2023 New Years Values Focused Reset

I first started with the concept of focusing on 5 values for each year versus resolutions in 2021.

As the new year approached I notice the trend of moving away from resolutions and choosing one word to focus on for the year. One word doesn’t work for me because it’s too big, it’s too much of a focus on one thing or more so too easy to let the one thing slide when unsuccessful.

That being said whatever works for you, go for it. I advocate for values because centring your actions around values provides clarity and purpose. Clarity and purpose helps with contentedness, contentment with peace, and isn’t that what we are all searching for?

Check out my post on Values setting here – https://inventingresilience.com/2020/11/22/values-who-you-are-and-how-you-define-yourself/

The Annual Values reset doesn’t necessarily focus on a top 10 or even top 20 values, more so reflecting on the previous year and what might have been missing or could benefit from digging deeper into. The other reflection is on possible pinch points for the upcoming year and which values might help ease them.

My 5 values of focus for 2023 are –

Generosity, Growth, Compassion, Joy and Consistency

How these show up may look different day by day or month by month. With identifying the values, taking the time daily or weekly to check in and see if I’m still aligning my actions and goals with them helps with forward vision.

The values might present individually or in tandem such as Generosity and Consistency. Having set up a monthly contribution to a couple charitable organizations locally and via payroll deductions (something my company offers) I know consistent help is provided. This is a very direct correlation which might not always exist.

Generosity may show up in many forms as well, not just financial. The idea of being generous with your time, your energy and your space can be equally or more important. I have felt like I was pulling from an empty bucket for a while and so not being a generous as I would like so remembering small moments or actively finding opportunities to be is the goal.

Growth was important because the past year was huge in growth for me and I felt tired before my Holiday. I needed a break and thought maybe I’ll just take it easy for a while, it could be so good to just rest. The thing is I know I feel best when I’m continually learning and growing so my vision with this is to finish at least one course related to work and try something new. Very general and open enough for flexibility (options).

Compassion is something I try hard to apply everyday; I know there are areas where I am better at this than others. I can get frustrated with privilege and those I describe as Ostriches, people who would rather stick their head in the sand than hash it out.

I am hoping having this as a goal will continue to let me have an open mind in every interaction and if not (because I’m human and all) when I do lead with judgement instead, when doing my reflection periods (day/week) I can sprinkle in more compassion.

Joy, it may seem like a funny one but my partner suggested happiness and I said you can’t have that because it’s not tangible. Joy, joy can be tangible in moments, in memories and sometimes even in things.

So for Joy, my goal is to capture those moments as often as possible, to revel in them, slow down and savour them.

Last is Consistency- this was the last one I thought of but it fits perfectly because consistency is what will tie them all together for the year.

Consistency in my workouts (I’m currently on a 79 day streak with PILATES and movement), consistency on my rest taking, consistency on reading for pleasure, on marking those moments of Joy, and consistency in reflection.

I have spent the last decade since having my daughter feeling all over the place. I’ve worked at over 10 different employers, never one at a time and always while taking courses. I’ve spent a decade being all over the place. I’m sure there is a post in here but the point is that this year I finally feel like I can settle in a bit. I love my job, my kids are older and all in school, I’m coming out of the postpartum/post divorce fog/sadness and Consistency I’m hoping will only help in creating peace.

My last piece to Consistency, it’s a big one, is to show up here more. I’m off work for the next week, my hope is to outline 12-24 topics. Writing 1-2 per month with a corresponding podcast episode.

I started Inventing Resilience from a need to have an outlet and to fill my creative cup. Now I just need to ensure I spend the time often and consistently to always be filling the bucket.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading and please share your values of focus for the upcoming year – or your word or resolutions.

Representation Matters : Why the Inauguration was so much more than just another President

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A caution, this piece shares stories of personal reflection that might be hurtful to marginalized individuals, they are intended as examples of growth of thought and how it is not ok to follow those lines anymore.

We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one

– Amanda Gorman, The Hill We Climb

A funny thing happened to me this week while watching the inauguration, I found myself in tears, uncontrollably sobbing as times. It had nothing to do with Joe, although, truth be told having the day end with no violence gave me a much needed sigh of relief. Watching Kamala Harris, the sun shining on her face, the little sniff at the start (possibly holding back tears), the beautiful smile on her face, chin up and shoulders back – this moment was truly special and it got me. Even days later and now, I am still choked up watching it, my heart swelling at all the obstacles she overcame to get there. She is not one or two, but three firsts in American history, the first Black, the first South Asian and the first female Vice President.

I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me, a Canadian, to see a woman be sworn in as Vice President of the United States. I liken it to watching the Olympics though, that although I was never someone that could aspire to such greatness in sport I still tear up knowing everything that goes into that accomplishment. Kamala did what I wasn’t sure would be possible in my lifetime and she has opened the door for many to come after.

This doesn’t mean that it’s instantly going to be easy anyone coming after but it does mean that there is precedence. I still wait with baited breathe, as I am so well aware of the often double standard we have for women over men. There will be a magnifying glass over her, just waiting to point out any failures or ‘deficiencies’ but I have faith that she will go beyond our expectations of greatness. She may stumble but she will hold the door for so many to follow. Her triple threat of representation and her success will help pave the way for more Black, South Asian and/or females to come after and hopefully hold positions of even higher significance.

I am white, so my only tie to Kamala is that of being female and let me tell you that tie is strong. It also gave me a gift, it opened my eyes to why representation matters so much – truth be told before I intellectually understood it, but never really felt it. It’s really easy to go through life being ignorant to what it’s like to not be represented. Growing up, and still now, there is massive representation of white people in North America and globally. I grew up in a neighbourhood where we had lots of Asian/South Asian students but very little Black population. I also swam growing up, a very white sport, and had little friends (one of memory) or interactions with people of different races or even different religions except when attending public vs. catholic school.

When I say ignorant, it’s not meant to be harsh but honest. I genuinely didn’t know, and didn’t or wouldn’t put the time in to understand how it might feel if I didn’t constantly see like people around me. Whether it be coaches, or teachers, doctors, actors, those in any leadership position have always had some like connection to me. I used to think I understood because my body type isn’t the ideal, meaning I’m short and squat, thick thighs, overweight but really that’s a whole other thing. I basically cared but didn’t really care enough to push for representation of other races, cultures, etc. I didn’t have a culture of my own I felt affiliation for and because of that I didn’t/wouldn’t recognize the overwhelming representation of my race in our society and the privilege that comes with that. The reality is that people gravitate to those they feel are like them and we need to actively work against that in order to ensure proper representation is present.

I am embarrassed to tell this story but feel like it’s a good example of how ingrained, naive, ignorant the thought process can be – when Halle Bailey was selected to play Ariel in the upcoming live action version of the Little Mermaid, I got my back up. Why? I wanted someone that looked like the cartoon, some one with red hair, someone my daughter could see herself in, someone without wanting to say it, but someone white. It’s not that Halle wasn’t a wonderful singer or talented actress. She is beautiful and is sure to do a terrific job. What I had such a hard time admitting, what I would dance around, and tried not to acknowledge was the race piece. That my focus was that I wanted to my daughter to picture herself as the little Mermaid, a character I love, and if she was portrayed as Black, I was worried that maybe she wouldn’t be able to. This I have learned is white centering and is one of the systemic ways in which racism presents itself in white people.

What lies in my realization is exactly why representation matters. I was worried about my daughter being able to see herself in a role that I thought was important, but the reality is that she could just watch the cartoon and the more important reality is that Black girls don’t have the same number of opportunities to see themselves represented in the princess or lead roles. So I had to ask myself why is it more important that my daughters feels that? but not a Black child, a Latina child and Indigenous child? When you see it that way, it’s clear that it’s not more important. I was being irrational, I was minimizing the importance of representation due to my own wants and needs. I was thinking my feelings matter more than representation, and that is just wrong.

It is more important for everyone, regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, to feel as though they are represented than my own personal feelings. Everyone should have moments where their hearts swell seeing someone like them accomplish a dream.

Representation isn’t just about race – watching Amanda Gorman present her poem, The Hill We Climb, was incredibly moving. I went deep diving after, wanting to learn more about this amazing presence. I watched a few interviews, and made my daughter watch some more. You would never know that she grew up with a speech impediment. The grace and ease with which she spoke was exceptional. Being a hand talker myself, I was equally thrilled to watch the use of her whole body to express her words. By now it is known that Joe Biden himself also suffers from a stutter.

Although you may look at these two individuals and only see their success, it is important to acknowledge the struggle that comes with either of these speech afflictions. Part of human nature can be to focus on what could go wrong or how hard something might be to accomplish; in focusing on this we hold ourselves back. When we don’t have people to look up to, people that feel like us, look like us, our dreams can seem impossible. Watching Joe get his words out, taking pause when needed or Amanda lead with such grace shows all those with similar struggles that they shouldn’t allow that one thing to hinder or define them. By that I mean, that all the positions that require constant speaking, whether it be teaching, acting, spoken artist, leader, lawyer – there are so many others are now more imaginable than before; this is representation in action.

Another piece of representation that came up with Biden was in his first executive orders which included “all persons should receive equal treatment under the law, no matter their gender identity or sexual orientation”. This will help ensure that transgender individuals are protected against discrimination. It is a stepping stone to help ensure that same sex couples are entitled to the same rights and benefits as opposite sex couples. It is important because it is saying that everyone is valued and deserving of equality. Having greater protection of rights for a group that is under represented is essential to providing a safe space for these individuals.

One needs only look at the suicide stats, that 1 in 3 transgender youth attempted suicide in 2015, compared with the average population of 2.5% and more recently 1 in 20 during the pandemic (Mental Health Commission report/Canadian Mental Health Association), it is clear that we need to do a better job of ensuring transgender individuals know they are valued and cared for, by providing support and inclusion.

One of the outcries that has come out, is from groups concerned with transgender female athletes and their inclusion in Women’s sport. This has gone as far as the ridiculous hashtag #BidenErasedWomen and the claim that there is some ‘new glass ceiling’ for girls/women in Sport. Let’s just think about the hashtag for a minute, Biden Erased Women, that because his administration wants to recognize ALL women, this somehow is erasing us? Does this make sense to anyone? It’s like people are picturing a Tootsie situation, when transgender people are only trying to live true to themselves.

There are already guidelines and testing in place by the NCAA and the IOC for transgender athletes. These levels are the ones where you would think there would be concern, because of the high level of achievement. The idea that a transgender girl or woman takes away or lessens the ability of a cis-gender girl or woman to succeed, is the same line of thinking that someone else thriving or doing well makes you less likely to also succeed or do well; which I think we can all agree is nonsense.

The ability for athletes succeeding is much more based on their privilege, access to programs, parental support, their drive, their commitment and natural ability – it has little, to nothing to do with their competition.

The reality is that life for a transgender individual has enough obstacles without cis-gender people putting more on them. Being a swimmer I can only imagine just how hard it would be for a transgender athlete to be comfortable and open. The very nature of what we wear in swimming shows the entire body. It is enough pressure on individuals to fit certain ‘ideal’ body types without having the added requirement of not fitting the uniform. If someone is brave and comfortable enough with themselves to identify as being transgender than we should celebrate and welcome them, not turn them away.

I will admit when the idea first came about of allowing transgender individuals to use the bathrooms or change rooms that matched their identity I was nervous, and questioned the potential abuse/invasion of girls locker rooms. I envisioned a teenager wanting to get their kicks by claiming their preferred identity to be female, and literally in writing this out, I am hearing how absolutely absurd that line of thinking is. It would require someone to wholly commit their formative years to an identity that doesn’t match theirs. An identity, being transgender, that is often met with hostility, bullying or worse, violence. An identity that has been/can be mislabelled and/or mistreated as a mental illness. Yes, of course it would make sense that one might to pretend to be this, you know to just, to potentially see a girl undress? Yes, this sounds very logically (please note intense sarcasm). I actually was talking this point over with a friend and they mentioned that if that it’s hard to believe that this is really a concern, as many people claiming that, are the same that brush off mysogynistic locker room talk, as boys will be boys. These people tend to be the same and that messaging is completely hypocritical, so it’s really that they just don’t like, or want to try and understand transgender individuals.

The thing about the argument that transgender individuals would behave in such a way, or that there would be abuse or perversion potential comes from fear. Yes, if a grown man walked into a restroom where my 8 year old daughter was in, I would be concerned, but at that point I could accompany her. The fact is the pedophiles/abusers tend to prey closer to home but that is another discussion entirely, one that should not even come up when discussing transgender rights. The fear that people have about transgender, is that it makes them question themselves, what they know and realize how much they don’t know.

The unknown in life, the out of our control is what is the most terrifying. When we are faced with something we don’t understand or can’t imagine being, we, as humans, tend to shut down. It’s hard work to put yourself in another’s shoes, to be open to their struggle and their pain because so often we have our own things that we are trying to deal with, but does that make it ok to deny the rights of other humans just because we as individuals can’t do our own work, NO. No, it is not ok, in case you were wondering.

Biden acknowledging the rights of gender identity and sexual orientation and his choice of Rachel Levine, a openly transgender person as the Assistant Secretary of Health, is sending a clear message that everyone belongs within the government. Everyone has a stake in the success of a nation and everyone should have a voice in it’s future. Representation is necessary for Equality to exist.

I am not expecting the new Administration to be perfect, but I will say the start has was one for the books. I know for me it gave an opportunity to lean into myself. To explore feelings and ask questions, I am grateful that it opened my heart to more understanding; I hope others feel the same. My biggest wish is that we see more, more diversity, more celebration of our differences and more commitment to represent all people.

‘We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all‘

– Amanda Gorman, The Hill We Climb

Values and how they relate to your COVID-19 Response

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I have spent the last few weeks trying to dive into our personal values. What are our individual values, how did our values get formed and prioritizing them. I want to now address how our values relate to our individual COVID-19 responses. How they are shaping our own opinions on what measures should be taken to prevent further harm?

Maybe your response is steeped in experience, or perhaps it is tainted in fear or with the knowing and seeing how COVID is devastating. Everyone’s experience is different, some have lost jobs, others have seen the loss of life, some have lost hope, giving up on coming together to beat this.

There are so many different facets to how every individual might look at COVID-19 and it’s not always necessarily that everyone’s values are different but how they define those values are what is making the response so different.

The values that I want to specifically look at in my post today are life, generosity and freedom. There are many more values that apply to how each of us has responded to COVID, but I believe these three are foundational and can be expanded to others.

Let’s start with valuing LIFE – what does that mean to you? What do you see as LIFE? Where does it start? When should it end? Are you a Quality over Quantity person?

The reason why valuing life is so important in the discussion of COVID-19 is that it requires you to define what life is worthy of protecting. If I was to have a candid conversation with anyone I would be open to the fact that I am pro-choice, I believe in quality of life, I believe in protecting the lives of others even at the cost of inconveniencing myself.

The way these values have played out in my life is that when evaluating pro-choice vs pro-life. I take a step back and see what quality of life would a child potentially have if born to a mother that may be considering their options. The reality of the world we live in, is that women and girls are not always given the support needed in order to provide a healthy family environment to raise a child. We do not have the social programs to support them if they do not have their own familial ones to step in, whether it’s by providing financial means, or the emotional or practical support such as availability to watch a child while they look for work or housing. What if the mother does not have the emotional or mental well-being it takes to foster the optimal learning and growth environment because they have their own unresolved trauma. This is where my pro-choice stance has developed.

I have a hard time reconciling pro-life supporters that do not support every social program, as well as one that does not support every lockdown measure possible. For why is the life of an embryo is more sacred than that of the elderly. I have a hard time reconciling those that believe the lockdown measures for long term care facilities is barbaric but don’t make the time or effort to visit their family when it is possible.

I believe in quality of life, meaning that one should be able to live their life to the fullest extent that they wish, within means and ability. My father had a really bad fall 12 years ago and my sibling who was his POA at the time tried to convince me that he needed long term care. My father is fiercely independent and I believe he needed to still be able to live on his own to not deteriorate mentally. He was able to manage on his own for 8 more years prior to a cognitive decline, and further health issues (two broken hips) that eventually did force him into long term care.

To me the quality of life part was that he could still do his daily morning swim, he could travel as often as he wished and that he didn’t have someone dictating (which is a necessary factor of care facilities) when or what he ate or where he’d go. I recognize that his life now is not as full as it was before entering care, that is just a fact. He is in one of the best facilities I can imagine, he has his own room, has developed relationships with the care staff and is well looked after. But a large part of his quality of life came from independence, which he no longer has.

For the past three years since he entered long term care I have said that I feel selfish wanting him to keep living since I want my children to have a chance to know him. Selfish because I know he has lost such a big part of what he loved about life. When COVID-19 first came about I genuinely thought well, this might be an ok way for him to go. To die by the flu or an illness when you are in your later years (remembering he is 90 yrs old now) vs getting cancer or dying of starvation because you are lacking the will to keep going seems more humane to me.

I also admittedly have adopted the belief that when and how we die is out of our control. That is not to say that we don’t mitigate our risks but that I believe you are going to meet your maker at some cosmic time. I have adopted this stance to help reconcile all the unnecessary deaths that occur all the time. There are far too many children that die for me to be able to hold any other belief.

How does valuing generosity come into a COVID response? Well generosity is the root of caring for others over ourselves, to be kind and generous. This means that COVID has forced us to be generous and this isn’t as easy for some as it is others.

If you are asking what exactly do you mean, to me I look at the Lockdowns. I am fortunate enough that my work has not been impacted by the lockdowns. My main job went to working online seamlessly; there are some bumps for sure, things that take longer and no team or in-person meetings but generally seamless. The lockdowns still took a toll on our family dynamic and relationships. I had to postpone a wedding this year, had to try and navigate homeschooling, parenting and working all while not getting any personal space. It was and is hard; it’s taxing mentally, emotionally and physically.

The lockdown measures are in place again, I believe, because we ran into people losing their ability to be generous with their care for others. The first lockdown put a strain on so many people that once lifted those that honestly struggle, naturally with being generous became reckless, grounding their belief that they gave up enough so now it was their turn to get. A fact of our society is that there are givers and there are takers. Some genuinely struggle with generosity, they only give when they believe they are getting something in return, this is not true generosity.

The lockdown measures also force us to be generous to those that are at a higher risk of complications from an infection even though most of us would be ok if we were infected. This is a bigger struggle to accept for those lacking generous spirit, and because of that, individuals are looking to rationalize their risk taking as acceptable by adopting the belief that pre-existing conditions are in someone’s control. The obese, the people that smoke, the high blood pressure, the Type-2 diabetes people, these people just didn’t take care of themselves. Anyone with those conditions can, and should, eliminate themselves from the equation, so the rest of us can keep living. What about those with cancer, kidney disease, COPD, Pregnancy, immunocompromised, asthmatic, cystic fibrosis. Ok well maybe not those people but…

In order to go back to living life with some semblance of normalcy we need everyone to be generous. We need those that are uncomfortable with masks to accept that they work, not perfectly, but they provide some protection to your germs spreading. Let me be clear, I don’t love mask wearing either, but I do accept that my germs won’t spread, at least definitely not as easily, if I’m wearing a mask. My exact words to our event coordinator when choosing to postpone our wedding was that if I had to look out at sea of masks vs smiles on my wedding day I would just be sad. This coming August I am getting married no matter what, it might mean people are in masks, it might mean there is no dance, it might mean it’s just me, Coulman and the kids. I am ok with that now because I know that I wouldn’t want to cause even one death from a super-spreader event. My value of protective others is higher than that not wanting to wear a mask.

Let’s talk about Freedom – like LIFE, what does Freedom mean to you? Is it financial Freedom that is most important to you? Is is bodily Freedom? Is it the ability to make your own decisions? Or is it rooted in not having to think of anyone else before thinking of yourself?

I very much value Freedom. I am not a sheep and believe that anyone that knows me would agree that I am anything but. I question everything, just like I am questioning you now. To me Freedom is the ability to live my values. Take work, I worked in an industry that I loved for two decades. The industry and my personality were not great fit, I wasn’t free to be myself. My expectations were too high, my emotions too raw, my delivery too strong. So I looked for a position where I could be me, one where accountability, service, intelligence are valued. I had the Freedom to do so because I value things like empathy, service and compassion more so than wealth, status and conformity. I had Freedom because I had a degree, a variety of work experience, a supportive partner and ex-husband, and my privilege.

Freedom to me, doesn’t mean that I don’t follow rules or order. Freedom to me, doesn’t mean that I do whatever I want. Freedom to me, means living my values. What are your values?

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how people are seeing mask wearing as infringing on their Freedoms. For one, if everyone wore masks and we sacrificed large gatherings for smaller ones, stayed masked, socially distanced we would still be able to run our economy which in large part seems to be the concern with lockdowns. So if you don’t want a lockdown than masks and vaccines should be the answer. They are rooted in science, in facts and are meant to enable you to enjoy your Freedom.

But it’s not Freedom, or it definitely is not my vision Freedom. The Freedom that anti-maskers or anti-vaccine individuals are talking about is one rooted in that no one can tell them what to do. It’s rooted in petulance and selfishness, the exact opposite of generosity. It’s the ingrained self centric view of Me before the We. Any individual that is reasonable understands why masks exist. They understand that if they have a medical condition that provides an exemption, it is their responsibility to provide that information. I am also cautious when it comes vaccines and want to understand more before taking one. I trust science though and am grateful to those willing to take the first rounds. Vaccines will provide Freedom from lockdowns, this is something that is true and you need to decide which value you want to prioritize. To think that everyone should to bend to your needs has nothing to do with Freedom and everything to do with your idea of self and values.

Is your Quality of Life rooted in the ability to buy things and to g out? Is your idea of a valuable life one that is your’s or only one similar? Do you believe those that earn more money have more value to society? When you give, do you expect something in return? Is your Freedom tied to never following rules?

I know I am just scratching the surface here. I was feeling really overwhelmed with the topic but wanted to get these thoughts out. Mainly because this next three weeks we are going to be home with family. We have at least 3 more weeks of lockdown. We can choose to either make the best and most of it or we can continue down a negative spiral.

If you are feeling alone, reach out to anyone, myself included. Reach out to those you love or those you are just meeting. If you have the support of others, reach out to those that you know might not. Focus on life, make the most of what you have while being generous in spirit and thankful for our freedoms.