an entire race. Not to mention the corrupt Justice system and all the Police brutality that they have been subjected to. That racism was still steeped in our waters. When we think of Accountability it is hard to understand that it’s not just about what we do personally, but also what we aren’t doing.

When learning about the Holocaust and the rise of the Nazi party in Germany it was easy to see how the us vs them group think got out of control. FacingHistory.org does an excellent job exploring this topic and I highly recommend checking them out.

Taking a look at what is happening in the United States and the recent attempted coup/Insurrection and the resulting lack of Accountability for those that led the charge, fed the words and created, enabled an environment that led to such violence is almost unbelievable. It is as though we have learned nothing from the past, or more so those that read about the past, took completely different lessons than what they should. Those that voted to not impeach Trump, to not hold him Accountable are doing so because they too, do not want to be Accountable for their own actions.

Yet those very same people believe that marginalized individuals need to be accountable for their actions. That a rape victim must continue to carry a fetus of their rapist because of ‘God’s will’. They protect a system that jails a teenager and holds them without trial for 3 years for allegedly stealing a backpack. The system that believes a young, white male, that excels at sports deserves a 6 months sentence for sexual assault because of their character, but that a Black athlete guilty of the same crime is sentenced to 15-25 years. A system that allows white people to shoot innocent black joggers on video with no charges for months. A system that allows a white cop to murder a Black suspect, caught on camera, for an alleged counterfeit $20 bill. Accountability only applies to those they wish to hold power over, their lens is dirty.

In Europe there are many memorials about the Holocaust in hopes of never going down that road again. Memorials to help keep us Accountable to the 6 million Jews and millions of other lives lost for the name of status and power. We teach history to learn from it, to change our societies and shape our world to a better place.

I would argue that not wanting to teach Residential schools to our children is an attempt to not take Accountability to the damage we have done. To continue to paint our world and that of Indigenous people into blurry visions of history.

Accountability stems into so many factors in our lives from Oil and Gas companies being Accountable for clean up of their sites and the environmental laws of the countries which they source their resources. To employers adhering to labour laws. To employees showing up on time and producing the work they are paid for. To travellers during the pandemic ensuring they get the right COVID test (hello, PCR) before heading home so they don’t get forced into quarantine. To politicians keeping their campaign promises. People try to fluff off Accountability all the time because it is hard work, that is the truth. Being Accountable for your actions is hard work, but it is worthy work.

Accountability starts young, it starts with picking up the toys that you take out, putting your own dish in the dishwasher, acknowledging when you have lied or done wrong. If we don’t teach these lessons young than we never learn them. If we are never Accountable than the whole world is a mess.

Valuing Accountability and holding each other to like standards is what is just and fair. Understanding the nuance of why someone reacted the way they did is important, like when one kids hits the other when the first one takes a toy out of their hand. Who is accountable in this situation? The child that hit arguable did the greater crime, but the child that took what didn’t belong to them was in the wrong too and wronged first. What are we to do? Hold both Accountable to the situation. But it’s not always that plain to see and understanding where each person comes from, where they grew up, how they were raised, their privilege or lack thereof gives us perspective. It’s not meant to be an excuse but it is meant to provide context, that if you were in the same situation, given the same options what would you do.

Holding people Accountable again gives the opportunity for growth, growth is where real change is possible. Right now, we need real change in our world. If you don’t like the image in the mirror when someone is holding you to your words, your actions or inactions than maybe it is time to re-evaluate your world, your values. Having integrity is matching who you are with what you believe and what you put out into the world.

Now I do say in the title that Accountability leads to resilience and it does. In the simple way of knowing that growth is possible when you take it. That no one is perfect, that is huge in resilience – holding ourselves up to perfect ideals is what drives our resilience down. Resilience in accepting yourself, for exactly who you are. Acknowledging that we are all doing our best drives empathy and resilience.

What happens if we aren’t doing our best? What if we aren’t being Accountable? Well then we are perpetually the victim of a world of our own making, and we are an Asshole. Let’s not be Assholes.

Living Your Values: How did they come to be and how do they apply?

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I realize the order in which I am writing might not make sense and if I actually sit down one day to suss out a book I may need to make things a bit more orderly, but for now it’s go with the flow. I am good with asking you to think critically, before first asking or explaining where your values may have been founded.

It’s kind of like a Ferris Wheel when we start looking at a value, you get to the top and realize we need to pick up some more information before going back round again. The information we need to collect this time is what do you believe helped found your values and how do you apply them in your day to day life.

Our lenses are shaped by our education, relationships and experiences. You may or may not be willing or able to see through another’s lens, your metaphorical pupil is constricted. You may or may not be able to even identify your own lens and how it was shaped, suffering from something like a self astigmatism, your vision of yourself is blurred. Privilege often blurs our vision.

We will adopt or aim to share the values of those around us, our parents, our extended families, our friends or partners, teammates, co-workers, etc. But when was the last time you actually stopped to see if those values aligned with you and what you prioritize in your life.

I once managed a Customer Service Desk, and in my position I had to do a job analysis for the staff and myself. I needed to take all the different tasks we did in a day, a week, a month and put them together, then divide into a corresponding percentage out of the time spent in total. It was a great activity because it made me really break down exactly what everyone did in a day and/or what I thought should be getting done.

I like to use the same thought process when evaluating my life, my decisions and where to go next. And again this applies to my values – as mentioned in previous posts I’m not the simplest of people. I have a lot of energy, very passionate and can be intense. I am also extremely sensitive, loud and blunt. All these characteristics make me a Love or Hate person, not a lot of people would say they feel indifferent towards me and I’m ok with that.

It took me a long time to be ok with it though. It’s not easy knowing that you are unliked or misunderstood. The thing that has always recentered me is looking to my values, and was I living by them. Because, like everyone I’m an imperfect person, I didn’t always live my values and that’s when I hurt myself the most. When I was trying to live to someone’s else’s view of who I should be or what I should want.

While trying to live another’s values is when I was focused on Beauty. I have a whole slew things to say about Beauty vs. Fitness vs. Health, all different values, but that will have to wait for it’s own post. I used to get the three confused as interchangeable but they are not. Because I was confused, I rooted a lot of self-worth with the Beauty and standards of others vs my own. I always failed because I actually value being low maintenance over being put together, I value being natural over being done up. I really like treats, they make me happy, genuinely – like candy, baking, the occasional pop, these bring me joy. So in trying to limit them to be happy within someone else’s values always made me sad.

When I reframed my value to what it actually was, I am happier because I know that I live a life true to my values of Health and Balance. One that allows me to still like nice things and to dress up or care about how I look but focused on Health. Meaning I workout now mostly because I want to feel good vs look good. It gets my energy out, it helps me focus vs trying to just achieve a certain weight or look. Because I have three young kids, work one (often two) jobs and have other commitments, I need Balance over Focus. The entire pandemic I have also revelled that my at work, life is not being judged on how I look but rather my output. I realized trying to value Beauty, hurt me so I have let it go.

I believe we often state values we wish we held, or ones that we think we ‘should’ have. The thing about ‘should’s is that, they aren’t reality. If you are constantly trying to live a value that you misinterpret or claim but don’t hold you will feel empty.

People will say they value Equality but won’t stand up against systems or people in power because they are scared of losing their place in their world. This is the ranking of Self Preservation over Equality. Not many are open enough to recognize that ranking, because Equality is a virtuous value. Being someone that doesn’t value Self Preservation has hurt me because I often have to start over or I shoot myself in the foot in many a situation. I have had to start over in my career several times because I could not reconcile organizational values with my own. Whether it’s been being ‘nice’ or ‘well liked’ over competent or being ‘realistic’ over being fair. It’s never been easy but if I ever wonder what if, I know in my heart, I am good because I made my decisions based on my values of Integrity, Competence and Fairness.

Hard work is something I value greatly, my parents worked until 70 and almost 70 years old. My Father worked while starting a family and going to Medical School. I was brought up believing that if you worked hard, you would succeed. Recently my eyes have been opened not only to the fact that people see hard work very differently but that it is not a precursor to success. Until recently I was lucky enough to never experience a world where people equated the amount of money you made to how hard you work. These two things are not necessarily related, this is a fact. Some of the hardest working people I know make minimum wage. They do the jobs that we often take for granted. They have proven to be essential workers, yet they are often treated with the least respect. On the flip side some of the people I know make the most money, although they take risks, they work the least. I have realized that simply working hard doesn’t lead to success because others value status, or wealth, or superiority over actual work.

My value for hard work is still high but it now comes behind my values for Compassion and Empathy. Before judging someone’s ability to work hard, I first look at their capacity, meaning what else is going on in their life, what are they actually capable of and lack of resources they have access to. Some people have a greater output than others, some are just better at certain tasks than others, this has little to nothing to do with how hard they are actually working. Privilege, natural talent, access all factor in too.

People will say they value ‘Small Business’ over ‘Big Box’ but if you asked where they shopped this week the greater number would have admit to Costco, Amazon or Superstore. Of course we want to see our neighbours succeed and to support those we know but do you actually? How I put this into practice is that I shop at my local Sobeys, a franchise vs Superstore. I know I pay a little more for certain items, and I’m ok with that, because the Owner/Operator is wonderful. He asks after my kids every time I see him in the store and his front line staff do as well, they are patient and engage my kids when with me. I aim to make my big purchases, loading up on a month of cereal, on the first Tuesday of the month in order to take advantage of the 15% discount. Is it convenient, no. Is it easy, no. Does it mean that I pay more for some things, yes. Does it align with my value of Service, yes. It could be that you value ‘Getting a Deal’ over Service. It could be that your family struggled with money growing up so you value ‘Frugality’ or the necessity for ‘Thriftiness’. Maybe it’s that you value having more over having enough.

If you have shared something about how our new restrictions have affected small business in your city or across the globe – which I have seen many do so on Facebook recently – please review where you make your purchases. I am not judging the person that can not afford to shop anywhere other than Walmart or Superstore, some don’t have access to transit or funds so they are limited in their choices. I am not talking to those, I see them and know how difficult it is right now and possibly always to make these choices. I am not even judging the individuals that will have trees still overflowing with presents to open and have no struggle in having a big meal on Christmas day. I am only asking – Have you posted about small business and lockdown measures? What percentage of you purchases came from a small business vs big box? Did you try supporting a local business before going to the mall or large store? Did you even think of giving a non-profit membership or donation as a gift instead, bought a pass to Heritage Park, the Zoo or a local Recreation centre? Are you living your outwardly stated values?

At my work I had a coworker that made a list of small businesses that we would recommend supporting. I suggested adding the Zoo or Heritage park and she called them charities and that our Giving Campaign might be the better fit. However purchasing a membership or a service is not charity. Her value in this instance, in my view, was commerce over community.

What I am imploring you to do in the interim is to take your top values and identify where they are rooted. Why do you believe you have these values and how do you live them within you every day life. Living your values helps lead to resilience. Comment on your values here and let me know where they are founded.