I had two topics I wanted to talk about this week and I wondered where to start – to me it was essential to understand that the difference between constructive and just plain negative criticism before broaching the other topic so here is my attempt. I will pre-warn that this is ranty, jumps around and I kinda go all over the place but I’ve had a long (although technically short) week so here goes:

I would like everyone to take a minute and think about what they believe the difference between constructive and negative criticism is. Hopefully everyone has had the opportunity to experience both, even if they don’t think they have. The reason I added that last part is that in my experience there is a large number of people that can’t tell the difference, so when they give or receive critiques/criticism/feedback they always take it negatively. They are not able to separate the constructive part from the negative feelings. Often these are also the individuals that can also not give constructive criticism either as they deliver negative criticism instead.

To be able to take and give feedback or criticism objectively you first must be able to separate the person from the action. This can be very difficult as many believe and it can be said that we are all the sum of our actions. I would debate that although that is not untrue, we are human and humans a flawed creatures; ones that can and must learn from their errors. Being able to focus on the action vs the person shifts from it being a personal problem to a specific behavioral one. Behavior is something that most people have a semblance of control over, where as, who someone is, is innate and hard to change. Think of those that do not have complete control over their every behavior, whether it is a OCD/ADD/ADHD or something else, they would benefit from focusing on the what vs the who because it allows a separation between the individual and action. That way if someone is frustrated, confused, hurt by an action they know it’s not necessarily the intent of the person.

I know it’s hard not to take things personal and hard not to make things personal when you are having a difficult conversation, I get that, that’s why they are referred as difficult conversations. Let me start with making things personal, often when we are giving criticism it’s because we are wanting something to change, whether it’s in a relationship, at work or maybe even ourselves. In a relationship, it might be that we are setting boundaries, at work maybe it’s that you need a more reliable team member and in ourselves it might be that we see someone that has something we don’t or that we are judging them for something that differs from our own belief.

You can see that the common denominator is you need or want something so it’s personal. The thing is that for criticism to be constructive it has to be about the other person, and it has to be specific and changeable. It has to signal out specific actions that need to or could benefit from change. I’ll use my example of a reliable team member, it might be uncomfortable to approach someone that is late, the first time for sure but the second time they are late, they show a disrespect for the workplace. Now my thoughts are that maybe they don’t realize the affect of being late, maybe to them 5 min is a minor thing and the trickle down affect doesn’t hit them. Negative criticism would be to either ignore it (because this will inevitably lead to insurmountable frustration when the behavior continues) or to say something simple like I hate it when you’re late. The wording is geared towards the person and yourself vs the action so unlikely to achieve change.

When we provide criticism for something that is a personal choice and we are judging someone, this is always negative… let me say that one more time… this is always negative. There is no benefit in imparting your judgement on another person. If you have a difference of opinion on how they live their life than you can choose to either accept them or not have them as part of your life but keeping them around and criticizing them is no good for you or them.

This doesn’t mean not having a debate on opinions, anyone that knows me knows I am always up for debate, and I value people sharing theirs. What it does mean is that if you feel like a person’s opinion or action is who they are and it doesn’t line up with what you need, want or respect, you have two choices – either try to give specific constructive feedback and set relationship boundaries or choose to disassociate. At work we don’t always have the option of not having someone in our life, this is why it is crucial to learn how to give and receive specific constructive feedback.

Another thing that needs to be said is that it never feels good to do wrong, it sucks. I know whenever I make a mistake or have been called out on doing something wrong, or make someone feel bad, I feel stupid, I feel uncomfortable and sometimes a bit worthless. It’s natural to not want to make or accept the mistakes we have made. I believe for some it’s instinctive to either lash out or deflect and believe it is the person providing the criticism who has the problem not them. That comes from a self preservation instinct and ego, that to admit a flaw or wrongdoing would unravel your entire ego or ability to do anything. The first reaction, the one that is to feel shitty or that it sucks is fair, but the second one is not ok.

When one lashes out they will often say, it’s not what you said it’s how you said it. I would really encourage everyone to stop and think of that. Is it really more important how something is said or what is said. Yes, I acknowledge tone can be important, absolutely, it can set the literal tone of a conversation however the words and what is said should be so much more important. Why? Because tone is reflexive, it’s not easily controlled. Words and what is said is something that can be and is generally more thought out. Words hold more meaning because they infer thought vs. straight emotion and as mentioned previously we are human and are flawed, reactions are flawed.

Let me give you an example, I had a conversation with someone that was trying to give me their version of ‘constructive feedback’, they were super calm, their voice was soft and warm but what they said was ‘You need to work on your energy.’ I asked how do you mean?, ‘When you walk into a room everyone knows you’re there. You’re the first person to raise your hand’ ok, and ‘And sometimes when you leave a room I just feel exhausted’. I just looked at them and was confused as to how or why any of those statements would be constructive. She was saying this as part of things I needed to work on for my work performance, my energy was a weakness that she identified. So the tone was really ‘good’ however she was basically telling me she just didn’t like me, or more so my ‘energy’. See the words were not ok, the were not constructive, they were negative and very personal.

I have spent a lot of time thinking of how I took this particular feedback and tried to find a way to make it constructive as I walked out of the meeting feeling like the person really just didn’t like me. That they weren’t able to give concrete examples of actions but it was a feeling and the feeling about me was just dislike. That’s ok, not everyone needs to like everyone or in this case me but it’s a good example for this purpose.

I like to think, it’s possible I may have felt the same regardless, but that if she had said it this way – ‘You have lots of energy, the thing is, your energy can feel overpowering and sometimes intimidating. In meetings you are excited, if you could make sure that others also are able to share, like count to 10 before answering. Also I am not the same as you, I sometimes get overwhelmed when we talk so I might ask for a break or time out it’s so I can be prepared for you.’

It sill would have got the essential points and concerns out which were that I am high energy, high energy can be good and bad, it can stifle others and that it can be exhausting to be around but it would be in a way where specific behaviors and strategies on how to better the behavior are presented. The thing about this example is that it comes down to what I said about judging someone that’s not like you, so it’s hard to make it constructive. This person because of my interactions with them, I believe just doesn’t like me, there isn’t a connection and they couldn’t be specific in examples because it was just a feeling not a specific action they didn’t like.

Another example would be forever my conversations with my mother and sister, neither see it ever. There is more recent examples I’ll bring up next week as it relates more to that, but there are two instances that always come to mind – one is with my sister whom was home for Christmas. I had just woken up and saw her for the first time in about 4 months and the first thing out of her mouth, I kid you not, was ‘You’ve gained weight’ not hello, not good morning, ‘You’ve gained weight’. Fair enough I had, but what could be gained from pointing out that I had put on a few?

The second one is an example from my mom – about 6 months after having my first baby I purchased a skirt that was one size bigger than my pre-baby size but I was happy because, a) I liked the skirt and b) It meant I was getting closer to pre-baby weight. My mom said to me and again this is first thing ‘Does buying things make you feel better about yourself?’ – my only response was ‘Does making others feel bad make you feel better about yourself?’ To which she replied ‘Well I’m glad you have such good self-esteem you don’t need to.’ These are two examples of pretty obvious negative criticisms but the things is neither person delivering it saw it. Just like example at work, the person genuinely didn’t see anything wrong with what was said.

Now I feel like I might have a ton of examples of negative vs constructive because I am a blunt person so those around me feel like they can be liberal in their critiques. Like because I am open and honest then I should be able to take it too. The thing is, when I am having a conversation with someone that I would classify as critical I take great care in being constructive. I am blunt when speaking an opinion or asking for an action to stop, not I feel like I am criticizing who a person is. I also do not like ‘Sandwich’ criticism either, I don’t really believe that is constructive because too often it whitewashes the negative behavior.

An example for me, would be I worked at a customer service desk and I had a staff member that used to rest their feet up on the desk, so picture someone leaning back in a chair, feet up when you approach. My bluntness would be to say ‘So and So, get you feet of the desk’ and I freely admit I said this. I remember the staff saying that I hurt their feelings saying that, especially in front of their peers. I looked at them and said, ‘I said it in front of everyone else because they too should have told you to put your feet down. I didn’t say you are a bad staff or a bad person or dumb, what I said was put your feet down because it’s not appropriate at work, it makes you look unapproachable and disengaged.’

Had I used the ‘Sandwich’, it would sound like this, ‘Hey So and So, I know the chairs can be uncomfortable and ‘insert compliment’ like you are really good are greeting customers but can you please make sure you don’t put your feet on the desk? It looks unprofessional and really doesn’t make you look approachable. Thanks.’ The thing with the ‘Sandwich’ is that is put equal focus on what the person is doing well (even if it’s not timely or deserved) and the action you want stopped, this minimizes the constructive part of the feedback and it can be lost. The truth of it is, the staff member felt stupid when I was direct, because their actions were stupid. They really should have thought before putting their feet up, just like we should consider the affect on others when we are late or inconsiderate. There is no positive way of telling someone what they are doing is wrong but again focusing on the action vs the person the most important thing.

I want to say that I am not perfect and could use plenty of constructive feedback, my hope is to offer a perspective from a blunt person on what constructive means. Sugar coating is not constructive, I actually find it belittling and it makes me wary to trust the person giving feedback. I also again implore everyone to work on empathy, so know your audience when providing criticism. I naturally am what I am but have learned to soften my words or pull people aside if they let me know they are nervous. And last but definitely not least think about why you are criticizing someone, is it because they can grow from it, become better or is it because you want something or don’t like something.

As warned I jumped around a lot in this and am a bit jumbled. I also didn’t delve a lot into positive feedback or when Sandwich’ing’ might be ok, that will be a whole other post. I am hoping that when I review these (all posts) in 6 months to a year I can be more centered and focused on each topic but for now lots of ramblings. In the meantime, thank you for reading and please share your thoughts, comments and share away.

I was trying to think of what to write about this week and since the day I post lands on Valentine’s Day what better topic than that.

I’m went to look up the history of Valentine’s Day and was treated to several different stories and versions of events/Saints lives. I’m attaching my favorite from the History channel (see link below), it is interesting how far back the tradition goes.

https://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day-2

Valentine’s Day is not celebrated globally, it is in Canada, the US, Mexico, the UK, France and Australia. It is also a massive ‘consumerized’ holiday, that brings in an estimated 18 billion + (varies) each year in spending.

I’m not 100% sure where I stand on the whole Valentine’s Day thing. I waffle between totally adoring the idea of celebrating love and thinking it is an indulgent, in your face, depression inducing, consumer shit fest.

By and large I come out on the loving the love fest side – when I was 18, I lived my entire year from holiday to holiday, i.e. Labour day to Thanksgiving to Halloween, etc. , that a T.S. (True Story) and Valentine’s proved no different, even though I was incredibly single I just loved the idea of celebrating.

When you are a parent it’s a bit different, this year as with the last 4 years, I had prepped myself to aide with my kids Valentine’s cards – thankfully my middle’s preschool did not send a class list home so I feel no obligation to write cards on his behalf. My daughter is 6, I gleefully at 6:00am one morning this week, when she asked for my help, said that nope she could write, had a legible list and good luck, let me know how it goes.

Kinda but not totally surprisingly this resulted in a conversation around who she would be giving cards too, as she declared she was done at 11 and there are 22 kids in her class. I asked where the missing cards were and she said that those kids weren’t her friends, or that this person did this and that and so on. A big part of me wanted to say, ok – that’s fair because I believe it is, you don’t have to like everyone and false celebration is not cool but instead I thought this was my opportunity to explain that although she might understand that not everyone deserves a card, they might not.

In saying this I do want my daughter to be kind and I want her to want to include everyone but I also want her to set limits. I want her to know she can choose her people and doesn’t have to always include everyone because that’s not life. So I said until she is in Grad 3 or 4, and she no longer finds injustice in being excluded that she needed to make cards for everyone.

Another thing I’ve notice now as a parent is there seems to be a sort of pressure. Which no doubt I will feel again next year when Bo gets a list and maybe even Cael too. A pressure that not only do you have to have cards for everyone and but you should also have something attached to those cards, and homemade is better (so you better bake/craft with your kids) and no nuts (which I’m for since we have a nut allergy in the fam). I know this might be an internal thing, in my head but the amount of stuff the kids come back with every year is a bit much.

Maybe it’s because I dislike helping with these things, I don’t enjoy crafting and I’m not a send treats with my kid kind of person. I think I’ve mentioned I’m a bit crazy when it comes to food and my kids. Or maybe it’s because I don’t like the idea of getting or giving things because you have to and it’s expected vs taking time to be thoughtful and want to give, but this drives me nuts. So you can see my issue isn’t really with the day of Valentine’s or the sentiment but with the consumerism so maybe let’s by pass that.

Oh wait, before we bypass, can I say one thing that I would like to hear how you feel about it – WTF is Galentine’s Day? I mean, really? Now don’t get me wrong I love the concept and you better believe when single or my other half is out of town on Feb. 14, I would rally my friends for a girls night but why have an entire new day? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Apparently Galentine’s is on Feb 13th – I only realized this yesterday, I kid you not. It made me a bit crazy to think that instead of just celebrating everyone you love on the same day we needed to add another day to our calendars to celebrate our ladies, seriously?

I don’t think we need another day; Valentine’s and Galentine’s should be the same day. The only reason I can see to celebrate it on different days is to sell stuff or give a reason to go out (both which require money). Galentine’s should be the aforementioned Girls’ Night alternative to Valentine’s, otherwise all the single/free ladies and men (maybe we need a Palentine’s Day, Feb 12th anyone?) are literally still alone on Valentine’s.

My second issue with having it as a whole separate day (on top of the not saving you from being alone on actual Valentine’s Day) is that I believe you should be celebrating your girlfriends everyday. I mean women are tough, we are our own worst enemies and critics, however way we got this way, it’s true. If you have some kick ass, amazing ladies in your life celebrate them and their successes everyday. Pick them up on bad days and be happy on their good. And the whole idea of Valentine’s should be about celebrating everyone in your life, not just a sexual partner. Alright so maybe if we go into the history is really is meant to be about a marriage and mating but it’s morphed.

I would say the most important aspect of the tradition/history to me is that it was formed on cards and letters expressing your love or admiration. I remember my first Valentine’s Day with a relationship (about 6 months in) and losing it, like full on pouting because I didn’t get a card. I got dinner made for me and a mix CD, which turned out to be in lieu of a card and was awesome, so I shouldn’t have complained but I really cherish the written word. Taking the time to sit down and write how one feels is work, it shows care and thought. It is a lot easier to say things without meaning than it is to write them. For any other occasion I am a gift giver (wisher) but for Valentine’s it’s all about the feeling and the words. So take some time to write it down to anyone you love today (I need to start mine).

Anywho these are just a few of my thoughts on Valentine’s – what are yours? Are you pro-Galentine’s? Are you a gifts or cards person? Do you need to include everyone? Who are you celebrating with? Let me know.

As I mentioned in my first post I recently left a job that I loved due to a personality conflict. This might seem like something I should have been able to get over or work through and that is possibly right. However my workplace had encouraged me to complete my Meyers-Briggs personality testing so I could see how I fit within our leadership team. Turned out that my personality and that of my direct supervisor were polar opposites, the combination of which made a toxic, divided, non functioning team.

Now I am willing to bend or change to an extent however there are somethings that are innate, that feel too hard to change, or that I value. It might seem crazy to rely so heavy on a test that takes less than 30 min to complete and an hour to really suss out and don’t get me wrong not everyone fits their profile 100%, but I thought it might be interesting to some to see a dissection of mine and encourage you to look into yours.

When I was first asked by my supervisor to complete the testing, I said that I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. In university I had to do it as part of my HR certificate, and the results didn’t feel right, they didn’t fit – I had completed it again more recently to different results that seemed more on par with me but because of the differences I didn’t really buy the assessment.

I did though want to show my willingness to be open to growth and to be part of the team so I decided to go with it; I was pleasantly surprised. My results came back similar to my more recent assessment. I believe what happened when I was younger is that I answered the questions with the lens of the person I thought I wanted to be. I wanted to really like being in big groups or thought that was important, I wanted to believe that feelings mattered more than logic, I wanted to be a ‘nice’ person – so I answered based on who I wanted to be and not who I actually am.

This go round I simply chose the answers that fit me, and came back with an INTJ/INTP – now I know it doesn’t seem right to have two and it’s not, but this time I also had the opportunity to sit down with someone trained in the assessment who got to walk me through each difference and dive a bit deeper. My assessment came out as INTJ and at work and during stress this fits me to a T, however at my natural way I am an INTP.

Now the first reaction from everyone person around me is there is no way I am an introvert. I am a social person, I genuinely like people and believe in the best in others. I also love my friends, and care for them deeply – I like to show my care and appreciation with gifts if possible or parties to bring those I care about together. I am also opinionated and not afraid to voice concerns. These things I believe is what leads people astray.

Introversion vs. Extroversion is about where you get energy, it’s not about how you interact with others. I can only recharge solo, usually either with a long hot bath, a book, or binge watching nonsense shows. If someone were to watch me carefully at a party I do socialize and talk to people, but often I’ll be hiding in the kitchen, prepping food or cleaning up. I just like having those I care about around me but by the end I am always exhausted, a good exhausted because my heart is full but exhausted. My understanding is that Extroverts would be jazzed and ready to go, that they feed off others energy.

I have a realization and a theory, the realization was my introversion when I became a mother. When you are a mother, you are non-stop, there is a little human or two that always needs tending, feeding, touching. I really struggled (still struggle) with small children and the constant interaction. Part of it is that kids are tiring, they just are but the other part is my craving for time alone, just being alone. When my daughter started preschool, I met a group of awesome mothers, one that I really like, admire and want to hang out with but I just couldn’t find the energy for play dates. I would feel bad that my kids would be missing out on hanging out with these great kids and felt like I should want to hang out too. I did/do want to but the larger part of me couldn’t/can’t find the energy and finds it just too much. I have been able to pull myself together and made friends (whom I hold dear) but as I said this took effort, I had to get out of my comfort zone, that was a revelation for me. Extroverts I feel like it wouldn’t be effort but maybe that’s a misconception too.

My theory is why I come across as extroverted; the natural thing is that no one is 100% intro or extroverted; we all hold characteristics from each group. My theory is that those that lack strong family unity have to adapt and become more social to fill their emotional support cups. Meaning if my family had tight bonds, if I was close with my parents and siblings than I wouldn’t need to create bonds with others and would be more ‘introverted’. The other part is I am and always have been high energy, I remember my mom comparing my sister and I and saying that she was the shy one, the quiet one. It was almost like I wasn’t allowed to be like that, now I know that probably wasn’t her intention but like a self fulfilling prophecy, I had to go out and not need her the way my sister did. In turn I became more extroverted where as my sister is a more classically introverted person.

I look at my father who spent his career in service to others, he is loud, opinionated, everyone knows he is in the room when he walks in kind of person. This same man happily hangs out in his room solo watching shows for the better part of 12-14 hours a day. When he was in his own home, he would go to the gym in the morning, get his socialization in and then go home to be alone. The nursing home always states that they try and get him to join activities with others and he just doesn’t seem interested. It’s not that he is depressed, it’s that he likes to be alone and only wants to visit with those he cares about, his family and friends from before – he is introverted.

The second composition of the Meyers-Briggs is the S or the N – standing for Observant or Intuitive. This is about energy, how we see the world and process information. Observants are the S, they a practical, have strong habits and tend to stick to how things are, i.e. more predictable. N is for Intuitive, they tend to be more curious, try for the why vs the acceptance, and try to think big picture. I’m pretty sure that the example given to me about this trait was having a group look at a picture and asking people to describe it – the S peeps go through and state exactly what in the pictures where as the N group would be able to think of a story behind the picture.

I think of this attribute like this, I was once told I am a change a day person. I like to find the best, most efficient, effective way to do things, always! I have always said I embrace change. Of course change can make me nervous because of the unknown however when change is about process maybe not so much people (those are not so much givens/change back-able), I am usually all for. At work we often get told that, that’s just the way it is, there is nothing more I hate than that answer. It is the most efficient way, is it the most fair way, is it the best way? No, no, no – then why is that ‘just the way it is’. The other way of looking at it, is those people that don’t stop asking questions. You know the ones that need the why.

I like to think this characteristic is beneficial because I am happy to learn anything like new computer programs on completely my own, give me something to learn, some time and I’ll get there. I’ll also happily create manuals, flow charts and directions for others. However this can also be exhausting, especially to those that don’t natural think this way, or those that want or need the known. They might not have the energy or wherewithal to withstand being questioned.

The next section is on your nature, how you deal with emotions and make decisions; Feeling vs. Thinking. You can probably guess the difference of the two but I would implore you to look deeper. I really struggled with the perception of ‘Feelers’ to the ‘Thinker’. I have often been accused of being insensitive, but I’m not, I am in reality extremely sensitive, sensitive but blunt.

The way is it described is that Thinkers hide their feelings, they value objectivity and logic over emotions whereas Feelers express their emotions, they value harmony and cooperation. The one that gets my goat is that it says Feelers are more empathetic, I would say this is not true. It is not using empathy correctly (see last post), Thinkers are empathetic through being objective. Harmony might be comfortable but it does not equal empathy. Facts matter and thinkers take facts into consideration when thinking of feelings. I searched out someone that was near my type with an F instead of the T to have a talk about what they thought the difference was or how they would react differently.

We talked about an incident with an employee that needed to be given some constructive feedback. They expressed concern over the employee’s feelings about receiving the feedback and about their own feelings about hurting the employee’s feelings. The feelings they didn’t think about was that of everyone else affected by the actions of the employee and how if it continued how it would hurt others. That took objectivity and thinking, so you see it’s not that Thinkers don’t feel (I mean some might not) but it’s that they feel for everyone involved not just themselves and one other. For myself I usually feel for everyone else first and then myself, yes having a difficult conversation with someone is hard and uncomfortable but what’s worse is having that person continue an action that’s not ok, that hurts others and results in them not learning or perhaps having others continually think poorly of them.

The other thing people will say is express how you feel versa how you think and maybe then they will respond positively. As a Thinker, this doesn’t make sense because feelings shouldn’t matter more than facts. Feelings are important and need to be validated but they shouldn’t take priority over facts. As a Thinker, I work through my feelings by looking at the facts of a situation, then I look at everyone involved, their capacity, their perspective and their feelings objectively. The truth is that somethings no matter how you frame them, or say them will upset people because they do not like the facts.

The last letter in type is Judging or Perceiving, this is all about how we work, make decisions and plan. This is where there is a very tenuous line for me – at work I have to be organized, thorough and decisive where as naturally I like to be open minded, see new things and be a bit up in the air. I always joke that I live in organized, disorganization. No one else can find what they are looking for in my chaos but I can, no probs.

When I got to sit down with the facilitator she describe it like such – if I was getting married would I start with a list or just go with a feeling. Apparently J types would make a list and just work down it, sort of like, venue – check, flowers – check, dress -check, etc. where a P type would have to think about the feeling they want to create, the atmosphere and then haphazardly put things together. I am a mix, 100%, I go for the big picture every time however to get there I have to make a list.

I love the comfort of knowing what to expect and routine, it makes life easier but I am comfortable with being flexible and changing needs, thinking on my feet. This is why it’s so tumultuous.

After getting all your letters together there is one more thing to consider and that is your Identity – you might be thinking well hey, didn’t we just go through all these different types but what it means is are you Assertive or Turbulent? This is a spectrum of how confident you are in your decisions and abilities. I am turbulent by only by a slight margin. Turbulent is self conscious and vulnerable to stress, they strive for perfection where Assertive are comfortable with themselves, resistant to stress and don’t push too hard to achieve goals.

The thing about the Meyers-Briggs and all other personality type testing i.e. DISC (the colours), the Process Communication, the Enneagram, etc. is that they don’t always if ever account for someone’s intelligence or almost never their experiences. So although they are a good place to start, they aren’t exact, they aren’t a blueprint more of a outline. An outline though can is a place to start, for you start understanding your nature and those that you interact with, another step in accepting each person as an individual.

I am including a link to my favorite site regarding the Meyers-Briggs – it offers descriptions of all 16 types with strengths and weaknesses, relationships, parenthood, work, all laid out so you can explore you. As you can see I didn’t accept exactly what everything says but was able to interpret it and apply it to my work and my life. By all means this isn’t a perfect science but I did find it helpful and kind of reassuring that some of me is nature; Nature is ok.

I also find it interesting and helpful in relationships which was the whole point of taking it in the first place. Follow the link below and share with me what you get, is it spot on? Could you have answered for what you want to be vs. how you really are? Let me know. The second link is just more light reading on the topic but very interesting.

https://www.16personalities.com/

https://personalityjunkie.com/

This week I have spent a lot of time talking with others about empathy. It seems that there is a large discrepancy in the understanding of empathy, what is is and how to use it. I will forewarn you that this goes on a few tangents but hopefully comes together.

To start with the most basic thing – the definition, according to merriam-webster –

Definition of empathy:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy

• 1: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner also: the capacity for this
• 2: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

I have a friend that really struggles with empathy ask how you can be empathetic without being someone’s friend. The question itself shows the lack of understanding of what empathy is because it infers that you must be someone’s friend and/or like them to empathize with them.

Another friend and I were talking about the same subject; I was explaining empathy for those that have very different view points and she said that tolerate was the word she would use and again I had to think that was a bit misconceived, it is yet common idea. To tolerate something is to just let it be, it is the lowest form of understanding whereas empathy requires that you step outside of yourself to put yourself in others shoes.

Empathy requires work and selflessness. It is a skill; skills must be developed and practiced to succeed. It requires that we step outside ourselves and try to truly understand someone and their actions. It is an important, I would say necessary skill in humanity.

As I have previously explored Sense of Self, I would like to say my belief is that when you have a greater Sense of Self, a true, honest understanding of yourself than you can have empathy. This is because you are aware of your own values, strengths, weaknesses and hopefully are able to understand why you do the things you do, treat others the way you do or act a certain way. In turn you understand how complicated a single person can be, that they are the make up of every event or interaction they’ve had and the nature that is within them, good or bad.

On the flip side with a lesser than, unrealistic or not entirely honest sense of self you will find yourself not being truly empathetic. Because often those who are unaware of themselves or their affect on others are unable or unwilling to put themselves in another’s shoes. They believe they are however their lens is always their own.

My first friend I mentioned owns her own business, she does care about her employees (I believe this) however she always expects them to act just like her. If they do not, than they are wrong or lazy. I have tried to implore her to think about what someone might need to be successful in their role, what information, tools, resources are required to do their role right. Also to stop and say not everyone is me, what if I knew nothing, was raised different, what would I need to succeed. The last piece of the puzzle is holding people accountable. This is where she struggles most, because the thought process of being someones friend or ‘being nice’ or empathetic means to her that you let things go.

This brings in the fact that having or showing empathy doesn’t mean you are giving up your expectations, it also doesn’t mean you have to accept negative or hurtful behavior. What it means is that you are putting yourself in another’s shoes and trying to understand why they did or didn’t do the action. Empathy requires that you step out of your own narcissism and be willing to accept differences without judgement.

The second example where my friend and I were talking about with different values, was that of racism. I was telling the story of a conflict resolution class where my prof asked us to state something that was completely wrong. My example was racism, I was adamant that I could never understand people that were racist, it’s just stupid. My prof challenged me and said what if I grew up with a family that held racist beliefs, if I had little access to education and lived in an area that those beliefs were validated because the race I took issue with were criminals, and every interaction I ever had was negative. What would I believe?

It was an eye opener and if I am going to be 100% honest with myself, up until the age 24, I myself had a tinge of racism. Being born and raised in Calgary, by all rights in a privileged family, I had no knowledge of Residential schools or First Nations culture. When I started going to high school downtown and saw lots of ‘drunk natives’ (I cringe as I admit this was a term used in 1999), I had very little empathy and was by all intensive purposes racist. It wasn’t until a friend of mine told be about the schools, which I initially genuinely couldn’t believe existed (that’s how crazy it seemed to me) but I looked into the history and opened my mind and heart up to their circumstances, I can now understand how messed up my thinking was before.

Now I wasn’t a bad person as a teenager, I wasn’t blatantly racist, I just didn’t know. I genuinely didn’t know and it is possible that someone that met me would have a very negative view of me. They would think I was privileged, uneducated and because of being opinionated, unwilling to be open to new information or incapable of change. They would be wrong because they didn’t use empathy to really get to know me. I am very concerned with facts and always open to learning.

My most personal use of empathy is that towards my Father. He is not an easy man to say the least. He is an alcoholic, at times abusive both verbally and physically – he broke my mother’s nose, I have a vivid memory of spending a night in the Women’s Shelter and countless verbal/emotional tales. However he is also very generous, a great conversationalist, he is caring, intelligent and a good, if not great doctor. I have spent my life saying that I hate my Father’s actions, not him; that is empathy. I don’t know what my Father was like as a young parent, however I do know that at age 27, he lost his first love, his wife and the mother to his four young children – all while he was trying to complete medical school in another city.

I am admittedly not very compassionate for addicts however I can have empathy. I always think that if it was me in my Father’s shoes what would I be like, how would I have turned out. Would I have been able to finish medical school? Would I have self medicated with alcohol? Could I have done better? I don’t know. What I do know is that he did the best he could. To have a relationship with him, which is important to me, I need to try and understand him but it doesn’t mean I have to be ok with his behavior or actions. I can call him out, I can take a break, I can hold him accountable.

Now I want also mention that there is a difference between sympathy and empathy, sympathy is to feel sorry for. Sympathy doesn’t really add value when you are considering individuals. It makes sense for occasions like death or accidents or small things but it doesn’t help to feel sorry for a person; people are dynamic, they are capable of such much. Empathy on the other hand does, because having empathy allows you to see through a lens that is different than your own. Sympathy may taint your reaction and illicit an ‘it’s ok’ reaction to negative behavior where as empathy can say ‘it’s not ok’. I understand your reasoning, or that these awful things happened however the corresponding behavior/reaction is or is not ok.

My sister and I were having a conversation around her youngest child. He is a high functioning autistic child, with tactile sensitivity. He is only a few months older than my middle child, so I remember my sister and I or my mom and I talking about introducing foods. I really disagreed with what my sister fed her son, I am a strict person when it comes to veggies and my kids have always followed the rule that veggies first or nothing. I didn’t stop to think that something might be stopping him from eating, I didn’t realize the stress it was causing her. I admittedly thought she just wasn’t up for the fight however in her son’s case there really isn’t anything she could do. His peculiarities, him and who he is make it impossible.

In our conversation she mentioned that she met a new group of people that didn’t know about her son’s autism and they remarked that they couldn’t really see any difference in him and others. This had been a relief because her whole family (me included) when the diagnosis came out were like, yes, ok, that makes sense. I felt awful because I realized that in what we thought was empathy was sympathy. I thought things like I was just so glad my child ate ok, or it must just be so hard for her. Instead I could have been asking why do you think he is struggling, how does he feel, why does he react like that. Can you see the difference? The shift from judging and sympathy to trying to understand, to accept the person all in.

There are days where you are going to get empathy right and days where are aren’t, that’s ok. Again Empathy is something that takes time and practice, again it’s a skill. Empathy is not agreeing, it is not letting things go, it is not sympathy, it is truly understanding each person as an individual. It is respect (new tangent, for another day).

So the next time you have an encounter, not matter how small – whether it’s being interrupted during a conversation, having someone share your secret, seeing a child have a tantrum, dealing with a difficult customer or anything, try to put yourself in their shoes. Stop, step outside yourself and if you don’t have all the information to understand, ask.

Empathy is seeking to understand, in seeking to understand you become more – more open, more curious, more caring, more kind, more genuine, more knowledgeable, more able, just more. Because empathy can change the world, and yes I know that is a big, bold statement but it’s true.

Let me know if you have ever had a hard time with empathy? When? Why?

This week I started a fitness challenge with a local fitness centre with a goal to lose 20 lbs. or 5% body fat in the next 6 weeks.

When I met with the consultant to see if the program was going to be a fit I was more than a bit skeptical that the goal would be possible. I explained that I really only treat myself to maybe a latte a week (not a Tim’s every day person) and that I wasn’t a drinker (tequila and bourbon on occasion but not a wine/beer a day gal) and I try to eat healthy (minus a few cookies here and there). My body type is an endomorph so I store fat easily for survival, yay for evolution!

The funny thing is that he was trying to be positive and said if nothing else, coming on a regular basis and having a nutrition guide to follow will be a good change in your life. He gave an example that if I lost 18 lbs than I should still be happy that I got into a routine and made major lifestyle changes. I literally thought to myself in that moment, if I lose 18 lbs, I’m going to be so pissed! To be 2 lbs. off would kill me.

So I just finished my 3rd workout of the week, the commitment is a minimum of 3 work outs/week at the gym and to stick to the food plan outlined. I also swam on my day off yesterday and will hopefully sneak in some Reformer (pilates) work over the weekend to stretch out a bit. Basically I’m saying I’m 100% in and committed to this thing. It did get me thinking about why am I doing this?

I had to step on a scale for the first time in 6 months at the consultation and it was no bueno. I got so upset afterwards. I left my job a the beginning of December and as a means to stay mentally sane (by keeping busy) and productive I took on some pilates challenges (through Pilates Anytime). At the time of weigh in I had completed 35 workouts in 40 days – which was huge! I was feeling strong, more toned than before, and excited but at my weight was 5 lbs. heavier than even my heavy guess. This seriously crushed me. So I had to pump myself up a bit so here goes –

As I said before my ‘weigh in’ I felt good about the work I was doing. To feel like that didn’t translate was disappointing. So back to the biggest thing, which is the WHY – why do I want to work out.

1. I want to work out because it’s an ingrained aspect of my familial culture. My parents were both incredibly active while I was growing up. We spent a large part of our childhood watching them play tennis, or going for a swim with them or taking ridiculously long bike rides (my mom). I admire that both my parents were/are so active. My father is now 88 and up until two years ago he was a regular at the pool for a morning swim unfortunately an accident and old age (hard to recover) has left him wheelchair bound and now unable to go. I do credit his long history of an active lifestyle for allowing him to make of the most of his life. My mother is a force to be reckoned within terms of fitness, I can only ever aspire to do some of the things she has done or does. She is an avid hiker, bike rider (did the cycling part of the Kona Ironman, just for shits) and hits the gym for yoga, weights and a swim on a daily if not almost daily basis.

2. I work out because when I don’t I start to feel sluggish, tired and overwhelmed. I have a swim routine that is fast (under 30 min) and easy for me – it is the following –

• 3 x 100m swim – free, back, breast
• 3 x 100m kick – flutter, dolphin, whip
• 3 x 100m pull – free, back, breast
• 100m I.M. Cool Down

When I am my most stressed all I need is to get in a pool to relax. I once said to a good friend of mine that I swam because I could cry while working out and no one would know because everyone’s eyes are red when they get out of a pool. He said it was the saddest thing he had ever heard but for me it’s cathartic. Having my set routine gives me an option that I know I can do quickly and that also gets me in a setting that feels like I can wash away my worries.

I do believe I am built for distance or longer workouts because I never feel like I hit my stride until I’m at least 30-45 min into it. So learning to run was a fun thing, you can imagine needing to continually run for 30 min before it started to feel any semblance of good was slightly trying but I did it. And as many runners can attest to or claim there is a ‘Runners High’. I think this is probably true for the end of any cardio activity, once completed you just feel good.

3. I work out to be strong. After having my first child my back and pelvic floor were a wreck. I remember going to pick up my daughter and doubling over because my back locked up. I did not lose much weight between numero uno and dos, due to a pregnancy in between and my inability to focus on wellness.

After having my second child I worked hard to get back into shape, it still wasn’t easy but luckily my work at the time was physically demanding so the weight came off and I felt good. My back and pelvic floor were still a mess until after baby number 3 when I tried Pilates for the first time in over a decade. This was a game changer, I was able to run and no longer worry about peeing my pants. My back although still off after weird sleep or a long day (curse of the big boobs) is much better than it was. Working on my deep core and overall strength has helped a ton in my everyday tasks. I am starting to feel strong again.

Picking up my kids, being able to move furniture and lift boxes are all things I want to be able to do and these all require strength.

4. I also workout to look good – If I am 100% honest, this is a big reason, yes I feel good and get the endorphins. I value being strong and fit but another thing I like is feeling like I look good. I know this is vain but it is what it is – I feel better when I believe I look good.

I have been lucky enough in my mom life that few people have commented on how I look. I just know that my old clothes don’t fit whether it’s a roll over my pants or my chest popping out that bit more, I don’t like it. So this was a big motivator for me to get going and join this challenge. I want to feel like I look good again, for me not for someone else. And to be clear I want to look what good looks like on me, not what it would look like on someone else. I have accepted my own body and what it is capable of.

You should notice that nowhere in my 4 whys’ did I mention to lose weight. The number on the scale can not be a why for me, it fluctuates too much to hold onto. It’s all about feeling – feeling part of my parents legacy, feeling sane, calm and content, feeling strong and feeling like I look good.

So New Year, New Me? or more so New Year, New Start? or New Year, New Perspective? I needed to give myself a pep talk (logical and outlined), maybe this could be for you too or not but thanks for reading.

So you know my WHYs’ – what are yours? Or what are your WHY NOTs’?

I was trying to think of all the topics I could choose where to go next and of course, Sexism, just popped right up there. Not really, but on the same day Gillette’s Super Bowl commercial came out, the one that questions you to redefine the ‘Best a Man Can Be’ (link at the end of this blog); I was speaking with a couple of women and the topic of sense of self and the gender in the workplace came. One mentioned that the idea of maneuvering around the political environment of work was too much. She found when she was working (before kids) that she was often misunderstood or taken the wrong way, the amount of energy it took to miss the landmines was too much.

I asked, slash put in my two cents that if she was a man does she think it would be any easier. Between the three of us the consensus was yes. Her natural personality and the fact she was a women made work harder. I feel deeply with her, I am the same. I am blunt, opinionated, out spoken and have spent my life being told I should apologize for being me. I have only just realized that if I had a different appendage that things might be different.

I know there are lots of articles/blogs/yada yadas around just about the commercial and even more around sexism but I’m going to try once more, to add one more voice. I’ll give you a few personal stories around my experiences as a woman and how we as a society have different expectations of men and women. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t have a miracle fix just a lot stories of what the f* is wrong and trying to speak some truths.

Tale # 1 – In my early twenties I worked at a furniture store as a sales associate. A man walked in and asked to see a dining table. Now to be fair I was doing my job expectations, I smiled, was friendly and engaging to show the table. The large price tag had fallen off however there was one located under the table. I bent down to find the tag and locate the price. When we went back to the till to wait to hear back from our stock team around availability this guy says directly to my face ‘Wow you have a great set of tits to go with your ass’. I tried to brush it off however he paid so I knew he would be back for pick. I mentioned the incident to the General Manager at the time, said I was hoping to not have to help him if he returned and he said, that I needed to just let it go.

Tale # 2 – I used to work security for a large hotel. We had a disturbance call and had to call the police to inquire around safety, we had two male officers arrive to take statements and assist. The altercation was between a man and a woman, both officers joked a bit (I do understand, that police have a hard job so that maybe that’s a coping mechanism) but one said ‘well this bitch is just crazy and he would be better without her’ – right because the 120 lbs (tops) woman deserved to be smacked around and manhandled by her 180+ lbs man because she crazy. Moving on ….

Tale # 3 – My ex is not sexist at all, he believes in equal rights and still tries to build me up but this one time… my first child was probably around 4 months old, and I was in the thick of no sleep. She didn’t sleep at all, like hardly a wink so I would be up all night and try to get some sleep during the day. I should mention that I didn’t expect him to do the night wake ups on workdays. Also on my best of days/weeks/months, I am a shitty housekeeper, being on mat leave and sleep deprived did not make that any easier. So on this day around 5:30pm, might have even been 6:00pm, my husband comes home after being at work all day, asked – Where’s dinner? and when I said I didn’t know and hadn’t started, the response was, What have you been doing all day?

Tale # 4 – I was in an admin assistant position once where after getting a new boss in the span of a couple of months my position went from being admin to more of personal assistant, from helping with reports to taking his car for a wash and ordering gifts for mothers day, or being told that when I was in a meeting my only purpose was take notes and not comment (I’m a rambler so this one I kind of got). Around that same time I saw him have a meeting with the company’s COO who was in from out of town, it was supposed to be just him however ended up being all the Vice-Presidents too, except the one female, she was in the building at the time – and it’s not like she wouldn’t have been a valuable addition, she was a long tenured employee and was the one of the only ones to have worked at another division. Coincidentally, the very next day I met his wife for the first time and I honestly couldn’t tell you how this came up but she said to me that he just really truly believed that a woman’s place was at home with their kids. Everything just came in a different light from then on. 

Tale # 5 – I worked for an employer that to my face when I was seven months pregnant said that they never wanted to hire another woman of child bearing years again.

Tale # 6 – I had a manager tell me to think twice before hiring a mom because they would probably call in sick a lot for their kids. This same manager said to me that when I had kids I would feel different about work, meaning I would care less. Head’s up – I don’t.

Tale # 7 – Both of my partners have said that it is easier for me to organize and find childcare than them. Why? Do I have a magical Rolodex of humans wanting to watch my kids? No, have I begged, pleaded and guilt-ed some kind humans I know to watch them or scoured the internet in search of one. Yes! 

There are so many more stories, some minor maybe but still… the point of all these tales is that they would :

1. Probably never happen to a man – I know woman make lewd comments but if a young male went to a female manager I would expect a different response than the one I got.
2. The view that woman are emotional or crazy regardless if the man is violent or out of line.
3. The expectation on woman is different – men can’t get pregnant or breastfeed so they don’t generally take long maternity leaves, woman are the ones expected to take time off work to stay at home with sick kids, when a man is home all day with the kids the expectation is not that they clean and cook and entertain the kids all at the same time.
4. Even the best men, ones that are caring, helpful and want their daughters to be leaders can have unequal expectations for their partners than for themselves. 

To bring it back, I watched the commercial and thought, yes. The past is the past and Gillette is not saying that you should be ashamed to be a man or that all men are jerks, as I read in some Twitter outrages and YouTube comments. They are simply saying that they believe you can do better. Their slogan for years was “The Best a Man Can Get”, I believe the intention of the ad was to explore – are we as society are really encouraging men to be their best selves. If you look at the stories in the commercial, there are tales of sexual glorification, bullying, physical violence and each has an example of a man stepping in to say no, that’s enough, that’s not ok.

Now if you are opposed to the Social Marketing aspect of the ad then I can buy that. I can understand if you don’t want or like having a social cause sold to you along side your razor, running shoes or really any consumer product. The concept of being sold something from a for-profit company by having them appeal to your greater good, sure, ok. What I can not understand and one is welcome to try explaining this to me is how in the world this ad is offensive or rude.

What I do know about human nature is that people do not like it when a mirror is held up and you see your own negative behaviors reflected. If you watched the ad and thought, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all just innocent fun. That could be me or I was like that sometime in my life, then you are missing the point. If you watched it and thought (which is echoed in some comments), well I have never seen a fight not get broken up, or I would never act that way, then good on you. But to say that the average man does not, at least sometimes behave in a way the is not the best that they can be, like those in the ad or in my examples above; is just not being honest.

Sexism, gender equality it is a societal issue. Men being the best they can be means reflection, saying how can we be better and taking a minute before blasting your anger out. The dislikes still out number the likes 2:1 for this commercial. I’m not asking you to like it, what I am asking is – How do we develop our girls to be resilient? To believe they belong along side the boys. And how do develop our boys, our men’s resiliency in order to accept the feedback and make the changes we need?

In terms of resilience I believe there is an important topic to explore, Self Esteem vs. Sense of Self. Recognizing the difference, and understanding how they play a role within our daily lives, relationships and ourselves may open up ways to Invent Resilience while also fostering it in others.

I would like to try to mark the difference between Self Esteem and Sense of Self. Self Esteem in my mind is the ability to have confidence in yourself, your abilities, and have a high expectation around what you deserve out of life. Self Esteem is linked to self worth. Sense of Self on the other hand is an awareness of who you are, your strengths, weaknesses, values and how you interact with the world around you. Because my mind works in point form, here is how I separate them:

Self Esteem –

• the ability to have confidence in one self
• high expectation of what you deserve, self worth
• acknowledgement of your strengths, value of self
• Self Respect

Sense of Self –

• Recognize personal strengths
• Recognize weaknesses and failures
• Understanding personal values
• Understanding and care of how we affect others and how others respond to us

It is necessary to acknowledge that it is possible to have any combination of Self Esteem and Sense of Self. It is natural as humans to assume that everyone is just like us, they think like us, feel like us, have confidence like us but you know what they say about assuming – it makes and ASS out of U and ME. Acknowledging that one’s Self Esteem and Sense of Self might be vastly different from our own gives us a step in building empathy, which in turn encourages us to be kind.

I myself have Low Self Esteem and a High Sense of Self. It is consistent that others’ perception of me is that I am ‘Self Assured’ or ‘Confident’, this is simply not the case. I do however have a strong Sense of Self, this is displayed in strong opinions, standing rigid with my values and acceptance of my weaknesses. I would break down my Sense of Self as follows –

• Strengths – Passionate, Intelligent, Hard-working, Empathetic, Caring, Friendly, Good presenter, Charismatic, Sensitive, Genuine
• Weaknesses – Unwavering, Overly Sensitive, Assumes Capabilities and Similarities, Physical attributes, Argumentative, Impulse control, Blunt
• Values – Fairness, Accountability, Generosity, Openness, Innovation, Diversity, Intelligence, Work Ethic, Empathy, Thoughtfulness

Why am I sharing this? Well I mentioned one of the reasons I decided to start a blog was to vent a bit but also to provide context to my thought process. As mentioned I have a high Sense of Self but Low Self Esteem – what does this look like and how does that work if I can acknowledge my strengths. Well I have only just started to acknowledge my strengths and to focus how I spend my time and energy on those, this includes my job searches, parenting style and friendships (this is going to be a whole other topic).

Anywho, historically I have focused on my weaknesses and countered every strength with a weakness. So passionate becomes unwavering and argumentative, empathetic and caring is overly sensitive (caring too much), charismatic is loud and exhausting, etc. This affects my relationships and in turn my ability to have good self esteem, i.e. self worth. I am wired this way because someone I love and admire is wired this way, intelligently I understand that they are this way because how they were raised and so on.

Now I am going to diverge a bit and go a bit deeper into the why I am how I am. I want to do this so those that know me and read this can understand me a bit better and/or hopefully others can take my story and maybe apply it to those in their lives. Think of it this way, the saying goes no one really knows a relationship like those in it. Your relationship with yourself is the same; it can only truly be understood by you because you are the one living it. Sharing with others, being open and honest is the hopefully a way to allow others a way to care and understand (empathize).

My mother and I have a contentious relationship, there rarely, if ever goes a get together that doesn’t have some sort of a quarrel. My mother’s mother was one of the hardest women I have ever met, she picked favorites, was unfair, lacked empathy and kindness. One example of this would be my 7 or 8 year old self having an asthma attack (allergy induced) and my grandmother saying to me to just breathe. Not in a relaxed, calming, you’re going to be ‘OK’ tone, but in a you’re being a drama queen that needs to just stop tone. Knowing what she was like and acknowledging that helps me to understand my mom, and her capacity to be positive, to be fair, and pay compliments. She never got them from her mother, she was raised to believe she wasn’t as worthy as her brothers and not to go for everything she was capable of. Her own Self Esteem isn’t good and I’m not sure she has a strong Sense of Self either.

As a parent my mother was not 100% like her mom. She was more generous, she is caring and more forgiving however the negativity made it through. The only reason why I ever knew that my mom thought anything positive about me was that I found a list her therapist made her write when my parents got divorced. I could not tell you a time where I received a compliment from her or positive affirmation and if I could it wouldn’t be without an immediate negative to counter. It’s just how she is wired. This is important to know, my own nurture and experience has taught me to be suspicious of my strengths while always believing my faults and because of this I continue to struggle with self worth. When I fail at something or perceive failure I inherently go back to believing that I am worthless.

Interestingly I believe my strong Sense of Self was born because of my low Self Esteem, out of a kind of necessity. On the days where I feel worthless or that I am really struggling with what I am doing; I go back to ‘Who am I?’. I am able to invent the resilience to go forward by finding hope in my potential and my intentions.

Because even though others might think I am purposely rude by interrupting or that I don’t care about what they have to say. I know that I do care but have a hard time, a physical reaction, almost like nausea with impulse control especially when there is a topic I’m passionate about or want to discuss. The strong Sense of Self allows me to forgive myself for my weaknesses. It also gives me the ability to accept differences; to know that I am unique and not in the snowflake way but in the I am a culmination of the events lived, relationships experienced and nature of me; and so is everyone else. This is where kindness and empathy comes in.

I try my best to keep in mind that everyone else has their own Self Esteem and Sense of Self. That their experiences, relationships and nature, affects whether or not they have had to develop a Sense of Self or if they have Self Esteem. Maybe they are like me, acutely aware of faults and they need some kindness, some understanding maybe they have high Self Esteem but are lost when it comes to a Sense of Self; this also requires patience and kindness because they are genuinely unaware of their actions and their affect of others.

This was longer than anticipated, a bit scrambled and somehow I feel still not all the way out but for another day. I realize I haven’t looked as much at Self Esteem as I did Sense of Self but this is because I am still working on it. I hope the sharing (maybe overly so) was at least a bit helpful. I would encourage everyone to take some time, evaluate yourself and all those you are in contact (not just family and friends but co-workers, teachers, etc.). Go forward with an open heart and mind, aim to care to understand the individual, their Self and not just their actions.

I have included one link to an article I found super interesting in my rabbit hole of reading about Self-Concept (my terminology is Sense of Self). If you aren’t yet done with the topic.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/self-concept.html

Until next week… thanks for stopping be, for reading and please share your own thoughts below in the comments or on the contact page.

Inventing – 1. Create or design (something that has not existed before); be the originator of. 1.1 Make up (an idea, name, story, etc.), especially so as to deceive someone.

Resilience – 1. The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. 2. The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.